The move is done. I’m officially out of the old place. No more cleaning, no more trips between houses, no more busting my ass to ensure that the dreaded timeline I had looming over my head was met with satisfactory results. It’s really – quite a glorious day today.
I got sick this weekend. Really sick this weekend. On the floor, couldn’t move from pain, couldn’t stop throwing up, bawling like a baby, begging someone to just help me kind of sick this weekend. The bro took me to the ER and dropped me off. Which i was both grateful for and pissed for… I HATE hospitals. They freak me out. For good reason. I spent FAR too much time in them from Ben and Grayson. I walk into the building – which always smells like an odd mix of rubbing alcohol, latex and paste… why paste?? – and feel an immediate anxiety in my chest at being there. An immediate sense of distrust at what they’ll do or find or say. My instinct is to run. I even asked the nurse towards the end of my stay if they’d ever had someone disconnect their own IV and just run out. She told me that only crazy people did that – and it always ended up with them being tackled before they hit the exit and restrained. Note to self – we do NOT want THAT! I was massively dehydrated, weak, sore and really needed the help. And I was scared, pissed off and all alone. Let’s just say that I was acutely aware of both my surroundings, how shitty I felt, and the fact that I had no support system to keep my spirits up. Now, 3 days later, I’m finally feeling a bit like me again. A bit bruised and banged up from all the IV’s and blood draws…but finally on the mend. I’ll admit, I pushed it in the last couple of weeks. Too hard. I do that. I wrap it into my head that I can buckle down and make it through. So what if I don’t feel very good – suck it up girl and get on with it! Deal with whatever pressures, demands and stress life has tossed my way and handle it with grace, kindness, and intelligence. That is my way. That is who I am. It is this mentality that has gotten me through more often than not. BUT – on occasion – it is this mentality that is also sometimes my undoing. This is often when a friend or family member will insist on me slowing down – and they’ll insist by force when they need to.
The bro and my 2 best friends basically did that in their own separate ways this weekend. They’ve all now taken to reminding me throughout the day to drink water, or drink my Gatorade (I had to promise the doc and nurses that I’d drink it like it was going out of style this week), to eat, to nap, to not push it too hard at work. Hello?! This is me we’re talking about. Head strong, stubborn ass of an Aries woman who doesn’t quit, who never caves and damn it all – certainly doesn’t break. At least – not very often. LOL. I love them for their concern. Actually – I’ll admit here what I’d never admit to their faces (they’d never let me live it down)… I need it. I need the firm, gentle reminders. I needed to feel that I was important to someone other than my kids and those who rely on me for financial aid. And that’s precisely what I was shown in the last few days. I am cared about. I am loved. I may be strong as steel, but I’m still not superwoman.
Now that the move is done, I can focus on unpacking. You should see my garage. It is literally packed from floor to ceiling. Nothing is marked. This was by far, the most unorganized move of my life. But whatever! It’s done! I’m in my own place. MY OWN PLACE. Not a place I shared with the ex.. not a place with memories or bad juju. MINE. I’m thrilled by that. And in 2-3 years, I will once again pack everything and move again – only… then – I hope it will be into a place that I own. Not one I rent. 2-3 years. It’s not very long, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime away. I know it will fly by. Grayson will be 5-6 years old. My favorite age. Hmm… I wonder where I’ll be in my career. I wonder where I’ll be in my relationships. I know what I’m hoping for. To be in love, stable, happy, with a path or trajectory that I understand and agree with. To belong to someone, and them to belong to me. We’ll go with that for now. 🙂
Happy Tuesday everyone. Hope you all are well and safe and happy!