There’s a lot on my mind tonight

So I will apologize right now if I am a little all over the place.  It’s been a lovely weekend overall.  One full of friends and lively conversation, good food and even dancing! 🙂

One of my best female friends, J, planned a party.  A formal black and red party at a local beerhall.  The rules – must wear formal attire – in black or red, and no drama or attitudes from anyone in attendance.  🙂  So I dragged my other girl (R) out.  It was nice to get all gussied up and go out.  It’s something I don’t do very often, although I have a feeling that will change now that J has successfully managed to get me to attend.  🙂 Here’s pics of R and J and myself that night.  🙂  R and I had a blast, 2 single ladies without a care in the world.  We ate oysters and mussels and just enjoyed being out.

It was good for me to attend.  I’m still coming back out of my shell.  And truthfully, this time of year, I don’t usually come out of my shell much at all.  But Saturday was fun and gave me a much needed boost of energy, I danced and sang and made some new friends and caught up with some old friends.  Tonight, I spent the evening with my daughter cooking good food and watching a movie she picked out before my son came home from his dads house.

Ben has been on my brain this week.  Actually – there’s a lot that’s been on my brain this week.  Things that have been rattling around in there range from Ben and his birthday anniversary that is coming up, to love and relationships, friendships, and just life in general.  Had someone told me 10 years ago, that this is where I’d be… I would have never believed it.  Any change or turn along my path, and things would be different.  I wouldn’t trade it, I know that things happen for a reason.  I’m ok with it… well – ok that’s not quite the right way to word it either – I accept it.  That’s enough.  Every year – around this time, I make a pact to myself – that I will not make any major decisions (if I can help it), in the months of Oct – Dec.  Grief is a funny thing – and I’ve learned my lesson in this respect.  In most cases – I can hold off until the new year on most things.  Patience is something I’ve learned to channel at this time of year.  I  miss my son.  Weird to miss some one that you only had for a short while.  And even tho it’s certainly been long enough – I still think on him and wonder.

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I gave R some advice this weekend.  She was wrestling with her feelings about a man.  She knew she was falling in love, but didn’t want to be the first person to say it.  She’s loved him for a very long time.  I told her something my Nana told me when I was young.  If you feel love – you should speak it.  It cannot be held for very long on the tongue.  And if you express it… you have a better chance of working past that strange anxious feeling that you get before you’ve said it to someone for the first time- because if it is returned, then something new can grow and blossom.  And if the love is not returned, then now you know and can move forward and move on.    It’s funny – as a teenager or even in my twenties… I didn’t put much stock in Nana’s advice… but looking back now – I couldn’t agree with her more.   I’ve always said I don’t say I love you to hear it back… I say it to make sure they know.  That’s enough.

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I’m going to start planning my next vacation.  I will probably go in April 2017 time frame.  I’d like to disappear for a week.  I haven’t decided yet where I want to go.  I have an idea of who all I’d like to invite to join me, but we’ll see if they have the desire to vacation with me.  🙂  I want to explore and get away.  Travel has most certainly had an enormous impact in my life, and I look forward to being able to continue to experience it.  I think my next trip will likely be a cruise, as it’s something I have not done yet.  My instinct says I won’t like it as much as I enjoy traveling as a local – but I want to experience it regardless.  It’s something Nana and Granddad would do when I was younger.  I remember them telling me stories and showing me pictures from all their many excursions.  Or try on the jewelry that was often purchased on these trips.  I’d picture the ports and destinations, the food and the events that were often a part of their stories.  My grandparents truly led amazing lives.  🙂

Can’t travel without a job.  I’m trying to not count my chickens – but I am hoping to hear good news on the job front this week.  Fingers crossed that I’ll have news either way by Wednesday!  🙂

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At the end of the day – I got some news from my mom, that my grandparents aren’t doing very well health-wise.  It has me a bit worried and anxious.  I know as they continue to get older and older that at some point, I will have to say my good byes to them.  But they are mine damn it!  Haha.  But in all seriousness, I’m not ready to even think about losing them.  It makes me sad to think about. Hopefully, things will be just fine and I’ll be allowed to put my head back in the sand on this particular subject.  At least for now.

Well – it’s time to get some sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you!!

The next chapter begins…

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I’ve always been of the mindset that it’s another day, another dollar… but lately… it’s more than that.  Life is fricken AWESOME!  Am I allowed to say “Fricken”? 🙂

Got a bunch of boxes unpacked tonight.  Lit some candles.  The house feels incredible.  It’s becoming a home.  Something I didn’t think would happen.  Happiness feels good.

I visited my grandma today.  It’s weird… I got a phone call from my mother during my lunch break at work today and she was requesting that I leave work and go sit with Nana.  Granddad is in the hospital and not doing very well.  She was worried to leave her by herself for too long.  So I dropped everything and drove over to her house.  Walked in, made her a cup of tea and sat and chatted.  It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do something like that.  Especially just Nana alone.  It was lovely.  We talked about all sorts of things.  Life, love, family, the new house, decorating, relationships and marriages, kids, travel… it’s been far too long since I’ve sat down with her and talked about things that really matter to me.  She got tired about 2 hours into it and requested that I watch over her while she napped.  Funny, this is the woman who raised me… and here I sat, watching her drift off to sleep.  I felt incredibly protective of her at that moment.  My step dad showed up and let me go home.  He would take over the duty of watching over her.

As I drove home, I reflected on all the times that she’d watch over me.  Times when I was sick, or sad, or struggling with some life struggle.  Interesting how life takes a turn and suddenly the children are the ones who take over and care for the parents.

Usually, when I see my grandparents, I’m struck with how inadequate I am.  How I’m not good enough or how I could do better in life in so many ways… but not this time.  This time, when I left and drove home to pick up my son… I felt pride.  I felt accomplished.  I felt this heavy and amazing feeling that I have made it.  I’m somebody my family is proud of.  My family is proud of who I am, what I’ve done… who I am and who I am becoming.  And for once, I felt it.  Too bad I can’t channel that feeling all the time… would be nice to kiss my low self esteem goodbye for good.  But whatever.. i’ll take the moment.  🙂

Goodnight neverland… talk soon.

Life is good

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My birthday is in 3 days.  I’ll be 32.  Sometimes I still feel like a little girl – overwhelmed and inspired by everything I see.. And other times, the wise old soul in me comes out and I feel like I’ve been around on this planet a hell of a lot longer than just 32 years.  I’ve been through a lot.  I’ve seen the deepest darkest depths of hell and I’ve experienced flying on some of the most amazing and joyous heights.  I’m definitely on a high point these days.  Sure, I may have a grumpy moment here or there.  A moment when stress bubbles up and I just need a hug, but overall, I’m doing DAMN well.

Yesterday I spoke with my grandparents on the phone for a bit.  What struck me about it is that about half way through the call, I think my grandfather had an epiphany.  I think it dawned on him how cool his granddaughter is.  We were talking about music and books and movies.  I was telling him how you can learn a lot about a person by the books they have on their shelf, or the movies they collect or the music they listen to.  I mentioned how people at work will often giggle at my strange playlists that range from Beethoven to Ella Fitzgerald to Nirvana to Eminem and everything else in between.  He was telling me how I need to focus on building up a resource library so that anytime I need knowledge on a subject, that I can find something on my shelf.  I explained to him that I can skip the huge library and just rely on the internet to help me research.  He laughed and admitted to being a bit behind the times on that one.  It was a lovely chat.  He then put Nana on the phone.  She’s one of the few people in my life who can get me to spill anything and everything without even trying.  I ended up jabbering on about everything .. birthday plans, my upcoming getaway plans, the job, the kids, the bro, and … wait for it..the guy I’ve been seeing.  My mom would probably intake her breath in horror.  I can just hear her say.. “But Jenny!  They’re old fashioned, they don’t need to hear about your love life.”  Why the hell NOT?!  It’s not like I’m sharing EVERY detail.  I simply mentioned that I was planning a trip to get away, she asked if I was going with the kids and I said I was taking a special friend.  She knew the minute I said “friend” that it wasn’t a friend and giggled and said she was happy to hear that I hadn’t embraced monkhood.

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I gave her no details, other than his name… and simply said how I am happy in life right now.  And I could hear it… her sigh of relief.  I’m betting my family has seen how unhappy I was for a long time but never said anything.  I’m sure they thought – well – at least she has her kids and her career.  She may not have found love, but at least she can care for everyone she takes care of.  I’ve had a TON of people comment to me in the last 4 months or so at how happy I have become.  How it’s infectious and they just want to hang out all the time because it spreads to them too.  Yay!! 🙂  And here’s my confession to you my dearest readers… It’s a genuine, completely content, don’t know how I ended up here, wasn’t planned and was a total surprise, cheesy, giddy type of happiness.

I’m super stoked for my birthday plans.  Even tho, so far at this point, not everyone has RSVP’d.  Who knows – I could end up with just a handful showing – I invited a total of 30 people.  But I don’t care.  I know that the people who do show up will be the ones that I’ll have a blast with and that’s really all that matters.

I’m also planning a “weekend” getaway for mid April.  I’m stoked.  I need it.  A chance to get away to a place where there is no signal.  No TV.  No pressures.  I can sleep in.  The kids aren’t coming.  I can get up at the crack of dawn and go for a walk on the beach if I want.  I can build a bonfire and roast marshmallows.  Find a pretty shell or a tide pool with treasures in it.  The place even has a great looking spa.  Get a massage and soak in a hot tub.  BLISS!  I’m taking Monday-Wednesday off in order to go and do this…. and as much as I am LOVING my job right now, I feel like knowing this is officially reserved and booked is what is keeping me from losing my sanity hehe.

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Looks like there’s a big chance I’m going to be visiting Washington DC in June/July this year.  We have a big convention for partners at that time, and I’ve pitched that if they want to do some heavy research, that’s probably the best place to do it.  Should be fun.  I haven’t seen much of the east coast.  I won’t know for sure on the timing of all of that for another week or so, but I’m fairly positive they won’t decline my request to attend.  What I need to look into now is whether I can have someone come with me.  I did so much travel alone last year, I’m kind of over it.

So … let’s see what else is going on with me.

Fleetwood Mac is going back on tour.  I’m trying to convince the parents to go with me to their show in November.  They were one of my favorite bands growing up as a kid.  Who am I kidding – I have so many “favorite bands”.. I think I need a new phrase.  The last concert I went to with my parents was Super Tramp back in the 90’s.  Good concert… first time I ever witnessed people smoking pot.  I remember leaning over to my mom commenting on the old men who were smoking pot.  She laughed at me when I said “But mom – they’re OLD!”  Ahh youth.

Well – I better get on with my day.  Happy Wednesday!! 🙂 Love to all of you!