There is a strange energy in the air today. Actually – for me, it started last night, but it is still hanging there. At first, I thought it was just me. I thought maybe I was being overly sensitive or touchy. But after today, I’m thinking it’s not just me.
Part of my job is to study human behavior. To understand reactions & behaviors at a deeper level and be able to clue in to what someone is really feeling or saying and what is driving them to do it. There’s a science to it – and there’s an art to it and it’s something I am constantly honing and working to improve and adjust. Because of this – I can be very sensitive to the emotions and behaviors in the people around me. I can’t tell you how often I’ve read an emotion on someone and wanted to just run up and give them a hug. I have done it actually – to complete strangers. What I saw on their face made it THAT dire.
Today – there is an antsy energy that I keep coming across. It’s impatient and edgy, bordering on annoyed. I’ve stumbled upon a few folks today who are struggling with it and no amount of me trying to comfort or soothe seems to be doing any good – so I’m just going to hang back and let everyone just do what they’re going to do. My hope is my own tribe of friends and family know that if they need comfort or soothing from me – they can always count on me, and that’s enough. 🙂
I was struggling with a moment last night. I had a silly dialog in my head that ultimately I had to just shut off and delete the script. I felt misunderstood and suddenly wondered if I’d ever truly be understood by another. But ultimately – thinking that way is silly and destructive. How can anyone ever truly understand another? All we have is our own life perspectives that color our lenses. We will never be able to pick ourselves up and place our feet in someone else’s shoes. At least not entirely. I suppose it once again filters back to the expectations we have in ourselves and those we love around us. We think that because someone is in our tribe or inner circle – that they’ll just somehow know or understand all that we’re thinking or feeling. Like magic. It reminds me of the work I have ahead of me – to keep deleting those old destructive scripts that do not serve me. To keep learning to strengthen my abilities to communicate and to stop leaning on old expectations that just don’t hold up.
So much work to do …. but truly, I’m enjoying this path towards … it’s cheesy to say enlightenment or well-being – but that’s sort of what i’m doing. It’s my path towards the best version of me. All of me.
The weekend is over. Time to begin another crazy work week. Thankfully – I thrive in the stress that comes from work. What I DON’T thrive in.. is stress that comes from friends or family. I don’t know why. I should be able to slough it off just like any other stress, but instead, I internalize it a bit more than I should. Suffice it to say – I had a great birthday – despite some moments of pretty hefty stress and disappointment.
I had a moment this morning though. I pulled into work, had already texted the bestie to see if he was here, as we always wander for coffee. He was, and I walked over to his car as he was getting out…and fucking broke down right there in the parking lot. Bawled like a 3 year old and practically climbed in his lap for hugs and safety. I don’t do that. Never, in the history of our 5 year friendship have I done that…EVER. I couldn’t help myself. I just let it all come pouring out. The hurt I felt, the disappointment, the stress, the joy over the great moments I did have, the love I feel towards the people in my life who made the best of my weekend….it all came pouring out of me faster than I could contain it. The man is wonderful, he just hugged me and let me spill it all. Gave it to me straight on a few things, helped smooth my ruffled feathers and just shared his thoughts and opinions on it all. I composed myself and asked how his camping trip was. Apparently, his own weekend plans didn’t turn out exactly as he’d planned them either. It has been determined, by him and a few other friends, that we will have a redo. Not sure I want it, but I won’t say no to hanging out with the people I love and care about.
I have always been somewhat empathic to other people’s thoughts and emotions. I read people very well. I think that it is because of this skill, that I have the ability to make people comfortable and have the ability to disarm them from their own stress or insecurities. I’m VERY good with this skill… usually. Hey, we all have people we can’t crack. 🙂 The bestie put it well this morning… “Hey you can’t help crazy.” But in order to be good at this skill, I have to put myself in someone else’s shoes and feel the emotion they are feeling. This can backfire on you if you’re not careful. When I feel someone’s stress or hurt or pain, it means I take on a little of it too. Too much of it, and I feel sick, or drained too. It somewhat works the other way too – I can pass along happiness fairly easily. And this, thankfully, just leaves me feeling great. Happiness is something that lifts you up, lifts others up, it’s contagious. I’ve learned over the years, when to disconnect. When to just disengage or keep to myself. It’s healthier that way. You can’t always jump in and help save everybody or fix every problem. It’s something I continue to work on and practice and likely always will.
I’ve met other people in my life who claim to be empathic. A few of them actually are….but more often than not, they are just folks who are fairly in-tune with people. The thing with being empathic – you will, more often than not, do whatever you can to NOT cause someone else pain. I believe in honesty, I believe in speaking your mind and telling people how it is, but I also believe in timing. I believe in being compassionate to what other people are experiencing. I believe in being an ear for someone, without having to share my thoughts or solutions to how to move forward, because I believe that when you become an adult, sometimes you have to be allowed to BE that adult and make your life what you will. Sometimes, the choices someone makes in life, is really none of my business. And just because someone shares with me what they’re going through, or what they are thinking about, doesn’t suddenly make it my business. I’ll be an ear. I’ll give a hug. I’ll be a cheerleader… but I won’t tell you how to live your life, and I certainly won’t embed myself in your business where I don’t belong. I believe that there is a serious lack of respect and manners and decency in today’s society and I do what I can to continue to embrace those rather old fashioned ideals. I do those things because I care about others more than I care about myself. Don’t get me wrong – I do care about myself. But I achieve happiness and a state of completeness from watching those around me find their happiness and strength.
Selflessness. It’s not a quality you see much these days. The people who truly know me… those in my inner circle of absolute trust, know this about me. And refuse to take advantage. In fact, on a small number of occasions, they have been the guardians and protectors for me. I’ll give anyone the shirt off my back if I think they need it. Doesn’t matter if you’re my neighbor, my best friend, a coworker or just a stranger needing help on the side of the road. My friends know this about me. They love this about me…even if they don’t fully understand how I can keep doing it without losing my own sense of self or sanity. This morning, the bestie showed his protective side. I needed it. And seeing it, made me feel instantly better. Can’t thank him enough for that.
I had a seriously productive day yesterday. An absolutely AWESOME day actually. Actually, I should clarify that it actually started out later the night before. A chat. A hug. A slow dance in my living room randomly and unexpectedly. Falling asleep to V for Vendetta, and waking up to cuddles and kindness and happiness. Breakfast at a new breakfast diner that was amazingly good. A walk in the spring sunshine in the park. Laughter and happiness, holding hands and sweetness. I needed it. It was perfect. Then got a ton of errands done, a ton of shopping, got a little work done, then spent the evening playing with my children and filling my house with laughter. It was just what I needed.
I’ve decided I’m not going to stress. I’m going to enjoy what I get, when I get it…because it’s what I do. I’m going to just continue to do what I do… make others happy, work my ass off, change the world for the better, one single step in a single day at a time. I’m going to forgive the people who can’t seem to see their own selfishness and embrace the people who recognize that I just am not that way. I will love. Give love. Seek love. Be love. Because it’s who I am.. it’s what I do. It’s all I know. And I’ll be damned if I let that change.
It’s Monday, get to go work out tonight. Going to help a couple of friends with their resumes this week. (Must be that time of year). It’s spring break this week, Alayna decided she wanted to go keep Grandma company. I’m going to miss my spunky little girl this week. She’s my mini-me. 🙂 I have a few work lunches this week, and a happy hour that I’m sure will pop up at some point later in the week as well. All fun times. Have planned a few “pranks” on my team for the week that I can’t WAIT to pull off. The smiles that will occur on this team… hehe..will be epic. Have a shipment of nerf guns coming in too – the nerf battle that I’m staging will truly blow all others from the past away.
Well – I better get back to the day job. Hope you all are well. Happy Monday!!