Tag: marriage

Life… and death, babies, marriage and divorce

Jen2 Comments

life

I struggled to come up with an appropriate title for this post.  I know what I’m going to start rambling about, and quite frankly, it’s not an upbeat topic.  But I don’t want you to think that I’m writing this from a negative or a particularly sad point of view.  I am not.  And maybe that, in and of itself makes this a strange post.  I write this post with a calm understanding that I wouldn’t have expected from myself.

A family member who I love and look up to has a health problem.  They are old.  They’ve lived a rich, full, amazing life.  This family member has had health issues on and off for a few years, it is what happens when you get old.  In the last couple of years, we’ve had a few little scares here and there.  And whether or not a particular scare comes to fruition and we then have to experience another loss has yet to be seen, but the more scares that we face, the more I am reminded that there are just some things you cannot escape from.  As our parents and grandparents age, this is something we all have to deal with.  I think what makes it worse is that one will often seem to spur another.  It’s a strange cycle really.

Another friend is currently laid up in the hospital on serious bed rest.  She’s having twins and one of the twins isn’t doing very well.  I was asked for some advice on how to navigate the NICU and a variety of other things that are scary to discuss.  No one wants to think of such negative things when they are pregnant.  I hate that I’m the person people can come to for advice on that kind of thing.  I’m happy to give it, and I shower them with as much positivity and love and understanding as I possibly can when that does come up, but I still hate that.  I worry for them.  I worry for their little ones.  I don’t wish those kinds of life tests on anyone.

This weekend, I attended a wedding of a friend.  Well, my friend is really her mom, but the daughter is my friend too seeing as I watched her grow through those awful teenage years.  It was nice to see them.  Nice to see what the daughter is growing to be.  I wish them the most happiness I can.  It was a lovely ceremony outside in a park overlooking the waters of Puget sound.  Turned into a truly beautiful day really.  They really lucked out in the weather department.  I didn’t expect for it to hit me the way it did.  I don’t get sappy at weddings, I’ve just never been that type.  But this one hit me.  I watched as they read their vows.  Then brought their children in and included them into the ceremony as well.  It was heart-melting to watch them laugh and cry during the ceremony.  I’ve never been the type of girl to dream about a wedding.  I guess I’m too much of a tomboy for that kind of thing.  But I’ll admit… there was a brief moment, where I pictured myself in a ceremony just like it.  Wow, that’s scary to even write.  But it’s the truth.  This is my honest-only safe zone, I’m going to uphold that.  There I sat… watching the ceremony with a couple of tears streaming over my face and it’s taken me until today to figure out what was bothering me.  You see, I’ve done that before.  I’ve stood up, in front of family and friends and have made very similar promises.

failure

And at first I thought – ok I’m upset because I failed.  But I didn’t fail.  If I break down my actions, if I look at how I acted, how I worked, how I communicated….

I.  DID.  NOT.  FAIL.

What an empowering thing to write.  My first marriage – I didn’t rush into it.  I was with the man for 6 years before we tied the knot.  I gave it my all, and then realized I had to protect my daughter more.  My second… I rushed into, but I gave it everything I had.  Truly I did.  And we lasted a long time.  11 years together.  He chose his addictions over everything else, including my children’s safety.  Sorry buddy.  Game over. Funny, he wants to introduce me to his new girlfriend.  I told him that would be fine, I’d like to meet the woman who’s hanging out with my kids.  He shared that I was the world’s best damn wife.  I found that so weird and awkward to hear.  But … it affirms to me that I did not fail.

You see – marriage to me is a promise.  Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I truly do believe that marriage is supposed to be a forever thing.  I look at my grandparents, or my mom and step dad.  Those are two clear examples to me of successful, loving, relationships between two people who even after many, many years together, are still crazy in love.  They communicate and respect each other.  They encourage each other to reach higher.  But what’s really important though is that they each are their own person.  Their own passions and drive, and yes, they’re integrated together, intertwined so to speak, but could function independently if need be.  I think that is so important too.

I’ve managed to do quite well for myself.  I work very hard.  My career is in a great place, I have great kids, I take care of my responsibilities and manage to have fun and embrace my hobbies.  I shower the people I love and care about with love and affection as much as they’ll let me.  🙂  I’m in a good place in my life spiritually.

And what hit me, was the fact that I still want it.  Marriage. To belong to someone completely, and for them to belong to me. To have a loving, respectful, communication-filled marriage based on equal footing. Such an odd realization.  Will it happen? Who knows.  Maybe 5 years from now, I’ll look back on this post and laugh. Maybe I’ll be married, maybe I’ll be happily single.

I just have to remember.  It will come.  Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.  That is the course of life. It ebbs and flows, much like the tides.

Love and good health to you all.  Goodnight.

XXO.

tides

What ever you do… do NOT push the button.

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Image

We all have them.  Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both.  Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button.  It takes a long time for me to lose my temper.  I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button.  Then I just erupt inside.  Tonight was one of those for me.  It’d been a long day.  Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.

I spent FAR too much time crying today.  Mostly because my ex pushed buttons.  I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil.  To not fight.  To not engage when he’s in an angry mood.  I’m successful most of the time at it.  But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt.  Deep hurt.  Typically around Ben.  When will that stop being a button?  I suppose when I let it stop?  I don’t know.

We spoke of Ben tonight.  In some considerable length actually.  Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying.  Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it.  To get some emotions out.  I was pretty angry tonight at one point.  So angry I was shaking.  I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point.  I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue.  It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted.  I could give a tongue lashing like no other.  Still can if I allow it.  I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut.  BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it.  You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run).  Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble.  You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean.  You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back.  It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point.  And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become.  It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone.  Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast.  🙂

I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level.  It feels healthier.  It feels calmer.  I hate getting yelled at.  I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck.  And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows?  I’ll consider the source.  I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life.  And it’s getting better every single day.  Overall – I’m very happy.  Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that?  That is the very nature of life.  Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.

“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called.  I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later.  It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok.  I wasn’t.  I was a wreck. He came over.  I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho.  But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again.  Friday and now Monday.  GEEZ.  I felt like I was becoming a nuisance.  He cheered me up.  He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him.  Nope… never.  FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them.  THEN I’ll avoid.  LOL.  Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually.  Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at.  Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂

You all cheer me up too.  I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing.  Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal.  But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.

Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu.  Goodnight.  Sleep well.

XXO!

My Granddad

Jen2 Comments

Granddad

I went and visited with my grandparents today.  I don’t do that nearly often enough.  Especially lately.  It was wonderful to see them.  The accounts I had from my mom on how they are had me increasingly worried, but today, they were full of smiles and jokes and laughter.  Sharing old stories and learning new ones.  I brought Chris and Grayson with with me.  Their house isn’t toddler proof – so there were a few moments when I thought I was going to melt down, but they quickly passed and we found new distractions to keep the little one busy for a decent length of a visit.  Granddad gave me this photo above.  He had looked at the engine of my new car, was happy to see it was well maintained and was telling Chris a story.  He designed the propulsion system of the Concorde.  And when they took the first model out for a test run, it flew beautifully, but Granddad wasn’t sure.  He asked the mechanic to open up the door and this was a snapshot they took.  It was covered in oil.  They went back for another few rounds before they got it right.  I’d never seen this photo before.  And I love it.  Hell, the history behind it alone is pretty damn cool.  But the shot is just a cool one too.  🙂

We sat and talked about airplanes for a bit.  Apparently he wrote a short book about his work with all the airplanes over the years.  He sent it to someone at the Museum of Flight and they asked if they could keep it and put it on display in their library.  I didn’t know that.  I felt like a horrible granddaughter for not knowing that.  He showed me a copy of the book.  It was amazing.  Inspiring.  I felt so proud to have this man guide me in my life.

I love him.  He has been someone I’ve butted heads with a TON in the past.  He is incredibly logical and sound.  Traditional and old fashioned.  And yet also has this amazing streak of creativity that leads to some positively incredible watercolor paintings.   He’d drill math and science into me as if my life depended upon it, but then would randomly put on a hat and crown and a robe and sing from My Fair Lady doing all the voices with flair and presentation or stop everything to jitterbug with Nana in the kitchen.  I grew up with them.  Spent time with them at least 5 times a week..sometimes even more.

They always made it very clear that knowledge was the most valuable and valued thing you could have.  That to stop or give up is simply just NOT an option.  You might have to wait, work for it, do what you need to do to get it right.  It’s not always fun, it’s certainly not always easy, but with passion, love, time, dedication, hard work, loyalty, and sometimes a little creativity, you figure it out.

For a long time, I’ve always done and acted the way they wanted me to.  Or how I thought they wanted me to.  I stopped doing that just a little over a year ago.  I started to show them ME.  I left the ex.  They were shocked.  Horrified actually.  Accused me of breaking up a family.  Of destroying the children’s lives forever.  I remember debating with myself on how much to reveal to them.  I went with being pretty open and transparent.  A few things I kept to myself, hey, different generations – they just don’t need to go there.  But I did share a lot.  I shared how proud I am of where I am in my career.  How, while I may not be inventing propulsion systems that can break the sound barrier, or redesigning an airplane made to fly so light and so high it can be used for new purposes…I am doing things to help society.  Hm.. well shit.  Am I?  I’m not convinced that the technology I build is doing anything to truly help society.  I mean, yea, it is… but it’s also a reason why there’s an odd breakdown happening in the world as far as communication.

All I’ve ever wanted was for them to be proud of me.  And I know that in a lot of ways, they are.  Today, I saw it.  The last time I visited with them, I saw it.  But there was other stuff in there too.  Worry, a lack of understanding, hope but I’m not quite sure what they are hoping for along with a myriad of other things.  They’re proud I bought the car, they’re proud that I am successful.  They are proud that I’m a good parent, I’m responsible, I read, I’m knowledgeable…blah blah blah.  Why do I always feel like I can’t quite measure up?  I’ve always felt that way.  I don’t fully understand it.   I think it’s because I look at all that he went through to get where he got.  It’s an incredible story.  About pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and making it the right way.  I looked up to him for that.  Still do.  Here’s a question tho, will I ever feel like I’ve accomplished enough to be worthy? And lord knows, accomplishments aren’t just in career.  It’s in family, in love, in life, in reading and the quest for knowledge.  I know I’m getting there.  I’m happy with my progress, but will I ever be enough?

I saw my parents today too.  Their house is always such a contrast to the grandparents.  Their dog jumping around happily.  My parents have gotten happier over the course of their marriage… Just as Nana and Granddad did with theirs.  It’s lovely to have that kind of example around me.  They’ve gotten cooler to me as I’ve aged.  I thought kids were always supposed to be annoyed by their parents, but mine, honestly, have become friends over the years too.  My stepdad and I are going to plan a double-ish date of some sort.  Go to a comedy club, order a few drinks, have a bit of fun.  I’m really shocked he brought it up and absolutely happy with the idea.

Hugely busy week ahead of me.  Taking a training course from 9-5 all week, but still have work to do and silly people trying to book meetings around my training.  I just hope they let me come up for air at some point.  If not, I may need someone to throw me a life preserver.

So that’s me – signing out on a Sunday.  🙂

Thoughts about “The One”

Jen2 Comments

In a complete contrast to last night’s rather silly post, I want to talk about “The One”.  A soul mate.  The notion that there is one person on the planet who is “meant for you”.

ring
Bunch of rubbish if you ask me.  🙂  Is a soul mate the human equivalent of the ring of mordor.. one ring to rule them all… one love to rule them all? And what.. if the love gets too powerful, do you take a pilgrimage to toss them into a fire-laden volcanic pit?  I think not!

So what is it then?  Why do I struggle with this concept so much?  I think it’s because of how I view life in general.  I have always been a believer that life, our purpose here on this planet is about knowledge and lessons.  We are given tests and lessons throughout life, and if, when we are presented with these lessons, we do not learn what it is we should have learned to move forward, then we’ll be doomed to repeat that lesson again until we do.  Hence why we see history repeating itself.  In that vein, the premise of a soul mate or “the One” doesn’t quite fit.  Not to mention it gives someone else a LOT of power over your life and it’s trajectory that personally, I don’t think anyone should have but yourself.  What happens if some tragic freak accident happens and “The One” gets hit by a Mac Truck?  What then?  Is that it?  No soul binding fireworks and heart melting love for me?  Bah! Again – I say Rubbish!  And the concept of fate deciding the future of two people is a little odd anyway.  People have free will.  They will make choices and decisions based on a multitude of factors.  Be an ass for too long, and your “soul mate” is likely going to leave your ass.

path

“We don’t meet people by accident.  They are meant to cross our path for a reason.” I do believe this.  I believe that people come into our lives when we need them, whether it’s to learn from them, or teach them, or a little of both.  I believe that when special people come into your life, you should embrace it and them.  Live each moment reveling in what makes them who they are and enjoy how they impact you and your world.  Maybe the phrase should be changed to something more like “the one for Right now”.  Ok, so the title  needs work – but let’s roll with that for a minute, shall we?

When I was 19, I married my highschool sweetheart.  He was my first everything.  If I hadn’t loved and married him, believed in the power of that “soul mate” theory, I wouldn’t have my daughter.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today – I would be someone shaped a little differently.  He and I were meant to be – for that time period.  Our relationship ending wasn’t the end of my love life, if anything it was the beginning.  The fact that our relationship ended, doesn’t diminish or change the feelings that were very real and present at the time.  He was meant to be in my life at that time, and wasn’t meant to be in my life forever.

I believe a “soul mate” is something different.  I believe it is the person, or connection between a person, that is meant to happen for a reason.  I’ve met and loved people in my life who I’ve considered soul mates ….both male and female – having nothing to do with an intimate or sexual love.  Friends have been in my life who I view as soul mates.  It’s a deeper connection that I can describe accurately with words.

stayinheart

And this… this is the key.  Soul mates, “the One” … whatever you choose to call it.  They aren’t meant to be there forever.  At least, I don’t believe so.  If they were meant to be there forever, you wouldn’t have to search so long and hard to find them. They’d be there already.  Now, I should also clarify, I don’t believe that everyone you meet is a soul mate, but I do believe it’s very possible, and quite probable that a person will have a multitude of them throughout the course of their life.  Both male and female, platonic relationships and not.  So what does all this mean?  Well – it means that the search for your soul mate isn’t as hopeless as it may seem.  And on the flip side… it also means that each one of us is a soul mate to another person, or two , or ten.

Maybe the other people in our lives are just the side dishes to the real main course…yourself.  YOU are your soul mate.  The one person who will always know you at your core.  Who, even when filled with self doubt or misery, will love you wholly and completely with no exception.  Maybe when people say they are searching for “The One” … it is because they have lost sight of who “The One” really is.  You.  And maybe that’s the true reason people come into our lives.  To help us see ourselves for who we are, or who we’re becoming.  To bring out the best “YOU” that can be.

To all my soul mates out there…. whether you were in my past, my present or are to come in my future… know that, for what it’s worth, I love you.  I cherish you for what you bring to my life and what you cause me to reflect upon.  I am thankful for your assistance in helping to shape the woman I am today, and the woman I am becoming in the future.

xxo

Just some thoughts…

Jen6 Comments

ImageI’ve been up since 5.  That’s joy of having a two year old.  He woke up and wanted nothing more than to take over my bed and watch the Magic School Bus.  Tonight he’s going to go stay with Grandma for an overnight.  Should be fun, I hope.  I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head this morning.  Random ones, but I’d thought I’d share.

I am uncomfortable with people spending money on me.  Funny, when you think about the fact that one of my “love languages” is gifts.  I like to spoil others.  If I’m spoiling myself, I like to include others.  If I’ve given a gift, I like reciprocation.  BUT … I don’t like it when someone spends more on me than what I feel I deserve.  Maybe it’s because I make what I do.  I like to go out for a fancy dinner every now and then, but I get awkward and uncomfortable when someone tries to pay for it for me. Why is that?  Why isn’t someone else entitled do spoil me the way I do to others?  Why does it freak me out so much?

Love.  It’s complex.  There are varying levels of it.  I love my cat, I love my kids, I love my bro.  Those are some levels.  When I love a man – there are varying stages there too.  The first stage for me is interesting.  It slowly creeps up on you – and dawns on you that the person you’re with is someone who, if they were to walk out of your life, you’d be hurt by it.  That’s typically when I know that I feel love towards a person.  Then it grows … or doesn’t… from there.  Sex is not something that I take lightly or give openly, unless there is that definite and real possibility that love is there or will be.  Sex is the next stage.  Women are known for getting more emotionally attached after sex, and this rings true for me as well.  It is one of the reasons I am careful about sex.  For me, I give a small piece of me to a man; and hope to receive a small piece of him in return.  Reciprocation is a big key there.

The bro has a date tonight.  I’m excited for him.  I hope it goes well and is a huge success.  We spent a bunch of time talking about the what if’s last night.  What if she’s “the one”?  What if she’s not?  It’s certainly been interesting, with both of us single.  We both have very different approaches, and very different “end goals”.  He wants a wife and a family; having never experienced those for himself.  I can’t imagine being a wife again.  And yet, it’s kind of all I know.  I was good at it. I don’t think I ever want to get married again.  I want love, I want companionship, I want a best friend and an amazing sex life… but I no longer believe that marriage is one of the checkpoints on the list.  I can’t have any more children, so that’s obviously another that’s not on my checklist.  I should say this…I dream of finding that one person. I dream that they’ll ask my step dad permission (no one ever has). I dream that I’ll find that amazing love that will allow me to feel safe with the idea of marriage again…but, I don’t know that it’s realistic of me to dream like that.

Marriage is a piece of paper.  You can have love and commitment and comfort and joy without that little piece of paper.  It no longer means what it used to mean.  When I married my first husband, I was 19.  We were high school sweethearts.  Being young and naive, I truly believed that your first should be your last.  And he and I shared many firsts.  I believed that love alone could conquer.  It was so very different from what I had pictured in my head.  I handled the abuse quite well, but when it spread to my new 1 month old daughter, we got out.  After being together for 6 years, we got divorced.  Waged war.  I won.  This state favors women.  I gave him opportunities to prove he could get control of himself and be a dad, he chose not to.  His loss.

With my last ex… I still believed in the absolute power of love alone.  I thought love and my stubborn determination could help to change and improve the man for the better.  I knew when I married him that he was a raging alcoholic, and I truly thought I could help him get better.  That he’d choose love and a family over a lousy bottle of beer.  10 years.  Ten years of telling myself every day that “someday, he’ll wake up and we’ll just have everything we wanted”.  Ten years of ME working towards the things we wanted alone, while he would try and hide his habits and mistakes.

Love is not enough.  The power of it, while fantastic and amazing… is not enough.  There is so much more to factor into a relationship.

Compatibility, which also has a ton of layers to it.  I can handle anyone for a short amount of time, even a few days.  But what about over time?  A year?  eh – even that seems easy.  When the two major relationships in your life were both longer term ones, it seems like a short one would be a cinch.

Compromise.  Every relationship requires it.

Trust.  This is a duh, or it damn well should be.

Openness.  This is something I value.  Be willing and able to share the thoughts I see cross your face, because lord knows, I’m going to ask.  🙂

Play.  Whether with each other, games, with kids.  There has to be a time for laughter and joy and play.

Alignment in Priorities.  Whether these are life goals, or just feeling similar about how often to spend time together…priorities are important.  How much of a priority to do you make each other?  Myself, I have NO desire to be a man’s #1 priority.  I like my space and independence too much.  But I know I need to be a priority in some way to feel like I’m wanted and needed.  I should rank in the top 5-6 hehe.  If a crisis pops up in life, I want to know about it and not be the last to find out.

Affection.  I’m affectionate.  I like hugs and cuddles.  I like to touch a person..as appropriate for the person of course.

Sexual Compatibility.  This one’s a little tricky. Or at least it has the potential to be.  And there’s a lot that factors in here too.  Some say you either are compatible here or you aren’t.  Others think it grows over time.  I kind of find myself smack in the middle on this one.  There damn well should be some spark there or what’s the point?! But the ability to always be successful … eh … I could see there being situations where 2 people, still kinda new to each other are going to fumble a little here and there.  So that could take practice over time.   Although when I say that – if you were to ask me how much time… I’d have NO clue.

Communication.  This one is tricky too.  How much is too much?  How much is too little?  What forms of communication are being used?  Obviously in-person communication trumps all.  I’ve never been much of a fan of phone calls.  And lately, even texts drive me a little crazy.  There’s too much room open for interpretation with them.  Things get misread, or misunderstood.

Sigh.  Well I obviously don’t have all the answers.  But at least I understand the ingredients.