My apologies on not posting anything in a bit, but I’ve been busy circling my wagons. My main focus has been my daughter and son, work, and the house. I haven’t been a very good friend to a few folks in the last couple of weeks, and although I feel guilty over it, I know that I’m doing the right thing. I’m not planning any outings, no dates or events with friends.
My daughter came home from the hospital on Friday. It was a lovely weekend with just her and me. A lot of talking and sharing, crying and laughing. We spent most of the weekend working on the house and doing artwork together. We’re going to focus on our hobbies a bit. The garden, and artwork will keep us occupied when we have some spare time. Because I’ve had to take some major time off to take care of her, Work has gotten a bit behind. I’ve got to really keep my head down and focus on getting caught up.
So to my friends and family… I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit distant. I’m simply trying to keep my head above water – please have patience with me.
The house is really starting to come together. The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room. My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s. And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.
A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home. A place where they just want to come and hang and stay. That is precisely what I was going for. Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting. Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen. Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.
I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.
And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me. It’s lovely. I look forward to coming home everyday. Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss. I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off. But still – the vision is there.
I have a private balcony off my bedroom. It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room. I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it. I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.
I bought concert tickets for a concert in September. My daughter and I are both quite excited for it. It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert. My last one was The Fray. It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.
My birthday is coming up. 2 years ago, I tried planning a bash. It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop. 🙂 Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform. But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year. I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me. I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.
I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once. Stuff for the house. 🙂 Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!
Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends. We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂 I adore them, as much as I adore her. Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point. But it’s worth it. 🙂 Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.
Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company. Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it. And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST. The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle. But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.
I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life. I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing. But I feel good about it all. I feel strong, confident, and happy. Such a good thing.
Wow what a week! I swear, it’s been the longest week in history. An emotional roller coaster that up until this morning, I was pretty convinced would end badly for me. I tried to just keep plugging away, to keep trying, keep pushing; and can you believe it? It worked. Now suddenly, heading into the weekend, it feels a bit like the clouds have lifted. The way the light changes just after a storm. When things calm down and everything starts to recover from the turmoil that just swept past.
At work – I had to lay off my entire team. It was such an emotional ride. Lots of tears at the beginning of the week – from everyone, myself included.
Then was presented with a hiccup in the house buying process, and for a moment, I bawled my eyes out because I was pretty sure I was no longer going to get the house. BUT… some amazing attorneys jumped in and helped me get things squared away. And after a lot of running around this morning, I got confirmation from my lender that all is well and that they’re going to try and push for closing next week or the week after.
I’m elated, but I’m also just plain exhausted. This week has certainly been incredibly taxing. I get the joy of spending the weekend at my Dad’s. I’m looking forward to doing a bit of relaxing. Although, truthfully, I should be spending the time packing and getting everything squared away, I just don’t think I have the energy to do it.
That’s ok – I’ll focus on all of that next week, with fresh eyes and a fresh outlook. I can breathe easier, and maybe even get some good sleep, knowing that all that I’ve been working towards, this journey I started down so that I could provide an even better life for my kids… it’s working out the way I’d always hoped.
I try and remember that for every win, someone must fail. There is always balance in life. I have experienced many fails. It feels lovely to finally win.
I got my ring! I went and picked it up last night from the jewelers. It’s so fricken pretty!! 🙂 I feel so special with it on! It’s mine. My gift… to me. Now I feel like I need to do my nails or something – make my hands be pretty enough to wear it. There was a brief moment, yesterday on the way home, where I felt guilty that I’d splurged on myself in this way. But I convinced myself to remember that I so rarely do anything just for me. And I spoil EVERYONE at christmas. Aren’t I allowed to be just a little bit spoiled myself? I do believe, I’ve earned it.
It’s a strange day at work today. 80% of the office is out on vacation. Next week – that will up to 95%. On one hand, its a lovely contrast to the high stress, fast pace I’ve been moving for the last couple months. But on the other, it’s weird, and eerie and I feel like I should be doing a lot more than I actually am.
I’m considering attending a masquerade ball for new years eve. I’ve never done anything like that before. It’s kind of fun to consider getting all dressed up in formal gear, a mask, maybe even a stylish crazy wig… Who knows, maybe it is because I recently watched Phantom of the Opera, but I have visions of their masquerade in my head. Seems like a unique experience to try. 🙂 We’ll see if I get the courage to buy a ticket and plan the outfit. I think I found the dress I’d want to wear. It’s too fabulous for the likes of lil ol me, but I can’t help but think it would also oddly, be perfect. A striking difference to who I normally am.
This weekend will be a full one. I get to go witness my brother being baptized into the church his fiance attends. I joked that I should likely not attend, as I’m not religious and lightning just might strike me down as I enter the church. He laughed and told me I had no choice. I might not be religious, but I’m certainly proud of my brother. He’s come along way in just a couple of years.
The rest of the weekend will be filled with wrapping presents and preparing for the coming holidays. I’m looking forward to the eggnog, the music, even the paper cuts. 🙂
To you all, wishing you a very happy friday. Smile today, even if only for a moment. You are loved.
This weekend has been an interesting one. I could use a weekend after the way this one has gone. So many ups and downs. Honestly, lately I’ve felt caught up in a bit of a swirl. I’m not quite sure which way is up and which way is down. It’s uncomfortable. I started writing a blog post on Friday, but due to some computer issues, that post was lost. Interesting how that post was very much about me heading into a hurricane, where as this post will end up feeling as if I’m slowly coming out of it. Still disoriented, and unsure of which way to go, but feeling a bit more steady on my feet all the same.
I went out for coffee on Friday morning with a friend. He called me Mrs. Positive. “Jen you’d climb up a mountain, get hit by a few boulders on the way up and say “yea but look at this bad ass bruise – it looks like Abe Lincoln!”.”
Yea – ok. Fine. I try and go through life wearing rose tinted glasses. I realize that may seem a bit off. But I don’t see the point in dwelling in the negative. I suppose you wouldn’t know that if you read this blog – as I often write about the negatives. But that is actually because I need somewhere to let some of that out. I don’t like how negativity feels. It spews out of your mind.. and sticks around. It’s hard to break the habit of complaining or always pointing out the negative side of life. I know a few of my friends and loved ones who struggle with this. To outsiders, they’d be called “complainers”. They aren’t. They just don’t automatically try and find the positives. I do. Life has far too many negative stressors – why on earth would I want to dwell on them?! I’d rather celebrate my small wins – wherever they are.
Tonight, as I logged into Facebook, I was greeted by this:
6 years ago, I posted these. He hasn’t been on my mind all weekend. Other things have been taking up space lately. Fights with my mother, stressful deadlines at work, drama within the love life, it’s just been a lot to take. But thanks to Facebook – I am reminded of one more reason why I’m having a tough weekend. And yet – somehow, seeing his face, seeing mine in this photo and the tentative hope that was on my very tired looking face. Thanks Facebook. Oddly, I’m comforted by this today.
I said some horrible things to my mom today. In the moment, they were earned – even deserved. But now, I feel bad. The thing is, I love my mom. I always have and I always will. But… Sometimes, she says and does things that are really hurtful. Sometimes, when she acts that way, I feel worthless or stupid. As a kid, I can remember the occasions when we’d fight… I hate fighting with her. We both have very sharp tongues. I learned it from her. I have never liked that side of myself. Makes me wonder if she thinks about that side of herself in a similar light? I think somehow, that would make me feel better. She just doesn’t hear me. She gets so focused on pushing her way that she steam rolls anyone in front of her. Tunes them out and doesn’t even hear what they’re saying. Then she’ll have herself so worked up that she won’t hear you until she’s calmed all the way back down again – and that can take some time and patience. And usually – the person who’s on the other end of that angry woman to cave and compromise or give in.
Sometimes, I don’t want to give in. Sometimes, I want to be heard. She doesn’t have to agree with me – hell she can tell me to go fuck off for all I care, so long as she actually HEARS me. That’s all I wanted today. For her to hear what I was saying – because if she’d just shut up and listened to the words I’d said – I’d said that I would help her. That I didn’t care about anything but doing what I could to help her reduce the load and remove the stress. But she was on such a rant that she couldn’t hear that. Sigh. I lost my temper. I yelled. I’d asked my grandfather a question, and she yelled at me for daring to go over her head. I told her that she was not the matriarch of this family, that we were equals and that I was perfectly in my rights to ask him any question I like. I held my tongue here. I told her that just because she is my mother does not give her the right to be disrespectful or to treat me that way. That I may have taken it as a child, but that I didn’t have to take it as an adult. I told her that if she continued to act like this, she’d end up a lonely old woman who no one would want to be around. I told her to get counseling.
While I wouldn’t take back any of what I said – I stand my ground on all of it – I still feel guilt over it all. I hate that. I can remember as a kid, after these types of situations, I’d feel such tremendous guilt over the situation. I’d go make her a sandwich or scrambled eggs. I’d take out the garbage or do some other small chore to try and make up for it. I wish I could learn a better way to come to a good place with someone after a conflict like that.
Life is short. I know this better than most. I know that I’ll keep trying with my mother. I love her. She loves me. She and I have come along way over the years. I’ve cooled down a lot over the years. My Irish doesn’t show nearly as often as it used to. Life has thrown me curves, and I’ve learned to duck and swerve. I refuse to get caught in the trap of my own negativity.
Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work. It’ll be another long, stressful, yet glorious week. I look forward to all the crazy dramatic challenges that will be thrown my way. And my personal life… I’ll figure it out. I always do. Put on a good song, light a few candles, write in my blog, and suddenly, I know that I’ll find my way.