Hope is a beautiful thing…

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Yup.  I saw this in my pinterest feed today and it really struck a nerve.  In a good way.  At some point, you have to get on with living.  Whether a person is recovering and grieving the loss of a friend, a relative, a broken relationship, a failed test, or even a disappointment at work.  There comes a point where you have to let go of the dreams and expectations of what was…and embrace what IS that is right in front of you.

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks, between dealing with my daughter and her ever changing needs, my son – who turns 5 tomorrow! I can’t believe it!!, work and my ever challenging but still amazing boss, or a whole host of other things… to say it has been busy is simply an understatement.  But what I’m finding to be quite interesting, is that I’m not feeling beat down by it.  Sure, I’ve had a few days here and there where I’ve questioned myself or felt a bit unsure, but I still plowed forward.  And today, was a good day.  🙂

At work, I had the opportunity to sit down and do some design and innovating.  It’s funny, it’s what people hire me to do for them, and yet I rarely actually get to sit and DO it.  It seems most of my days are filled with meetings and coaching and overseeing.  Rarely do I get the luxury to sit and just dream and let my imagination flow.  So because I got to do that today, I’m riding a bit of an inspiration high this evening.  I came up with something very interesting today.  Something incredibly unique, and it might not be THAT hard to pull off from an engineering perspective.  I’m very excited about it and can’t wait to take another couple of days to really bring the idea to life with more comps and drawings.  Then next week, I’ll pitch it… the company I work for would have to be bonkers not to do it.  🙂  It’s very exciting.  🙂

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One of my closest female friends challenged me almost a year ago to do an experiment on myself, in regards to my self esteem.  She told me to take 1 selfie per day.  Doesn’t matter if I hate it, I have to keep at least one from each day.  Now, truthfully, I didn’t remember EVERY single day… but I have put in an effort and have managed roughly one a week.    I HATE pictures of myself.  In fact, there are very few photos of me that I like.  I prefer to be on the other end of the camera. 🙂  So when J challenged me to do this, it wasn’t something I was enthusiastic about doing.  Tonight I flipped through them.  She was right.  As a collection… viewing them changed something for me.  I laughed at the ones that looked HORRIBLE.. I smiled at others that reflected how happy I was or how sleepy I was.  And as I finished up… the overall opinion I had on them, and me, and how I look….

I’m pretty!  And cute.  🙂  My god, it only took me 34 years to really understand and be able to say that and mean it.  I love my dimples, and freckles, my frizzy curls, my eyes that oddly change color when I’m wearing different things or near certain colors.  I love my nerdy glasses and the fact that most days I’m in a hoodie, yoga pants and flip flops.  I even love my squishy tummy.  It is me.  This body has been through so much, and it’s so damn strong!  I have curves, and a waist – something that I didn’t have years ago.  Here’s a few from the last few weeks.

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I’m enjoying life right now.  I’m enjoying finding myself, learning to be a home owner, spending quality time with my children and my family.  Is it strange that I can say that life is good right now?  Even with all the turmoil we’ve gone through in the last few weeks?  And that’s not me burying my head in the sand.

For the first time… maybe in my entire life, I truly have a sense of comfort.  I’m content.  And I have so much hope bursting in me for the future.  For my kids… but more than that.  For me.  Hope.  It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s not something I’ve felt in a very long time when it comes to me personally.  I think, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I’d been a bit burnt out.  Perhaps taking some time off was a good thing.  🙂

Well neverland, it’s time for me to get some sleep.  But if you’re still awake.. here’s a goodnight kiss to you.

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You see, I died that day.

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On my drive to pick up my son after work, I was thinking about my post from earlier.  I was thinking about grief.  How sometimes, I just forget all about it.  I get wrapped up in life, T, work, the kids, the house… and then some days, it’s all I can think about.

Acute Grief.

Only a few weeks after Ben had passed away, a doctor diagnosed me as having Acute Grief.  I remember wanting to punch him in the face.  What do you expect?!  He’d asked me what I’d been going through from a stress level and I broke down right there in the office.  You see… I died that day.  The woman I was… she’s gone.  Left in her place was a shell; a look alike.  Acute grief.  I’ve looked it up.  It’s a real thing, and I won’t lie, I’ve related to most of the symptoms (physically and emotionally).  He wasn’t wrong.

Someone asked me why I chose the tagline for this blog that I did.

“Ramblings of a girl masquerading as a woman…”

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Because that’s what I am.  A girl in a shell of a woman, who is learning how to live again.  This year will mark six years since that day.  The new me… is essentially a little girl…I’ve had to re-learn how to breathe, how to trust, how to love.  Every day I grow just a little bit more.  Every day, I add to my goals and dreams for this new life.  Some days, I’ll work toward those dreams with gusto and some days, I’m timid and maybe even a little afraid.

Interesting how I’m just as vulnerable now as I was as a child.  Vulnerability.  We think when we’re children that we’ll get away from it.  But in reality, it is only in adulthood that we learn to accept our vulnerabilities for what they are.  And in doing that, they become strengths.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk again soon.

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