Update: It’s been a while

First off, I suppose I should apologize.  You see, I use writing as a release.  When I’m feeling down, or lost or anxious… writing helps me find a way to vocalize whatever it is that’s weighing me down.  And once I can do that, once I process it – I can let it go.  But in the past few months, I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, and haven’t really had the desire to do much writing about it.  So.. here it goes… a brief update on all the busy happenings that have been my life since I last wrote.

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My side business is doing very well.  I imagine at some point towards the end of the year, that it will no longer be a side business… but something a bit more on the main business side of things.  It’s exciting and has been a lot of fun.  My best friend and my daughter are both heavily involved and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment to work on it with them.  Not to mention, I can pour my creativity into every new recipe or batch.  I won’t lie, a LOT of my time has been poured into my business… between making the products and making sure they have the proper cure times, researching recipes and new products to add to my lines, testing batches, labeling & packaging, shipping, marketing, attending pop ups or shows… it’s a LOT of work!

I had a bit of a health scare for a few months.  Ended with me having a procedure that, at least so far, has given me some answers.  I’m learning how to manage.  Some days, I have more energy than others, but I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit by and feel sorry for myself over it.  I’m unique. LOL.  That will have to do.

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I’ve attended a few events, a fair, have visited a few farmer’s markets and even had the privilege of participating in an east indian wedding… such an incredible experience. And the photos.. let me tell you!  All the colors!!!  Such a treat.  It’s been a lovely summer so far, and it’s not quite over yet.

My daughter and I are planning a mural on the long fence that is on one side of our property.  We’ve got a few scenes we’ll work into it, and we’ve spent a decent amount of time planning it out and discussing each scene.  I’ll be buying the paint & supplies tomorrow and we’re both pretty excited to get it going… even if it will take a while to complete it.

Mid-way through August, I’ve rented a little cabin for a couple of days.  I’m hoping the new Kayaks that I’ve ordered will be here, but if not, I’ll use one of the old ones.  I’m really looking forward to it.  To get out, explore… whether it’s by car, foot or boat.  To have nothing pressing, no rush to do anything except what I want.  There’s even a hot tub… so if I want to relax and soak under the stars… I can.  🙂  Absolute bliss.  I’m craving a little quiet.  To slow down and just watch the world around me.  I’ll be sure to bring my camera.  I like to capture that which inspires me.

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My day job has been going really well – we’ve been taking on a few projects that really have me excited.  I’m enthusiastic to see how they go… projects often morph and take on a new direction from how we first imagined them.  It’s a bit like watching your child grow up – and now you can’t really control what direction they take.

I’m still consistently losing 2-5 pounds each week.  I’m pleased by that.  I know I’ll plateau again… will just keep going.  The way I see it, it took me a while to put on the weight – going to take just as long to take it off.

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks actually – my roommate/nanny is going to be moving out at the end of August.  There’s been a little drama here and there in regards to that… so I’ll be happy to have the house back down to me and the kids.  Shoot – I can’t wait to feel comfortable getting juice from kitchen in my undies again! LOL.  But between her drama, and some drama with our neighbor behind us who wasn’t happy when my daugher washed the car and streams of water went into his yard, and the fact that I had to once again stand up to the ex to remind him that I don’t deserve to be treated with verbal abuse when he’s not getting his way… I’m so over it.  And truthfully, my confidence has taken a hit this week.

Normally, I don’t let things like this get to me.  Not really.  I may be upset for a few minutes, but truthfully, I calm down pretty quick and get over it.  But people this week, have left me feeling a bit confused, and more than a little lost.  I don’t think I was expecting it, so of course, it tripped me up a bit.  But I’m working through it.  I think it’s just a moment when I have to consciously decide that I will continue to just be me.  To unashamedly… Be. Me.  To do what I always do… to keep on keeping on.  Take me as I am, or leave me be.  I don’t think that can be a poor choice.  I suppose it would depend on how emotionally healthy “Me” is in this scenario… but in this circumstance… I feel pretty good about that.

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Life… and death, babies, marriage and divorce

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I struggled to come up with an appropriate title for this post.  I know what I’m going to start rambling about, and quite frankly, it’s not an upbeat topic.  But I don’t want you to think that I’m writing this from a negative or a particularly sad point of view.  I am not.  And maybe that, in and of itself makes this a strange post.  I write this post with a calm understanding that I wouldn’t have expected from myself.

A family member who I love and look up to has a health problem.  They are old.  They’ve lived a rich, full, amazing life.  This family member has had health issues on and off for a few years, it is what happens when you get old.  In the last couple of years, we’ve had a few little scares here and there.  And whether or not a particular scare comes to fruition and we then have to experience another loss has yet to be seen, but the more scares that we face, the more I am reminded that there are just some things you cannot escape from.  As our parents and grandparents age, this is something we all have to deal with.  I think what makes it worse is that one will often seem to spur another.  It’s a strange cycle really.

Another friend is currently laid up in the hospital on serious bed rest.  She’s having twins and one of the twins isn’t doing very well.  I was asked for some advice on how to navigate the NICU and a variety of other things that are scary to discuss.  No one wants to think of such negative things when they are pregnant.  I hate that I’m the person people can come to for advice on that kind of thing.  I’m happy to give it, and I shower them with as much positivity and love and understanding as I possibly can when that does come up, but I still hate that.  I worry for them.  I worry for their little ones.  I don’t wish those kinds of life tests on anyone.

This weekend, I attended a wedding of a friend.  Well, my friend is really her mom, but the daughter is my friend too seeing as I watched her grow through those awful teenage years.  It was nice to see them.  Nice to see what the daughter is growing to be.  I wish them the most happiness I can.  It was a lovely ceremony outside in a park overlooking the waters of Puget sound.  Turned into a truly beautiful day really.  They really lucked out in the weather department.  I didn’t expect for it to hit me the way it did.  I don’t get sappy at weddings, I’ve just never been that type.  But this one hit me.  I watched as they read their vows.  Then brought their children in and included them into the ceremony as well.  It was heart-melting to watch them laugh and cry during the ceremony.  I’ve never been the type of girl to dream about a wedding.  I guess I’m too much of a tomboy for that kind of thing.  But I’ll admit… there was a brief moment, where I pictured myself in a ceremony just like it.  Wow, that’s scary to even write.  But it’s the truth.  This is my honest-only safe zone, I’m going to uphold that.  There I sat… watching the ceremony with a couple of tears streaming over my face and it’s taken me until today to figure out what was bothering me.  You see, I’ve done that before.  I’ve stood up, in front of family and friends and have made very similar promises.

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And at first I thought – ok I’m upset because I failed.  But I didn’t fail.  If I break down my actions, if I look at how I acted, how I worked, how I communicated….

I.  DID.  NOT.  FAIL.

What an empowering thing to write.  My first marriage – I didn’t rush into it.  I was with the man for 6 years before we tied the knot.  I gave it my all, and then realized I had to protect my daughter more.  My second… I rushed into, but I gave it everything I had.  Truly I did.  And we lasted a long time.  11 years together.  He chose his addictions over everything else, including my children’s safety.  Sorry buddy.  Game over. Funny, he wants to introduce me to his new girlfriend.  I told him that would be fine, I’d like to meet the woman who’s hanging out with my kids.  He shared that I was the world’s best damn wife.  I found that so weird and awkward to hear.  But … it affirms to me that I did not fail.

You see – marriage to me is a promise.  Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I truly do believe that marriage is supposed to be a forever thing.  I look at my grandparents, or my mom and step dad.  Those are two clear examples to me of successful, loving, relationships between two people who even after many, many years together, are still crazy in love.  They communicate and respect each other.  They encourage each other to reach higher.  But what’s really important though is that they each are their own person.  Their own passions and drive, and yes, they’re integrated together, intertwined so to speak, but could function independently if need be.  I think that is so important too.

I’ve managed to do quite well for myself.  I work very hard.  My career is in a great place, I have great kids, I take care of my responsibilities and manage to have fun and embrace my hobbies.  I shower the people I love and care about with love and affection as much as they’ll let me.  🙂  I’m in a good place in my life spiritually.

And what hit me, was the fact that I still want it.  Marriage. To belong to someone completely, and for them to belong to me. To have a loving, respectful, communication-filled marriage based on equal footing. Such an odd realization.  Will it happen? Who knows.  Maybe 5 years from now, I’ll look back on this post and laugh. Maybe I’ll be married, maybe I’ll be happily single.

I just have to remember.  It will come.  Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.  That is the course of life. It ebbs and flows, much like the tides.

Love and good health to you all.  Goodnight.

XXO.

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A glorious day

The move is done.  I’m officially out of the old place.  No more cleaning, no more trips between houses, no more busting my ass to ensure that the dreaded timeline I had looming over my head was met with satisfactory results.  It’s really – quite a glorious day today.

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I got sick this weekend.  Really sick this weekend.  On the floor, couldn’t move from pain, couldn’t stop throwing up, bawling like a baby, begging someone to just help me kind of sick this weekend.  The bro took me to the ER and dropped me off.  Which i was both grateful for and pissed for… I HATE hospitals.  They freak me out.  For good reason.  I spent FAR too much time in them from Ben and Grayson.  I walk into the building – which always smells like an odd mix of rubbing alcohol, latex and paste… why paste?? – and feel an immediate anxiety in my chest at being there.  An immediate sense of distrust at what they’ll do or find or say.  My instinct is to run.  I even asked the nurse towards the end of my stay if they’d ever had someone disconnect their own IV and just run out.  She told me that only crazy people did that – and it always ended up with them being tackled before they hit the exit and restrained.  Note to self – we do NOT want THAT!  I was massively dehydrated, weak, sore and really needed the help.  And I was scared, pissed off and all alone.  Let’s just say that I was acutely aware of both my surroundings, how shitty I felt, and the fact that I had no support system to keep my spirits up.  Now, 3 days later, I’m finally feeling a bit like me again.  A bit bruised and banged up from all the IV’s and blood draws…but finally on the mend.  I’ll admit, I pushed it in the last couple of weeks.  Too hard.  I do that.  I wrap it into my head that I can buckle down and make it through.  So what if I don’t feel very good – suck it up girl and get on with it!  Deal with whatever pressures, demands and stress life has tossed my way and handle it with grace, kindness, and intelligence.  That is my way.  That is who I am.  It is this mentality that has gotten me through more often than not.  BUT – on occasion – it is this mentality that is also sometimes my undoing.  This is often when a friend or family member will insist on me slowing down – and they’ll insist by force when they need to.

The bro and my 2 best friends basically did that in their own separate ways this weekend.  They’ve all now taken to reminding me throughout the day to drink water, or drink my Gatorade (I had to promise the doc and nurses that I’d drink it like it was going out of style this week), to eat, to nap, to not push it too hard at work.  Hello?!  This is me we’re talking about.  Head strong, stubborn ass of an Aries woman who doesn’t quit, who never caves and damn it all – certainly doesn’t break.  At least – not very often.  LOL.  I love them for their concern.  Actually – I’ll admit here what I’d never admit to their faces (they’d never let me live it down)… I need it.  I need the firm, gentle reminders.  I needed to feel that I was important to someone other than my kids and those who rely on me for financial aid.  And that’s precisely what I was shown in the last few days.  I am cared about.  I am loved.  I may be strong as steel, but I’m still not superwoman.

Now that the move is done, I can focus on unpacking.  You should see my garage.  It is literally packed from floor to ceiling.  Nothing is marked.  This was by far, the most unorganized move of my life.  But whatever!  It’s done!  I’m in my own place.  MY OWN PLACE.  Not a place I shared with the ex..  not a place with memories or bad juju.  MINE.  I’m thrilled by that.  And in 2-3 years, I will once again pack everything and move again – only… then – I hope it will be into a place that I own.  Not one I rent.  2-3 years.  It’s not very long, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime away.  I know it will fly by.  Grayson will be 5-6 years old. My favorite age.  Hmm… I wonder where I’ll be in my career.  I wonder where I’ll be in my relationships.  I know what I’m hoping for.  To be in love, stable, happy, with a path or trajectory that I understand and agree with.  To belong to someone, and them to belong to me.  We’ll go with that for now. 🙂

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Happy Tuesday everyone.  Hope you all are well and safe and happy!

XXO