Tag: loved ones

That strange unexpected moment when grief strikes…

Jen1 Comment

toss

I’m sitting in my office.  I have music playing at a low volume in the background.  My day so far has been busy, full of meetings, and reviews, lots of emails back and forth with questions and analysis of behavior or decisions that are being made by our leadership teams.  Overall, it’s been a good day, so far, but..

I’m feeling a sense of quiet today.  Actually, it’s been a couple of days of me feeling a bit quiet.   I’m not unhappy, although I’m sure some folks would question that based on my behavior.  I’m not though.  I’m just quiet, and introspective.  Been thinking a lot about my life.  I’m happy with life.  I’m content with where I’m heading, what I’ve seen and done, and the people who occupy my time.  Ben has been on my mind for the past couple of days.  I was in the car this weekend, heading to visit with a few of T’s friends when a song came on and it really took all I had to hold myself together.  All I could think about was Ben.  And it was one line in the song that did it… “I’m a broken heart, that’s still beating.”  It just enveloped me swiftly and suddenly.  One minute I was laughing and singing along to the radio, and the next, I was quiet and fighting back the tears.

teardrop

I hate that grief does that.  You could be happily carrying on with life, and the next thing you know, you’re at the grocery store blubbering over the tomatoes for no other reason than a song they’re playing in the background.  Does it ever just stop?  I don’t know.  I remember, growing up, my mom would occasionally have days where she’d just be sad.  She’d be grieving her own son that she lost.  She’d look through pictures, hold his blanket, show me his ashes.  She’d hide her grief from everyone – except me.  I used to think that was why she still grieved… because she hid it and didn’t just embrace her sadness.  But I’ve done that… I’ve grieved openly… and I still have those moments.  I think that’s just how grief works.  It’s a mean, evil bitch of an emotion… And yet… without it, maybe we’d somehow forget the ones we’ve loved and lost?  Who knows.

All I can say is that I can’t wait to get home and hug my kids.  Time to get back to work.  Much love neverland.  Hugs and Kisses.

lipstick kiss

The “maybe” ramble

Jen1 Comment

It’s 10 o’clock, and I’m finally getting a quiet moment to myself.  It’s been a long day.  Hell, its been a long week.  But, even with the stresses life has tossed my way this week.  I’m doing damn well.  I’m smiling.  I’m genuinely happy to my core.  And THAT folks, is really saying something.

I’m tired.  Wiped is probably a better word.  Sleep will come fast and easy right now.  I could pass out right here, but I haven’t written in a few days and I’m feeling the need to just ramble on a bit. I had a lovely chat with the bro tonight.  Well, it was more me listening, but still.  He was sharing with me what he hopes he’s found in his girlfriend  What he wants from a partner.  It was a chat about all the “maybe’s”  It was sweet.  I hope the very best for him.  For them both.  She seems to make him quite happy.

It got me thinking about my own desires and dreams.  You know the ones.  The ones deep down that you don’t let anyone know or see.  The ones that scare you a little because if you were to admit them aloud, you’d either have to do something about it or work towards it, or admit that maybe you’re too weak to try for it.  That maybe you’re scared of what other’s will think.  Could be a whole host of reasons why you don’t admit to yourself.  We all do it.  At least I think.  I hope I’m not alone in that.

I just want to live a life where I can smile …. most of the time.  I get that life throws you curve balls.  Hell, I can handle those most of the time.  I’ve learned how strong I am.  I tend to thrive when the pressure is on.  Not sure why.  Yea, I might fall down.  But I get back up and go at it until I get it right.  I’m tenacious in that way.  I just want to surround myself with people who want the same thing.  To smile.  To laugh.  To find joy in the world rather than drama, anger or pain.  To support one another and cheer each other on.  To have someone who will think the world of me the same way I do for them.  To show me with affection and actions that they truly care about me and want me in their life on a … well, eventually on a daily basis.  But that takes time too.  I’m not perfect.  No where NEAR it.  But I do strive for continual improvement.  To continually learn from the mistakes I make or the mistakes I see in the world. I’m not looking for perfection either… that would be boring.  I’d rather grow together.

I think what scares me though is … while it’s great to want these things.  There’s lots that factor in to the success in having those things. The biggest is obviously the other person and their own feelings and ability to give love.  And then there’s me… On one hand, I give love very easily.  But on the other hand, it scares the shit out of me.  I’ll admit it.

The few times I’ve been in love I can count on one hand.  3, I could MAYBE count one more as 4, but I question it slightly.  I put my everything into those relationships and for varying reasons, they crashed and burned.  In my past, I started to question whether or not it was even worth it.  But in the last few months, I’ve been feeling a bit differently.

Maybe finding that one person who really makes you goofy, nerdy, cheesy, meltingly happy is worth risking a little heart ache.  Maybe they sneak up on you, when you least expect them to and suddenly find that they’re all you think about.  Not in a weird stalker kind of way, but in a … hmm… hope he’s smiling… kind of way.  Maybe they are just as happy hanging with you, eating pizza and beer and playing old school video games, as they are going out on the town or mixing in with a happy hour.  Maybe they’ll share with you, and be a team with you.  Maybe they’ll plan trips with you and dance with you randomly.  Maybe they’ll take you to the park when they see you need a calm reflective moment and just enjoy the sound of the surf and smell of the salty air with you, enjoying it just as much for themselves as you are.  Maybe somehow, in some strange way, you’re kinda perfect for each other. That’s an awful lot of maybe’s but it would be bliss. 😉

Maybe I’m just a sappy romantic at heart after all. Who knew?

 

Well folks, I need to go crash.  Goodnight Neverland.

The absolution of aging

Jen6 Comments

aging

When we’re young and looking for love, we hide our flaws and imperfections.  Hoping that they will be overlooked, or better yet, somehow found to be an asset rather than a hindrance to the overall package we have to offer to a significant other.  Then when you find that person, you can embrace the idea of aging together.  Lovingly pointing out the new grey hairs that come in, the wrinkles that deepen, the hair loss, the weird moles that suddenly start to sprout hair… all of that fun jazz (please note the sarcasm there).  Aging together WITH someone, is almost charming, because at least you’re both falling apart together.  The new love handles your significant other suddenly has becomes a new endearing quality that just makes you love them that much more.

But what happens when you’re aging and in the dating world?  Do you try and hide these imperfections?  Even knowing that we are ALL going through them?  Do you use bottles of just for men, or shimmy your body into a tightly fitting girdle in order to appear younger or fresher?  Why?  If we’re all going through it, age is something we can’t turn away from, our bodies slowly give away and reveal their weaknesses to others around us as we grow old.  This is something we, none of us, can escape from; and yet, you’d likely be hard pressed to find anyone in the dating scene over 30 who doesn’t still try.

I have a few greys.  Not many, I’m only 31 after all, but I’ve noticed 3 of them coming in.  I could pull them.  Yank them by their roots and try and pretend I never saw them. They’d grow back.  Instead, I’m embracing their presence.  Perhaps the silvery strands are there as little badges of honor, to remind me that life is rich and full and I’ve truly LIVED it.  And there’s a hell of a lot more to go!

I’m going to make an attempt in the next few months to embrace my flaws.  A little thinning hair – meh – who cares, it’s finally filling in.  I blame pregnancy.  Crows feet… yup – and I blame SMILING all the time.  The occasional blemish – hello Stress!! I am human.  I have faults, I have flaws.  And rather than hide these and pretend they don’t exist.  I’m going to simply embrace that they are me.  A part of me, whether I like them or not.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to grow old with the people I love and laugh about them all.  My friends and loved ones .. be warned.  I may just lovingly point out your flaws and adorable imperfections and encourage you to start embracing them too.  Hehe.  Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.