My brother is staying with me for a month. It’s fun to see him every day. We didn’t grow up together, and only met when he was 10. So we’re still getting to know one another. He’s a punk, but I love him. My kid brother. But one of the challenging things I’m learning about having him here, is that it exposes me to some of my family that I’d rather not be exposed to. Thru him, I get to see and experience what he goes through with my father. Usually – it doesn’t get to me, but last night, he shared an experience he had this weekend and I just about lost my shit. I’m still upset. But I think what upsets me the most, is that, at least for the next month, it will be a “norm” in the house. It bothers me.
My father is … well… abusive. Physically sometimes, emotionally others. And not all the time…. but still. A spade is a spade. It takes a lot to write that. It took me a while to get my brother to even admit it out loud. Now look – there’s something to be said for getting physical – sometimes a well timed shove can wake someone up – That is not the type of physical altercation that I am talking about here. There is no excuse that I can logically come up with to make it ok. I know that man loves his kids… in his own truly messed up way, but he is toxic. It’s why I’ve put up walls and boundaries – to keep me and the kids safe and worry-free.
So here I sit. Knowing that over the next month or so, I’ll likely be (at the very least) hearing more stories, learning more things, and overall, likely cementing why I made the choices I’ve made to step away from toxic people in my life. I try and remember that there are two sides to every story… and somewhere in between lies the truth. But so far, the stories I hear align with everything I know from my past… and I’m not convinced that leopards change their spots. When someone shows you who you are, believe them.
It’s sadly, nice to know that I’m not the only one of us kids who struggled with Dad. But at the same time, I wish with all my heart that I could take that away from him – let him be spared. I’m protective. I don’t want to see my family hurt. I’d do just about anything to keep them all safe and loved. Ugh. It’s rough being a sister sometimes. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Man oh man, I don’t know what set me off today – but my anxiety got sky high this afternoon. It’s taken me a good hour just to get it to a level of better control. No fun. I’m trying to think about what’s churning around in the ol’ head that would make me feel this way. And what’s frustrating, there isn’t a single thing that tipped me in this direction. I think maybe it was just a combination of a few things that did me in. But … that’s not like me.
I hate to think of anxiety like a weakness – but sometimes, it is. I’m simply saying what is… at least for me. I won’t judge others – but I will judge the heck out of me. And I’m being a little judgemental on myself right now in saying that this “new” weakness of mine is just plain ol’ annoying! And I suppose what is even more annoying, is that I don’t know if my anxiety is new, or if I’ve simply learned to recognize it for what it is. It’s been 3-4 years now, as recognizing it was something I learned through therapy. And I’ve learned various methods to work through it and manage. I’d like to say to control it – but I don’t think anyone ever REALLY has control over it. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong. What I hate is that for the most part – and I mean 85-90% of the time – I have a great sense of awareness about my emotional wellbeing, and can use the tools that therapy and schooling and experience has taught me to ensure that I maintain that inner calm… but it’s that 10-15% of the time that I struggle. Today, being one of them. So – perhaps by writing, I’ll get out whatever is pushing me to that point.
Communication in relationships. All relationships – not just romantic ones. For the most part, I think I’m a good communicator. I am very good at empathizing and understanding someone else’s perspective without judgement or getting offended. I am also very good at reading people… so often, when someone shows they are a certain emotion, I pick up on it, even when they don’t think they’ve shown anything. I respect people to know that what they speak is their perspective. But as good as a communicator that I am, I also recognize that others are not. I think somehow, in my quest to become better at communication – I may have lost sight of the very real fact that not everyone is striving for the same thing as I am. Not everyone will be comfortable sharing their perspectives and truths with me. At least not right away – and sometimes not ever. Not everyone is striving to be an emotionally healthy communicator. And because of that – not everyone is ready for it when I present it to them. I think where I get stuck on that tho – is then what? When someone I’m communicating with isn’t on the same page or emotional level as I am, it creates the opportunity for a few outcomes. 1. The person hears me, I hear them, and one or both of us grow because of it. 2. The person doesn’t hear me, or I don’t hear them, and then they shut down and healthy communication cannot continue until things get back on track. This is often when unkind words can get spoken or someone can get unintentionally hurt. And personally – I’m not a fan of any of that, for anyone. So what’s interesting to me, is now, knowing this – helps me see full circle, why I became a horrible communicator to begin with. It was because I wanted to avoid that second option. Interesting double edged sword there!
Upcoming Vacations! So my vacation time is getting closer and closer! 16 work days to be exact. WOW! Putting it that way – holy cow! I’m excited. Some real time off. I’m also a little bit nervous. For a few reasons.
It’ll be my new car’s first big trip. Kind of exciting, I’m excited to see how it does! This will be my first longer stay with M. And I am actually not worried about that bit of it – but meeting his friends and family will be interesting and has me nervous – although I don’t know why. I’m good at meeting others, and I have yet to meet someone’s parents and have them not like me. BUT… i’m still nervous all the same. I think it’s because I’ve never quite measured up to my own family’s expectations – so it always makes me hesitate to put myself out there to try and meet the expectations of someone else’s family! Ha. Sad I know.
Grilled Cheese. I can’t believe I’m adding this in here – but it just came up. M knows how to make a proper grilled cheese. Can I just say how happy that makes me?! He butters both sides and gets a golden brown – just the way it SHOULD be, and has the perfect bread to cheese ratio. I’ve never understood those people who only butter one side. They say it’s less greasy – um.. hello?! It’s GRILLED CHEESE!!! What on earth do you expect?! If you want less grease – go eat a salad for goodness sake! Mmm. I will say, eating a grilled cheese sammich in bed is the perfect antidote to a stressful moment. 🙂 Even if it isn’t diet-friendly. It’s ok tho – I did quite a bit of exercise today – so I highly doubt this indulgent is going to set me back.
Trust. Sigh. Let’s just say that there are plenty in my life who’ve pushed me to my limits when it comes to trust. Some are still active participants in my life – others, not so much. Even I have to draw the line somewhere. I’m terrible – I often give way more chances and opportunities than are deserved. Sometimes, my friends give me shit for this – and sometimes, it’s why they love me. I spoke to a friend today who has recently broken my trust. I don’t know if I want to remain friends in the future or not. I really don’t. But at the same time, I care about this person and want happiness for them in their future. So I suppose from an outsider’s perspective, this is me giving them another chance – but it’s not. In my head – as the trust erodes away – even in small baby chunks, it opens up room for doubt. And doubt, my friends, is the silent ninja killer. It really is. The moment you introduce doubt into a relationship – it’s doomed. I suppose I could say that perhaps it’s possible to earn back the trust – because it is. But I’d also wager that it would take twice as long to remove the doubt.
Well – I think that’s it for now… writing in here, plus the grilled cheese… I’m a lot better than when I started. Going to go hop in the shower and get back to being me again!
I was just on the phone with my brother. 🙂 The topic of jealousy came up. Funny, it’s the second time in a couple of days that I’ve had the chance to witness someone struggling with it.
My daughter was struggling to contain her jealousy monster in regards to her boyfriend. Some girl at her school was hugging on her boyfriend and it bothered her. I sat and talked about it with her for a while. Told her to really think about things. Had her boyfriend ever given her a reason to not trust him? No. Then perhaps she will be better served by trusting him, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. It was interesting to watch her go through the various stages as she processed what I’d said.
Jealousy is a strange emotion. One that can be dangerous to the health of a relationship if not handled appropriately. If you break it down – it’s a signal from your brain. A warning signal. Saying that a valued relationship is possibly in danger and steps need to be taken to make sure things stay on track. What it DOESN’T need to do is make people crazy monsters. That’s just counterproductive and ruins any forward progress you may make. It requires trust tho. This is why I feel the way I do about liars in general. I struggle with them because if you can lie to me, then I cannot fully trust you.
I don’t know, I’ve never been someone who has struggled much with jealousy. In fact, I can say that I’ve only felt it a few times in my life – and it wasn’t over people or relationships – but over the success someone had achieved. I wanted that for me. 🙂 So not quite the same thing I suppose.
The way I see it – if you’re feeling jealous…then there’s something off about YOU.. not the other person. It means you’re likely struggling with an insecurity, fear of abandonment or something else that is pushing you too feel and act out in that way. And if you’re upset that someone is looking at another person, or even lightly flirting with another person… then that’s an issue with you. You’re in a relationship – you’re not dead. It would seem unnatural and confining to expect a partner to walk through the world uncaring or unaware of others in that way. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to admire a beautiful figure? I certainly do! To expect a partner to do otherwise would mean missing one of the joys of life.
If you have trust… then you should likely know that your significant other would never disrespect the relationship, you or themself in that way. So why get your panties twisted in a knot about it?
Look – I deal with anxiety on a regular basis – but the way I see it – why on earth would I purposefully allow an emotion to control me and make me MORE anxious if I don’t have to? Jealousy just doesn’t have a place in my world. Never has.
I typically write my blog post before I write a title for it. I often wonder if other bloggers do this too, but perhaps the way I write is unusual. For me, it’s journal-style. Where I can easily spill my thoughts, as fragmented as they sometimes are, onto a page and then go back and make sense of them. Group them, and fix any errors, and then come up with a title. I’m sure I have quite a few drafts of posts that I never finished… untitled… just sitting there waiting to be completed – and yet – I never come back to them. Each blog post is fresh. Why can I not just delete them? I guess there are just some thoughts I don’t want to finish.
I’m having a weird evening. I finished tidying up the living room and locking up the house, was heading to take a shower. Then I figured I’d do a little writing. Went to grab my laptop, got distracted by a messy kitchen, tidied it a little bit and here I am… finally writing, with no shower. Time has completely escaped me this evening because when I look at the clock – it’s getting late. Can I just say – sometimes, as a single mom, it’s hard to keep up. I don’t feel good – I think I’ve got a kidney stone. I’ve had them before. You range from uncomfortable to downright misery for a few days and then everything returns to normal. Well – at least, in my case. But because I’m uncomfortable, it’s making me a little slower, with a lot less energy. I’m looking around my messy house – God, I need a maid. And a vacation.
It’s R’s last week with us here, and we spent some time chatting this evening. I will miss our chats. We’ve learned how to communicate with each other – which means we can communicate about just about anything without upsetting or offending the other person. We’ve had some very interesting conversations about things like racism, religion, the after life, as well as things like the perfect burger or what we’d do if a zombie walked randomly down the street. She made me promise I’d call her. DUH woman! 🙂 But I think we’re both kind of feeling a weird sadness over the incoming goodbye.
Well – it’s now an hour later than when I started this… and I still need to shower and prep for my early morning. But I couldn’t help myself… I just had to say that I’m so grateful for my life – my crazy world and everyone I surround myself with. My village of friends and family. The people I love. It was thoughts, many inspired by them – that I write in this blog. Much love to you neverland. Goodnight.
It’s my first day back at work after having a lovely holiday vacation. It was challenging to get up early this morning – serves me right for not at least trying to stick to my normal schedule. But ultimately, it feels good to be back to work, and so far, today I’ve been very productive. It’s nice to know I only have a few more hours left of my day.
Did you all have a nice holiday? Honestly – I think I can say that this has been the best holiday I’ve had in a long time. It was spent relaxing and doing the things that I wanted to do. I visited my grandparents and hung out with friends. I stayed up late watching comedy and binge watched a few new shows. Christmas morning, we had our annual nerf and silly string battle. It was pretty epic this year, as I managed to secure an entire case of silly string. What a giant mess THAT made – but was soo worth it! 🙂
I’ve been dating someone. I know – shock!! We’ve been seeing each other since October and over the holidays – we officially became a couple. I’m so happy and content right now. I’m not typically the type of girl to sit and gush about someone – especially in a public forum – but I honestly cannot help myself. Meeting him, falling for him, loving him… it was all unexpected. I was perfectly happy and content being single and staying that way. Who knew?!
This man makes me light up. I’m confident and comfortable when I’m with him. Yea – I’ve had a few moments of anxiety pop up – but what’s interesting to me is that even when they do – I can usually spot them for what they are. Old habits that are hard to kill off. Old insecurities that have no relevance with him. So it’s been fairly easy to squash those icky worries when they pop up. He’s met all my close friends. And shockingly – even my brother likes him!! That has NEVER happened before, in ANY of my relationships. So I’ll call that a huge win. At some point, I’ll introduce him to the rest of my family – although I’m in no rush there.
It was my children who ended up showing me just how different this one is. In the past – they were kind of indifferent to anyone I dated. In some cases, that was simply because they didn’t get to know whomever I was seeing (hey – a mom has to protect her babies!). With my ex… they got to know him. And although they liked him well enough – they never built much of a relationship with him. With this man… it’s been different. They got to meet him fairly early on, and he’s done an amazing job of making them feel included and special. My son bragged about how he had a youtube watching snuggle and napping buddy to my step dad over the holidays. Melted my heart to hear how much of an impact was already being had on my son – and scared the crap out of me all at the same time. It’s one thing to risk my own heart – it’s another ball of wax to watch my kids open their hearts to someone, knowing they could get hurt too. But I have high hopes. I’m fairly certain this man understands that they are my world and that I would do anything to keep them safe and happy.
I’m enjoying the happy coasting stage… where life is just simple bliss. Where there is comfort in knowing that I’m in love with someone who’s perfectly happy falling in love with me right back. And even if this is all I get… and things don’t turn into something more… I’m grateful for all these feelings and all this joy. I needed it. More than I knew. It’s shown me what I was missing, it’s shown me how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve really changed from the girl I was before. I’ve had opportunities in my life – a few times in fact – where love has stared me in the face. In some cases, I embraced it head on – and in others, I ran with my tail between my legs. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve (unintentionally) hurt others. It is the nature of life in all it’s glory. Right now – my only plan is to keep going. To enjoy and embrace everything I can when it comes.