It is 6am…


I’m sitting on a couch at work, my shoes off and my feet up… a cup of coffee steaming next to me, headphones on playing a compilation of some of my favorite songs… I may be here physically, but mentally, I’m in Aruba.  Sitting on a beach, the waves crashing against the sand, a small breeze blowing over me.  Sigh.  Do I have to adult today?  Why can’t I just be a cat instead?  I’d like to lay about – snuggled in a blanket.  🙂

I’m on day 10 of the new job.  I’m not entirely sure I made the right choice coming here, but I’m trying to keep an open mind.  I’ve already had the unfortunate displeasure of discovering a few things about the business and how they’ve run things that I don’t agree with.  I guess we’ll have to see how open they are to allowing me to change things.  I had a meeting yesterday with some of the executives.  I was nervous going into it, mainly because I haven’t had the chance to get a solid read on them yet.  The folks who were a part of the meeting were awesome.  Gave me hope that I can make a difference here.  We’ll see how the rest of them are over time.

Tomorrow, I get to go with one of our customers and pretend to be a part of his business.  The goal is to understand what a day in the life of our customers is really like and see if there are areas we can improve or be of more use.  I’m excited about it.  I love doing these kinds of research projects.  I’ve got a list of about 100 questions that I hope i’ll get to ask – have to find ways to do it without sounding like I’m giving the 3rd degree.  🙂


This weekend, I get to hang out with my best girl friend.  🙂 I’m looking forward to it.  The hours I’ve been working have taken a huge toll on my social life and it’s nice to know that I’m going to get a little break and get to sit and catch up on all the latest news and events within our social circle.

Well folks – better actually go do some work now.  🙂  Hehe.  Hope you have a lovely day!! Much love to you.

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A Quick Unwind Before Bed

It is 8 o’clock and I’m going to fall asleep here very soon.  I woke up at 5am, left my house at 6am and still didn’t get to work until 8:10am; and it took 2 hours to get home after a full day. It’s weird, I don’t want to go to sleep yet because I feel like I just got home and there’s still some things I’d like to get done, but I can barely keep my eyelids open, so writing in here was my compromise to myself.


It’s Ben’s birthday tomorrow.  And I’m not sad or feeling anything heavy about it this year.  For a brief moment, I had a twinge of guilt writing that… but it’s ok to move past that heavy, sad stage of grief.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  I’d think it’s actually quite healthy.  It HAS been 7 years.  I think about him daily.  Just a brief thought here and there.  I still talk to him often… and when things in life suddenly go my way, I often say “Thank you Ben!” as if some how he had a hand in it.

Today was day 2 of the new job, and so far, I’m absolutely thrilled to be where I am.  The people seem passionate and enthusiastic about the company and our product and services.  I’m already knee deep in research, with pages and pages of hand-written notes and questions and things to look up or research.  My first couple weeks on a job can be pretty intense.  I try and dive in to understand as much as I can as quickly as I possibly can so that I can start to be put to better use.  It’s a lot of fun for me, but also quite draining.  By mid afternoon – my brain decides it’s done and becomes more like mush than anything workable.  Hehe.

This weekend I’m going to either attempt to make some homemade lotions, or I’m going to continue to practice at candle making.  My last big batch turned out AWESOME!  Now I really need to start playing with scents.  Figure out the balance of scent to wax that I prefer.  I’m enjoying using essential oils.  It’s really been a fun hobby to play around with, and my friends will benefit come christmas time, because I’ll certainly be including them with their gifts!  🙂   These are some shots I took from my last 5 batches. 🙂


Well – I need sleep, sorry that this is a bit short tonight.  Goodnight neverland!  Dream sweet!

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My last week of freedom


Next week, I go back to work.  I’m excited and nervous and overall, feeling thrilled!  And I’m busy doing all the things I need to do in order to prepare to go back.  Got a haircut, researching trains or public transit vs. parking, need to pick up some shoes… things like that.  I’m also spending time enjoying the newest member of our family.  Onyx.  He is a very tiny, very sweet little black kitten with grey/blue eyes that we rescued this weekend.  George, my 9 year old Siamese is still reserving his judgement, but I’d say he seems OK with it.

This weekend, the kids and I will go to the pumpkin patch and pick out a pumpkin or two. I’m excited to go and enjoy a little fall.  🙂


I’ve been in hibernation mode for a few weeks.  I’m not doing it on purpose, but I can’t seem to help myself.  Part of it is the change of seasons, but there is certainly more to it.  I will say tho, I am looking forward to our first holidays here in the new house.  I can’t wait to decorate and make a little bit of a fuss.  I look forward to making and bottling Kahlua for Christmas gifts (although this year, I’m also making candles for folks!) and doing Christmas with the kids the way we want to.  I’m also hopeful to get at least a little snow this year.  I’d bet the houses in my neighborhood would be so pretty.  It’s these dreams and ideas that are keeping my head up.  🙂  Actually, sometimes I feel a little guilty.  Life is pretty good these days.  New job, enjoying my new home, I had an amazing summer, my kids are enjoying school… I have it better than a lot of folks, and I’m truly thankful and appreciative of it all.  Knowing that, it’s sometimes hard to allow myself to be down in the dumps this time of year.  There’s so much life to enjoy!  But then I think back… 7 years ago… I was huge as a house and just ready for my pregnancy to be complete.  I didn’t know that in 10 days, I would meet a little man that would completely change my life and who I am.  There is not a single day that goes by that I do not think about him.  Sometimes it’s sad, sometimes it’s not.  Sometimes I happily reminisce, and other times it hurts deep down at the core of who I am.


I’m doing well tho… gosh that almost sounds contrite, but that is the truth.  I’ve spent the last year or so really looking at my life, my behaviors and choices, and my patterns.  I’ve looked at my relationships with others and have chosen paths to help ensure that only healthy relationships are what I surround myself with (to the best of my ability).  I’ve learned to be alone and to be content with that.  Honestly, it feels good and I’m proud of where I am at.  Although, I am a little frustrated with my village these days.  It’s gotten a lot smaller over the past year – some of my own choosing and some not.  I’d love to make some new friends – but at the same time… now that my core inner circle has been shaken up so much, I’m hesitant to open up and take in new people.  I’m unsure of who to trust – and I realize it takes time.  I suppose finding new friends can be a bit like dating at times. LOL.  And that’s just not my idea of fun!  So, I guess it means that my village will stay small.  🙂   It will be a different holiday season for me this year, that is certain.

Well – that’s my update for now.  Have a nice day Neverland!  Love ya!

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Fall is here


I know – not a very imaginative title.  I may or may not change it.  Tonight, I need you Neverland.  I love it here.  It’s a place that I feel safe to let anything out.  Vulnerabilities and all.  I like to posture and say that by sharing my vulnerabilities, it gives me strength.  It’s a bunch of BS tho.  I’m still not very strong.  Today especially.

Today, I feel lost.  Lost in a sea of my own making to some extent, as my life is my own, and the choices I’ve made over my life were mine.  Part of me thinks, well.. Jen, it IS fall.  You always get this way leading up to Ben’s birthday.  But I don’t think this is just a bit of grief.  Not having a job right now is frustrating.  I’m antsy and starting to worry over my financial responsibilities.  It’s a strange feeling – first time in 12 years I’ve been unemployed.  I won’t lie – I’m a little scared.


Fall is really here.  It’s getting colder, more brisk in the mornings.  The leaves are changing.  It’s one of my favorite times of the year.  And yet – it’s also a time of year that typically has me feeling anxious, and even a little down.  This is the time of year, that I want to hibernate.  Who knows, maybe I was a bear in another life? 🙂  This is the time of year that I’m often hit with a lot of memories from my past.  I dreamed of Ben the other night.  Grayson asked about him the other day – as we have his picture up on one of the bookshelves in the living room.  I don’t cry very much anymore, but there is still a deep ache.  The kind of ache in the chest that if you dwelled for too long, the tears would well up behind the eyes, the flood threatening to flow down the cheek.  Some wounds are too deep to really heal.

I’ve had some pretty major shakeups with friends and family in the last couple of weeks.  That combined with the kids starting school, healing from my injuries and the lack of work… I can’t lie to myself anymore, I’m on the edge of depression.  And I know I’ll pull out of it – I always do – but the past couple of weeks have been hard.  I’m really proud of me tho.  I’m doing it all.  I’m managing to figure all of this out, slowly but surely.  I have to remind myself that courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid… it means you’re afraid but still take a step forward.

I have to remind myself that it’s ok to take some time for myself right now.  To be quiet and hibernate a little in my home.  It’s ok to feel a little lost and scared and lonely.  I’m lucky really.  I know how good I have it and I know that I’m one tough cookie who’ll find a way to  continue to have it good for a long time yet to come.  I’ve never been a fan of limbo – and that’s all this is.  A strange state where the path that lies ahead of me is a bit hazy and unclear.  It’s ok.  Although – I won’t lie – it would be nice if someone would join me with a flashlight and a map.  🙂


Taking a leap

I’m taking the summer off…


I’m taking the summer off, and starting a business.

(longer pause)

The weight of that statement is heavy… and yet… it just feels right.

Maybe it’s stupid.  Maybe I’ll regret it.  Maybe it will be a total and absolute flop.  Or…. Maybe it will be amazing, and maybe I’ll be able to sustain the way we live and will feel end up feeling refreshed and recharged and return to work or just keep going… who knows?!

I have a job interview, well… two of them, next week.  I’m excited for these opportunities.  But I also know how slow the big companies typically are when it comes to actually bringing someone on board, so in the mean time, I’ll happily play with my new camera.


It was a risk to buy it, but I’m fairly convinced I’ll be able to earn back the money I spent to buy it.  And things are oddly falling into place.  I’ve been invited to be the only photographer at the northwest writers convention in a couple of weeks.  I’ll have a booth set up that I have to figure out what I’m going to put in there.  Sometimes, it’s all in who you know.  I feel a little silly getting this opportunity, seeing as I don’t have tons of experience.  But then another friend saw my work and asked if I’d do some photos for her business, and I’ve got a couple of people inquiring about boudoir work.  Even a dude who wants to do dudeoir!

Today I had what was my third official boudoir photography session – where I was the photographer.  It turned out to be an amazing shoot.  I got SO many good shots, in such a short amount of time.  My client was thrilled, and of course, so was I, as this is more work I can put in my portfolio – she happily gave me those rights. 🙂


I reached out to quite a few of my friends and people in my network… I want to capture life.  I don’t have much desire to shoot weddings, but I’d like to do just about everything else.  Births, engagements or couples shoots, events, kids & pet portraits…. and of course, boudoir.  Especially Boudoir.  Some day I’d love to have a trailer set up so that I could take a mobile studio and shoot at the race for cure.  Give people a sense of empowerment over their own self esteem.  Show them how beautiful they really are.  I want to document love.  Something real.  I want to show people what I see of the world in front of me.

I think that’s why I like photography as much as I do.  It, along with art, are the few ways I can show someone else the world through my eyes.  In this case, seeing the world through my lens.  The camera makes me feel brave and secure.

I’ve added links to my instagram and business facebook page to the sidebars of this blog.  I do hope you’ll at least peek at my work and give me some feedback or a kind word of encouragement.  🙂

Thanks neverland.  Much love to you tonight.


lipstick kiss