Releasing a swirl of thoughts from my head

I’ve been itching to get online and type for a few days now.  Sometimes, you just need to write and find some sense of release from the swirl inside your head.  So many topics to potentially write about.  So, per my usual, I may skip around a bit and talk about a little of each of those swirling topics.

Self Esteem.  It’s interesting to me that the world is focused on whether you have it, or you don’t.  Apparently it’s a mystical black and white kind of hero achievement that is unlocked somewhere along the journey of life.  But the truth of it is… it’s a bit more like an ocean of grey.  It ebbs and it flows.  I have good days and then I have days where I question myself and everyone around me.  Of course, this is all happening only inside my head.  But still.

Intuition.  One person’s intuition could lead them down the exact opposite path as someone else’s.  So then, what is it?  According to the dictionary, it’s an inherent knowledge of something without having read it or learned it purposefully.  So it’s a knowledge from deep within. But that doesn’t mean it’s always accurate.  I wonder if the notion of a red flag in someone points back to this?  Or any flag for that matter?  Something that triggers an intuition in a potential mate.  Yes – i’m weird that my brain landed here.  It’s ok… I promise.  See – this came up because I’ve been struggling with something that hasn’t been sitting right with me about someone.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, which is making it worse.  So I’m trying to figure out the why’s.

Weight loss.  I slog on in my journey.  I’m weary from this adventure… but I have finally pushed through my plateau.  I’m determined to continue to make progress.

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In 2013, I weighed over 400 pounds.  OMG. I’ve typed and deleted that a few times.  Do I really dare to share this?!  But yes.  It’s true. I still have easily another 50 to go for me to hit my target.  I feel good… I’m hopeful.  But in all truth… tonight… I’d kill for piece of pie.  We don’t do thanksgiving.  I love our family traditions that we do instead – however… and quite simply.

I. Miss. Pie.

And not apple pie – ew. No.  A custard pie, or a pumpkin pie… or even a pecan or berry pie.  Peach is always lovely too!  LOL.  Pie.  With a flaky, golden, buttery crust.  Sigh.  But yay for weight loss!!

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Dating.  I’ve dipped my toe in a couple of times in the past two years, and I’m not convinced it’s for me.  Add to the fact that I have a pretty full life… how do you add to that?  How do you make room for the potential of someone else when you have no idea who that someone else could possibly be?  I have friends encouraging me to date, and for the most part… it’s been a pleasant experience.  But I’ve also learned that I must be a bit of an oddball in the world.  Or at the very least, in the circles I’ve crossed.  I’m not looking for casual sex or friends with benefits.  That simply does not do it for me.  I want the close companionship just as much as I want all the fun sexy time! So because of that, I don’t immediately jump into the sack with someone.  Apparently it’s viewed as old fashioned.  I’ll hold off until it’s right -which could be date 8 and could be never… and men – who at first say they support that, in the long run are surprised to find out that you actually mean it.  Sex should be magical!  The power that each person has over the other… to make a breath catch, or to cause goose bumps.  To create an explosion of delight in someone else – that is a magical thing.  It makes me sad when I hear how some people have lost (or have never had) the ability to revel in it… but I can’t do that with a stranger.  Someone I don’t respect or care about.

That sounds too scary for me.  I’ll pass.

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The changes in me

It dawned on me today, how much I’ve changed. Emotionally, financially, and physically in the last few years. Thought I’d take a moment and document it out a little. Best way is thru pictures.

2012

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2013

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Now

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I feel like I’ve finally begun to blossom. I hated my life, myself, my looks… and now, I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m healthier, and sooo much happier!  It’s truly amazing to look back. Can’t wait to see what the future holds!!

Goodnight neverland. XXO.

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It’s summer time in Seattle…

It’s warm.  There are few clouds in the sky… and the few that are seem to take the shape of dragons and fish and bears with ice cream cones.  The kids and I were laying in the backyard cloud watching earlier.  I love doing that.  I got off early today.  I will likely get the opportunity to do that all this week and I’m loving it.  I went in to set up the new office studio.  I was finally given permission to hire a team at work, and I’ve chosen two people who have worked for me in the past that I enjoy tremendously.  Oh the trouble we are likely to cause. 

I’ve got to take my fridge in, set up the bar.  They’ve already given me their requests as far as the booze to keep in stock.  Funny…because really, I’m not much of a drinker.  I’m kind of a light weight at times.  BUT – that said – I do like a good tequila and I do like white Russians…so I’ll keep some of those ingredients on hand for the random 4 o’clock drink that I know we’re all likely to have on those tougher days.  The new office space was pretty dismal when I first walked into it this morning.  But I quickly got to work, turned on some tunes, started re-arranging office furniture and putting up pictures and posters and toys.  I got a few people nervous when I started climbing up on desks in order to reach the ceiling – I’m not known for my gracefulness – I’m a down right klutz. 

The studio isn’t finished yet, but it’s a lot better now with color and silliness on the walls.  My bitch be good stick is hanging right next to the sign that says to come to the darkside, we have cookies.  There is a yoda poster, a monty python silly walk poster, a despicable me minion poster.  Some art, some comic pages that I find particularly well done, and toys.  The toys make me laugh.  I’m not a collector of things.  Never really have been.  My house doesn’t have a lot of knick knacks.  But my office?  I think the people I work with get my sense of humor…and then bestow odd gifts to me because of it.  I have a weird coconut voodoo doll, some zombie apocalypse nerf gear, a fake Oscar award that a team gave me to me for being an awesome boss, there’s a wind up bunny that hops, a giant black pirate rubber duck.  Pieces from a homemade mini golf course my team and I built a few years back that I couldn’t part with.  An android doll – which I’ll admit, I don’t necessarily feel comfortable with having on display now that I’m back at the borg.  There’s a microphone statue – because a coworker knows I used to be a singer and wanted to do it professionally.  My nerf gun collection along with my box of ammo – although now I cant use most of them because as I’ve left teams over the years, people have written their names and goodbye messages on a nerf dart and that seems to be all that’s left in my box.  Will need to remedy that.  Geez the amount of nerf gun ammunition I have purchased over the years – I should really get stock in Nerf.  My tape dispenser is a little man sitting on a toilet…under his butt is my paperclips.  I want a zombie statue.  I have some interesting lamps because I hate florescent overhead lighting.  I’d love some cool funky speakers.  I also have a massive bean bag chair – but I have no idea where to put it, the new studio space isn’t big enough for it.  Maybe I’ll take over a small space near the kitchen for it – see if anyone complains.  🙂 My office has always been the place people say is the fun zone.  It used to be worse – I used to have massive amounts of legos and silly putty…but I haven’t set that up since before I went and worked at the telecom.  Might consider doing that again, we’ll see.

Came home, took a 20 minute nap and then got into an epic water fight with the kids and the bro and his girlfriend.  It started out innocent enough.  Cheap squirt guns I bought last weekend at the drug store.  It escalated to the bucket my son likes to use for sand castles.  And then the bro disappeared into the house with an evil grin and came out with my canning pot.  That pot easily holds several gallons of water.  The backyard quickly erupted into screams and hysterical laughter.  My son was so cute, running around with a bucket, taking aim, throwing it with all his might and missing – then laughing and saying “GOT YOU!”.  Ahh to be 3.  Good times.  Now the kids are eating dinner and the house has quieted down a bit. 

I’m tempted to do some painting tonight.  I’m working on a painting for T.  He knows I’m working on it, so it’s not exactly a surprise – although the content and subject of the painting is.  I’m nervous to give it to him.  I really hope he’ll like it.  Painting and art is very personal – both for the artist and the people who enjoy it.  I’ve never painted a painting for someone in particular before.  I’ve always just painted for me and if someone liked it – awesome.  I guess we’ll see.

I’m down another 9 lbs this week.  I’m surprised by it actually because I haven’t been doing my swimming routine like I should.  BUT seeing those pounds disappear is just another reason to stay motivated and keep going.  🙂 

Alright, the mini-me and I have a date tonight.  🙂  We’re going to eat cupcakes and watch another installment of Jericho.  🙂 She’s obsessed.  HAS to know what’s going to happen next.  hehe.  She’s excited because she’s going to come to work with me tomorrow.  I’ve never let her come with me before – I have no idea what she has in her head that it’s like.  I’m sure she has visions of nerf battles and lego building and quite frankly I hate to disappoint her.  Yes, mom has fun at the office, but mom also does do actual WORK.  🙂  Shock and awe, I know.  We’ll go out for lunch together and I’ll let her try and beat me at ping pong or foosball.  I’m sure she’ll love that.

Hope you all are well.  Goodnight Neverland!  XXO!

Somethings… maybe we just aren’t meant to understand

I have odd luck.  Always have.  I always manage to get the things I want, when I no longer need them.  Or when I stop wanting them.

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My dad called me last night (yes that’s him in the pic above).  Funny… how many times have I wished the man would pick up his phone and dial my number.  Last night, he did.  What was running through his head, I’ll never know.  The conversation consisted of me answering in surprise.  My dad was straight to the point – sort of.  Asked me how the divorce went.  Asked me how the kids are doing. Asked me if I had a good job.  Asked me how my love life was.  And then said he loved me, that I should come see him this weekend and hung up.  The entire call lasted under 4 minutes.  Great!  I haven’t talked to you in MONTHS and the first time you call me to catch up and it’s under 4 minutes?! What the hell?!  Was it something I said?  Was he upset that overall I’m doing very well?  Sorry dad, don’t need you to come to my rescue.  Hell – don’t need any man to come to my rescue – I do just fine on my own, thank you VERY much.  Was it guilt?  Did he have a moment of guilt where he thought – “Gee I haven’t talked to Jen in forever, I should call her!”?  I wish I understood what runs through his head.  I wish I could turn off the fact that regardless … all our history aside, he’s my dad.  I will always love him.  I will always remain loyal to him.  He’s a cool dude.  Always has been in many ways.  A ladies man.  All my friends growing up thought he was hot.  Drove me crazy.  But the older I get, the more I see a lot of him in me.  Some of that good, some of that bad.  I guess I need to come to terms with it being what it is.  I will likely always crave his presence in my life – even tho I know that in his case, his presence is toxic.

Ok -well enough of THAT topic.

What else has been on my mind lately?  Far too much.  Addiction and recovery, Life, Love, Work, Kids, Labels… all sorts of things.

I’m sitting at work realizing that I obviously need to go shopping again soon.  My normally fitting jeans are suddenly falling off! lol.  Such a fantastic problem to have, as it means my weight loss is still going strong, but I’m kind of wishing I’d have figured out they were going to do that before I left the house.  Might have to make a trip at lunch time.  🙂

Happy Wednesday everyone!