About love… and neighbors.

It’s been a lovely day.  I woke up to children snuggling in bed with me.  We spent the morning laughing and chasing each other around the house, took a few silly selfies and just spent time genuinely enjoying each others company.  My daughter made breakfast and even brought me coffee.  I’m lucky to have such amazing lights filling my life.

laugh-8

This afternoon, I was sitting on my front porch enjoying some sunshine and writing in my journal when my retired neighbor walked over.  He’s a hoot.  In his mid eighties and he tells some of the coolest stories about the history from around here.  Every time I see him, I’m struck by what a cool, definitely eccentric old dude he is.  He’s a hoarder, and his yard definitely reflects it… but the more I get to know him, the more I see past what others likely judge him for, into the character of the man he is deep down.  Today, he thanked me… and my family… for being a good neighbor.  For my kindness and conversation and laughter at his jokes.  I asked him questions… some related to the conversation, and others that I had simply been mulling over in my journal.  I shared with him that since moving in here, this is the first time I’ve ever lived on my own.  The challenges and the joys of it.  He lives alone, and was kind enough to share his thoughts on relationships and life and what it’s like to live it as a loner.  He shared a story of the one who got away… it was sweet and sad.

up-old-man1_3070890b

The longer I am single, the more I realize that it’s fine with me if I remain that way.  Who knows… maybe I’ve had my happiness in regards to love/sexual relationships… maybe we are presented with opportunities to find our matches… and the direction or paths that we choose determine whether we’ll have those opportunities again or just be alone.

 

Love is a complicated bitch.  It really is.  And so often has so many layers to it.  Looking back, I’d say I’ve been “full on” in Love – with complete and utter devotion, commitment and loyalty 3 times in my life.  Two of those relationships absolutely gutted me.  And since then… I’ve tasted the beginnings of what could have grown to that level only a couple of times.

One was simply not ready for me… in so many ways.  But this post is not about him.

Let me tell you a story… this was a few years ago.

Five months ‘fresh’ from ending a rebound relationship, after ending a very long marriage and I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. I’d been dreaming of finding “Mr. Right” since I was a girl.   And suddenly – he messaged me.  This man was everything I’d ever told myself I’d wanted.  We met, and went out on a few amazing dates.  I felt adored.  Wanted.  Everything I’d ever wanted to feel.  I felt safe, which for me, is a rare feeling.  He told me he loved me.  And although I felt it too, I paused.  It was moving too fast.  I hadn’t even really come up for air from the last relationship I was in.  And then I panicked.  And this is where the story goes wrong… because not only did I break up with him, but I jumped into something else.  Something that was wrong to begin with.  It gutted him, and became one of the few things in my life that I’ve regretted.

The friends who met him all adored him… and here’s the kicker… they STILL bring him up.  It’s a whole new ballgame when your friends recognize that you screwed up and call you out on it, even years later.

I regretted it because in no way could I go back and redo or try again with this man.  As much as I wished I could.  I let him down and broke his trust when I walked away.  And there is no amount of apology or explanation that could ever take that away.  He deserved so much better than that.  What I didn’t know then, was that I wasn’t in a place to even recognize that I was on a downward spiral.  He broke every relationship pattern and mold I’d ever had and because it was foreign and uncomfortable for me to feel the beginnings of a “healthy” relationship, I panicked.

bitch-friend-lost-love-paper-favim-com-263604

The thing is… this has been a defining moment in my life… So many life lessons packed into one lost opportunity.  I suppose that everyone goes through it… at some point in all of our lives … we have to experience “the one who got away”.  I suppose this is my story of mine.

Much love to you all Neverland.  I’ll ramble again soon.

lipstick kiss

Falling in love

love

Holy shit… This is it… It’s finally happened.

I think I can honestly say.. I am falling in love.  It’s incredible.  It’s been so long.. actually… no, it’s never happened before in my life.

Who? You must be wondering…is the lucky soul who caught my attention?

Well, I’ll tell you.  The person I’m falling for… is ME.

Hehe.  Ok – so maybe “falling in love” might be a weird way to put it.  But it’s the truth!  On St. Patty’s Day, I got the keys to my new place.  The next day, Friday, the movers came to pack up all of mine and the kids stuff into the big truck and take it to our new house.  I’ve officially been living there for 5 days and I can honestly say – it’s fricken amazing!

Ok yes, there have been a myriad of little problems pop up – but nothing completely unhandle-able.  And yes, I may or may not have gotten a bit freaked out by a scary noise one evening when I was by myself.  But hey – the cat’s likely enjoyed watching me sneak down the hallway in my pj’s, holding a sword that was entirely too heavy to be usable – going “Who’s there?!” lol.  But these are the memories I can and will laugh at, when I look back at the whole house buying experience.

It’s only been a few days – but it’s already starting to come together and look like a home.  A home I’m insanely proud of, and crave coming home to.  I don’t think i’ve ever had that before.  Where I truly crave just being there.  It’s a foreign feeling to me, but it’s a darn good sign that I made the right choice.

This morning, I woke up, snuggled with my kids for a few minutes and then decided that after 4 days of wearing sweats and shirts with holes in them (moving is dirty stuff).. I put on a dress.  I did my hair.  I put on my makeup.  And I strolled out of the house feeling like  a million bucks.  Life is damn good.

I may be fluffy, and I may be single… but damn… for the first time in my life… I love myself.  And that’s an amazing thing.

Kisses to you Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

When the universe teaches you something…

Happy Monday folks!

It was an interesting weekend, to be sure.  It was one of those weekends where life threw me some interesting experiences, the good and the not-so-good, and ultimately, all of them were needed.  I came home late Saturday night with a realization that I didn’t even know I needed to have.  It was the realization that I am worthy.  That regardless of any of the potential baggage that I may carry (my weight, health conditions etc.), that I deserve to be treated with respect.  That if I go out with someone, that they should ultimately have the desire to be there with ME and not necessarily be hungrily scanning the room for a female more worthy.  That I’m awesome and cool and fun and bring a lot to the table.  I didn’t know I needed to learn this lesson.  But there it was – staring me in the face.

tumblr-quotes-about-life-lessons-4

And rather than do what I would normally do, ignore it, or look away from it, I handled it.  I spoke up about what I deserve, and wouldn’t take anything less.  It hurt.  Worse than I would have guessed, but I’m extremely proud of myself.  In my past, I allowed people to treat me as less than the best by not setting expectations and just taking it if/when I was feeling less than respected.  It makes me as guilty as the person who was treating me so poorly.  I’m confident in my abilities to speak up now.  It shows me just how much growth I’ve made over the last few years.

I won’t lie tho, the weekend through me for a bit of a loop.  It was one of those strange kinds of things – where on one hand, you have a blast, truly one of the best kinds of experiences… and then immediately follow it with something that hurts and makes you question the path you’re on.  Where I’ve landed tho… after doing a work out today and now, writing in here.  I’m good.  Actually, I’m better than good.  I’m damn excellent.

cookie-cutter-houses2

I went and looked at houses.  Newer ones this time, and found that I was disappointed by them all.  Newer cookie cutter homes with little yards, certainly no where for my greenhouse.  Tiny garages.  And if you lean out your window – you could probably touch your neighbor’s house.  The homes themselves were beautiful… but I just don’t think they are the style for me.  So I got home and immediately started searching older homes.  I have 2-3 weeks to find a house and put an offer on it, if I want to hit the timing that I have all planned out.  It’s tight.  It has me a bit nervous… but it’s also incredibly exciting.

Well folks – it’s time to pack up and head home for the day.  I may write a bit more later tonight after date night with my son.  Much love to you all.  Goodnight Neverland.

lipstick kiss