Healthy Relationship Goals

When I was young… I sought out relationships.  I perhaps wasn’t always as choosy as I should have been.  Years of being made to feel like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough led me down a path where I happily accepted anything and everything that came my way – be it friendships and significant others.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to be more choosy in who I allow to enter my world.  I’ve learned that it’s not the number of friends, it’s the quality and health of the overall relationships that really matter.

I’ve always been the person who rushes into everything.  I’m impulsive.  Granted, I DO have self control… but I’m finding, at least lately, that the one quality I used to be proud of in myself… I’m holding back now.  That impulsive passion and enthusiasm that I get, about everything …. be it learning something new, a new project at work, a new friendship or new hobby or love… I’m learning to keep that in check a bit.  Taking things slow.  Learning to be someone’s friend LONG before even considering getting physical with them.  I mean, seriously – what IS the rush for?  If the people who enter your life are really meant to stay … then why are we in such a damn hurry to get across the finish line.  It’s not like the race ever really ends… and what on earth would you get for crossing it?  What… a wedding ring?  A child?  A divorce?  lol.


It’s challenging… especially in today’s society.  And it’s not like a girl doesn’t have needs.  lol, but I’m feeling a little bit burnt out.  I’m finally starting to really like living alone.  I’m learning ME.  I’m immensely proud of myself and it’s strange because this isn’t really something you can share with others without sounding a bit foolish.  We’re taught to find a man, to settle down, get married, have kids…. that pressure is out there on us all on a daily basis.  Sometimes, it’s so subtle, I don’t even notice it at all.  But it’s still there.  And what’s funny – at least, for me, is that I’ve HAD all of that.  I’ve settled down, I got married, I had kids, I’ve been susie home maker and I’ve been the power suit wearing corporate working mom.  I have literally tasted ALL that society asks us to pursue.

Perhaps that’s why I’m enjoying this bit of soul searching I’ve done since buying this house.  I’ve been trying to figure out what the next big dream is.  I’ve been really enjoying the notion of holding off, on all fronts…. taking a moment to find and secure my footing before I do anything to shake up my world.  It’s certainly never anything I’ve done before.  It all feels healthy.  My goals for my life have shifted in new ways I wasn’t quite expecting.  I find myself just wanting a healthy relationship.  Keyword there is Healthy.  🙂  And for the first time in my life…. I feel like I’m certainly on the right path to eventually get there.  I’m learning to communicate my needs and wants and feelings in better ways.  I’m actively figuring me out.  And it’s really kinda awesome!

So to all of you out there…. single… looking for love… I highly encourage you to look at the opportunities you have to seek out what’s really healthy, thinking long term.  🙂  And to those of you who are settled down… or settling down… still racing… I ask you… What are you racing for and if/when you get it… what comes next?

Much love to you all.  Happy Thursday!

lipstick kiss

Perhaps it’s time…

I re-arranged my bedroom tonight.  It was nice to refresh the room a bit.  Think I needed it.  But something dawned on me as I was shifting furniture around.  I have a LOT of pictures of Ben.  They are scattered in frames throughout my room, and then there’s a large frame with a collage of them on the wall.  It used to be where I needed these pictures up.  I felt like I wanted them to surround me; Like it somehow kept me connected with the son I loved and lost.


Now, though, I find that looking at these pictures doesn’t give me the same feeling anymore.  Some of them still do.  I will likely always want a picture of his cute baby feet around.  There’s something so adorably sweet about baby feet.  But… suddenly, I want to keep my focus on the happy and positive.  The forward motion that I’m so desperately trying to continue.  The pictures now give me both a smile and an ache.  I wouldn’t take any of it back.  Somehow, even his death, was likely for the best.  Who knows what kind of life he’d have led.  His conception, his birth, his life and his death all had dramatic impacts on me, my family, my children and my friends in different ways and for different reasons.  We are all – in many ways – better people because of him.  I could never thank him for that gift.  If I take the pictures down tho, am I somehow dishonoring him?  Or will it somehow seem to signal that he doesn’t hold such a large place in my mind and heart?  I’m inclined to say no.  I honor him in other ways too, but the idea of pulling those pictures down, or even simply adding others to the collage frame feels off too.  I just don’t know.  Maybe I’ll take a staged approach with this.  One at a time until I find a balance that is right for me.  But how do you find balance with something like this?  How do you know what’s right when everyone handles these things differently?

Oh magic 8 ball of life… why must you keep giving such cryptic answers?

● Reply hazy try again
● Ask again later
● Better not tell you now
● Cannot predict now
● Concentrate and ask again