Tag: memories

Memories

JenLeave a comment

I was watching a movie tonight.  And a scene inspired my brain to run a million miles a minute.  I had to go look up the line from the script so that I could share it with you all.

I tell you, I just….
I just wish I could have a piece of her that I could keep safe, you know?

Just something.

Something more than a bunch of memories.

Memories.  It’s interesting to me how broken we get when something that we thought was our entire world… gets reduced to memories.  A lost love, a death, or even a rejection of some sort… when we feel that something has been stolen from us, even when that something was only a dream… it evokes a strange pain.  A loss that we have to grieve and accept in order to move forward.  And then things change and shift and all that is left are the memories of it.  It’s almost like we have to grieve the dream of what was.

memories

Almost makes one reconsider what the worth of a memory REALLY is?

If memories are all we have to take with us, if they are all we get to cling to on those lonely nights when it’s just us alone with our thoughts… then why do we put so little value on them?  Why do we get so caught up in all the strange bullshit that we do, when we should really be trying to savor every single delicious moment that we have – because in the end, it will only be a memory.

This evening I was reminded… oddly by a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time… that sometimes, you just have to let life flow.  There are things that happen that are out of your control- and that if I just hold on to the memories from my past, and relax and keep creating new memories… that somehow, it’ll all work out in the end.

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you this evening.

XXO!

lipstick kiss

It is mother’s day…

JenLeave a comment

Mom_throwawayAs of today, I’ve been a mother for 13 years.  I’ve been a mother to my daughter, I’ve been a step mother to my ex’s son, and I’ve been a mother to my two sons.  Funny, I’ve never considered mother’s day to be a day for me.  It’s always been a day to celebrate my own mother and grandmother, or the children’s grandparents.  Making a fuss over me, has never really been done and it’s just not something I even consider, let alone expect on this day.

And yet…

I am a mother.  A good one.  My children are people who I am incredibly proud of and enjoy not only looking after but befriending as they get older.  I can already see the types of people these children are going to be as they get older.

Being a mother is something I always knew I wanted to be.  I always wanted to have a larger family.  Heck, I wanted to be the stay at home who’d do all the crafts and baking and pillow forts and weird kooky science experiments.  Funny, when I look back – I had moments in my time as a mother on this planet where I did just that… and then again – I look at my time as a mom and realize just how different it all really turned out.

To Note: I’m not complaining in any way shape or form.. I am grateful for where I am in life.  I just think it’s interesting how much a person’s plans and dreams for the future change over the course of time.  Having a large family is just not in the cards anymore.  And I’ve come to terms with that as best as I could.  Besides… it kind of takes more than just me to have that kind of dream.  And I’d never dream of forcing my dream onto another.  I make the very most out of what I’ve got in front of me.  I’ve got 2 amazing children in my life full time, and 1 amazing (ex) step son who I see as often as I can.  And another waiting for me “on the other side”.  That can be enough.

Becoming a parent has truly been one of the most fulfilling, rewarding, amazing experiences I could have ever asked for.  Sure, there are moments when I’d like to run away with my hands covering my ears, screaming “La La La.. I can’t HEAR you!”  Especially when the 3 year old is going on and on with the “Mom, I want this, or Mom I want that.”  But then I look at my daughter.  She’s becoming a woman.  Not just a woman, but someone that I’d actually want to hang out with as a friend.  She’s someone who I can already sense is going to shift and shape the world under her own to feet.  She’s someone who questions the way the world works and why in way that shows me just how much she’s going to impact it.  I’m already filled with incredible pride over who she is and can’t imagine my life without her in it.

Today may be mother’s day… but really – it’s a day that I remember just how much I love my children.  What and who I’ve made sacrifices for.  Who I continue to find and build strength for.

The family that I love and adore.

lipstick kiss

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

I should…

JenLeave a comment

I should be sleeping. I know this. I know the sound of my alarm will wake me at 6 am and that I’ll have precisely 1 hour to get the kids up and fed, myself showered and dressed and out the door.  You see, I cherish the sleep I do get.  But sleep isn’t consistent for me. I toss and turn. I have nightmares. I wake up with random thoughts or ideas. Would probably drive someone else nuts. I think it’s why I value the occasional nap.

I stopped by an old house tonight.  I would only loosely qualify it as a house back then.  Probably the only single wide in Kirkland (a ritzy part of town).  It was cheap and bigger than an apartment,  so we took it.  We were dirt poor. Everything we made went to bills and the kids.  It’s where I started my company. I needed to do something.   We couldn’t afford daycare for me to go to work so I was a stay at home and the ex worked. I was bored out of my mind and helped a friend make flyers. Learned a little of a program.  The friend commented that what I’d made was worth money and off I ran on an idea.  I thought maybe I could pull in some money and help out.  Feel valuable.  I became an info sponge.  Researched everything from design and art, to marketing and business credit and set up a corporation.   I took classes, attended networking events,  and spent hours and hours practicing.  Friends said it was obsession.  It wasn’t.  It was a drive to make something of me.  There were months when we barely scraped by, and there were months where I had work coming out of my ears. I did that for 4 years…Each year got slowly better and better.  We grew. I loved it and found i was pretty good at it.  Suddenly, I was making more than the ex.

Eventually,  I decided to go corporate. Everyone kept asking me when I was going to get a real job. It got under my skin. My company was competing for bids against big firms. We were invited to bid on a national airline account, and did work for some bigger brands and we’ll known businesses, and yet it wasn’t a real job. I had to prove the naysayers wrong. I applied, but I think a part of me didn’t expect to be taken seriously. I was a hack.  No degree.  Just my portfolio of work, and the experiences from JW. They hired me. I remember feeling shocked. And worried that they’d change their mind or realize that I was just a hack.  That was my beginning.  I’ve had a lot of beginnings actually in my career. From there I learned of UX and that brought me to innovation and strategy and where I am today.

There were many times I questioned whether we’d make it. Many times my self doubt would make me worry or question, or worse, fear would make pause or falter.  But I have this belief in not giving up or giving in. In dreaming, and playing…finding the absolute good in the world and encouraging it to grow.