Tag: anger

Depression and Co-Dependency

Jen4 Comments

Depression

Ok.  I will admit it.  Depression has hit me this week.  Fairly hard.  I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet.  I found a new counselor.  My first appointment will happen tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency.  I want to talk about that.  I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships.  I want to understand how to break the cycle.  First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.

I refuse to sit and do nothing on this.  I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life.  History repeats itself – well NOT anymore!  When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.

Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup!  I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.

I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix.  I cannot change someone.  I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.

I’m nervous.  I’m finally getting really honest with myself.  I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy.  I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope.  If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life.  I will not be that person again.  I just can’t.

Anger, Vulnerability, Communication and Hope… all in one post.

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I was listening to some music tonight.  Was a great evening actually.  Love songs have new meaning when your heart is light and happy.  I was enjoying dreaming and being sappy and a song came on that I haven’t heard in a very long time.  It immediately made me think of my ex… for so many reasons… and not in a lovey sense either.

Here we are.
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I’m not old but I’m getting a whole lot older every day
It’s too late to keep from goin’ crazy
I got to get away

The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I’d never leave
What I can’t live with is memories of the way you used to be

The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone sometimes
I don’t know why this old world can’t leave well enough alone

angry

It made me cry.  It made me wonder if in 20 years, will I make it “back” to the one I was before?  Would I even want to?  This song, really sums up the end of my marriage.  We were both pretty broken.  From Ben, from life, stress, work, finances, kids… combine that with alcoholism on his end, and work-aholism on mine.  It was hell to walk away from someone who I once viewed as my best friend.  And it took some time to heal from that.  To be fair, I’m still healing.  11 years is a long time to be with someone, it’ll be some time still I’m sure.

carryon

The last two have been, inspiring, healing, eye opening, shocking, scary, and a hell of a lot of fun.  I think I’m finally starting to learn and understand who I am, as just me.  I don’t yet know or understand all of me yet.  Or maybe I do, I just don’t fully trust myself about it yet.

Everything changes.  If I could turn back the years, I wouldn’t.  But I’d have never imagined where I am, as where I’d be.  Life is sure full of strange twists and turns.  Sometimes I look back and have to question… did all of that really happen?

vulnerability

It’s scary opening yourself up to someone new.  Very scary.  Especially when someone comes into your life that lights you up.  That makes you feel alive, and safe and strong.  I find myself tripping and falling on my face quite often when it comes to matters of the heart.  I trip myself up with my own stupid insecurities.  Mainly because of things that come from my past.  What sucks is that I realize all of this, and yet, can’t seem to stop it.  I don’t want my past to control my future.  I’m learning that I don’t like feeling vulnerable.  Which I think is kind of funny because facing vulnerability was why I started this blog.

I am so scared to be hurt.  Scared that because I have withstood so much.  And I haven’t ever really broken down from it.  I have moments here and there… but nothing like what I have seen with my family and because of that, I’m scared that at some point, another heartache, or heartbreak would land me in their shoes.  A place I desperately do not ever want to be.

So far, my solution to this has been to speak up about it, when I’ve got something weighing on my mind, which is difficult for me.  With my ex, I would stay silent.  I never spoke up.  There was never any point, it wouldn’t be heard. I know communication is the key to the very best, most successful relationships.  Speaking up has, at least I think, been working pretty well so far these days.  You’d think you’d get better at these things.  lol.

Ok – this may sound strange… but I think there was a shift.. in the way that I think about my world and life. After ben died… my world stopped.  I know people use that phrase all the time so it’s hard to really describe the gravity of what I really mean.  But I mean it literally stopped.  I felt like I couldn’t even remember how to breathe.  I walked around in a total daze for I don’t know how long.  Cars whizzing by, people getting their coffees and going about their day.  My brain could not compute.  And suddenly it clicked.  I am simply a cog.  A cog in a machine that was built to run in a way that if a cog stopped, the rest would continue and the machine would never stop.  I used to believe that one little person could matter.  That one person could make a difference large enough to change the world.  But from that moment in time, my opinion began to change.  Perhaps it was reality smacking me in the face.

realitycheck

If you want something… you gotta work for it.  No one is going to hand you anything.  You can work and work and work and still fall flat on your face.  IF it happens, you get back up and you plod along.  What will be, will be.  But if you want happiness… you create it.  If you want love… you give it.

I don’t know what is in store for me in the future… but I do now this.   I’m happier than I’ve been in a very very long time.  Life has it’s stresses, but I deal with them fairly well.  I’m learning to trust.  Myself, and the ones I love.  I won’t give up, and this time…this life is mine.  No one else will care about it all but me in the end.  The next chapter of my years… are bound to be the best I ever had.  And I can’t wait.

Goodnight Neverland.  Thanks for reading my ramble.  Here’s to a new week.

lipstick kiss

And sometimes, you trip…

Jen1 Comment

embarrassed

And I’m not talking about when you’re just thrown a little off balance here.  I’m talking an epic, ironic, scar-rendering type of trip up.  This weekend, I accidentally tripped over and into a whole mess of crappy feelings and emotions that I never intended to fall into. It leaves me feeling embarrassed.  Ashamed.  And a whole variety of other things.  These are feelings that don’t sit well with me.

wonderwoman

I don’t have a lot of self confidence.  I can fake it with the best of them, but dig even just a little and it’s there under the surface.  In the last few years, I’ve seen myself blossom.  It’s a slow process.

littlerosebud

Imagine a rose bud late to bloom.  Perhaps it is scary and painful to unfurl it’s petals?  Every petal that it slowly loosens from it’s core is deliberate and carefully allowed to open.  When it does fully bloom, it is sure to be truly breathtaking.  But imagine, that as it slowly opens, petal by petal, someone comes along.  Do they encourage it?  Bloom little flower, it’ll be ok.  Or do they shut it down and encourage the flower to stop it’s bloom?  To do that would most certainly leave a scar.  Maybe the flower will be strong enough to withstand, and maybe it won’t.

Thanks to my embarrassment, I’m suddenly scared.  I let my walls down enough to take a chance on something.  The last time I did this, it didn’t go well.  And sure enough, again, this time… big flop.  Anxiety levels raise.  Is it me?  Maybe I’m not that rose after all?  Perhaps there is no bloom.  But if that’s true…sigh… sits quietly for a minute… it can’t be true.  I refuse to believe that.  I have seen far too much, experienced so much pain, and yet, so much beauty.  From the outside, and from within myself.  I have seen miracles.  I am that rose.  And to those who pass by… ignore me or encourage me, but please… please do not tell me not to bloom.

rosebloom

 

UGH!!

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despair

My god, what was I thinking?!  Seriously??  I know what I was thinking.  And at the time, it was right.

What am I talking about?  The ex; choosing to have Ben against all the odds; the debt that now hangs squarely over my shoulders and mine alone.  And that’s really the kicker.  Alone.  I never thought this would be only on me.  I’d never have thought to think that far ahead.  I’d have never dreamed I’d be a single mom, trying to make it in this big bad world alone.  Alone.  God that word just pisses me off.  And it shouldn’t.  I have no qualms with being alone.  I crave my alone time just as much as the next person.  But to shoulder the responsibility of a choice.  A choice I made WITH someone else.  To tally up the money I’ve put towards paying off that enormous debt put me in a bit of shock yesterday.  So far, thanks to several garnishments, I’ve paid just over $30,000.  Holy CRAP!  And then to tally up what the ex has contributed.  $0.00.  How much has he contributed to the kids?  Same amount.  His was fairly easy to tally up, what can I say?

I got my bonus today.  I should be jumping up and down and excited as all hell.  But when I do the math, 75% of bonus was taken from me, either by the tax man or the garnishment man for Ben’s debts.  Seventy Five Percent!!!!!!!!!!  That pisses me off to no end.  I worked so hard for this.  To hit where I am, to make what I do; to have earned this bonus makes me so proud – and to not even see it, is frustrating.  It would be one thing, if the ex has helping.  If I could look at the debt and know that it doesn’t sit solely on me.  But it does.  He’ll never pay it.  I know this.  Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand exactly how selfish and uncaring he is.  He showed it plenty this weekend.

Logan was over this weekend.  Just for an overnight.  I’ve missed him, and we had a lot of fun hanging out.  But he shared some things with me that were concerning.  He wanted advice on how to approach the ex.  Apparently he’s tried to talk to him about it previously, but it backfired in his face.  I was torn.  Of course I want to help him.  But I knew that by speaking up, it would put me squarely in the enemy seat.  Not a place I like to be in with him.  I trust him as far as I could throw him.  Not very.  😛  But for Logan, I did it.  I don’t regret it, but it definitely took a massive toll on me.  Emotionally, physically… I was a wreck afterwards.  He said a lot.  Refused to hear what Logan was saying.  Got defensive.  Got angry.  Told Logan to talk to the ex’s new girlfriend about this stuff instead.  How can I explain that Logan wanted to talk to people who’ve been in his life longer than 5 months?  He wanted his father to hear him, and even I couldn’t get him to see or understand that.  Of course, it quickly derailed, he flipped it and made it all about what it wasn’t.  It took all that I had to keep the conversation on a mature level.  The ex would raise his voice, goad me into raising mine.  I only slipped up once and when I realized what I’d done, I apologized for raising my voice and simmered instead.  The man threw everything at me.  My vacations.  Ben.  My wages.  Every button he could push, he did.  Every crack or weakness or insecurity he could dig or poke at, he did.  Because Logan was watching from in the car, I held it together as best I could.  I walked straight into my room, laid on my bed and screamed into my pillow.  Cried from a dark horrible place I haven’t done before.  I don’t typically have issues with anger or frustration like that.  I’d almost qualify this as angry despair.  How does someone justify that kind of selfishness?  How can you stand there and break your son’s heart for no good reason?  How can you erase (or try) the son you had that passed away?  Did it all mean nothing to you?  Ever?  Did I?  That’s just it…. I didn’t.  Will I ever to someone?  Is or was it me?  Maybe I’m not meant to have a partnership?  Who’d want to anyway?  For dating, sure… but long term?  I’m not convinced.  What’s funny, I walked into the kitchen afterwards, and the bro had a drink poured.  It was 11 am.  And me, not being a drinker, happily took it and gulped it down…grateful for the burn that scorched it’s way down my throat.

T and I have spent the day cooking with the kids.  We both need to save money and stop eating out so much, so in order to motivate ourselves to do that, he brought groceries over and we both spent the day cooking meals we could freeze for later.  2 Lasagnas, 2 pot roasts, Beef Stew, Seafood chowder, and thai peanut chicken were all on the menu.  The house smells so good and it was a blast to shop, and cook together.  We’ve danced and played with the kids, made faces at each other, had a ton of fun actually. His presence has been a welcome uplift; a vacation away from yesterday’s drama and my stress over my bonus.  I’m so grateful to have him in my life.

I’m scared to rely on anyone.  I’m very much an all or nothing kind of girl, what’s mine is yours kind of thing but it seems that relationships these days don’t work that way.  There seem to be so many rules that I either don’t know, or don’t understand.  it’s an auto reflex for me to treat my relationships as I’ve always done.  Apparently tho, that’s not how these things work.  The person who cares the least, holds the power.  How much is too much to spend time together?  I’d hate to scare someone away when for me, I am just doing what feels right to me.  When do you know to move things forward to the next level?  Or do you?  My answer to that is to let others pave that path so to speak, they can set the pace, but that hurts a little at times too, when the pace isn’t quite what you’d set for yourself.  Sigh.  I’m feeling a bit lost.  It’s an odd learning curve, one that I’m really struggling to master.

I don’t know what the right way forward is for me right now.  I do know that I will figure it out, I always do.  I’m independent, will take care of my own.  I will learn to stop wanting a partnership and just do for myself.  I do anyway – not a stretch to turn the heart off and stop trying to save everyone all the time.  The problem is, I am not convinced that doing that is the right thing either.  Guess we’ll find out.  Much love Neverland.  XXO!

Release the beast

Jen2 Comments

Sometimes I take on too much.  I sincerely don’t mean to do it.  It’s because I want to help.  Whether it’s at work, at home, with the kids, with family, with friends or loved ones.  When someone or something I care about needs help, I jump in and do what I can.  Sometimes invited, and sometimes uninvited, which I try very hard not to do.

I’ve taken on a bit too much in the last couple of days.  Some of it actual promises and deadlines for work, others just taking on worry over work or family or friends.  I’ve had a few nightmares in the last few days.  Usually I let stress flow over me.  A rock under a waterfall has always been the visual I use to help myself in times of stress.  Especially when it’s not under my control.

That grumpy Jen I was trying to keep in the cage this morning finally burst through the doors this evening, and I don’t think she wants to cuddle and purr.  I want to pace.  I want to yell.  I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum like a child.  I want to get on my bike and speed off into the sunset as fast as I can go.  I can’t because it needs a new battery.  Fine then… I want to get in my car and drive like a bad ass fleeing hell, but I can’t do that either.  It’s new and has this thing on it for the insurance that tracks how I drive and I refuse to pay more because of a little anger.  Ok, music! That’s it… I’ll play loud music and dance like a dork throughout my house.  Yea.  Hmm, the computer that plays the music is currently in use by the bro.  Can’t go work out until the kids go to bed.  I could probably swim a few miles no problem right now.  Stomps my foot.  What to do for an attitude adjustment in the mean time?

swingset
Photo Credit: http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2495/4004046883_89e6f5fceb.jpg

Thank god we have a swing set in our backyard.  There’s something lovely about the rush and speed of the wind flying through your hair as you pummel forward, and the light weightlessness as you hang in the air for a second and then the stomach dropping plummet backwards.  Higher and higher.  Until……Release.  🙂  A bit of swinging with the kids and the grumpy Jen found a spot to lie down and purr.  I’m still going to go swimming later.  I think I need it, as I can still feel a bit of pent up energy.  I’ll simply have to put it to good use.  There is simply no point in being stupid, or letting it out on people who don’t deserve it.  This frustration isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  I let it build.  In the last couple of days, I have let things people have said to me, get to me.  It’s rare that I do that.  But so be it.  It happened.  I’ll get over it.  Always do.  I just hate it when people think low of me.  Or think that I won’t be there for them.  I’m probably one of the most loyal people on the damn planet.  To the point where i’ll put my own needs and worries and frustrations completely aside to care for others.  It’s what I DO dang it.  Deal with it Dirwood!  That, combined with frustration over work, and worry over family and friends and it explains completely why I felt so full of pent up frustration and energy.

I also realized tonight that others have been right about one thing about me.  People have always told me that I’m “cute” or “funny” when I’m mad.  Of course, in that moment, hearing that just makes me more mad.  But tonight, as I was stomping my foot in frustration … I realized that perhaps they are right.  I don’t do the normal anger things.  I don’t really yell very much.  I talk fast and ramble, I pace, I crave the ability to speed away or just move in general.  If I’m near a keyboard, my typing speed which is already very fast at 120WPM gets even faster and typically a lot louder.  I’ll play music and sing my heart out, and my voice will waver … either in passion and vibrato .. or on the verge of cracking due to holding in the tears and emotion.  But that’s it really.  I cool down pretty quick, almost as quick as it might come on.  And then it’s done.  The angry elf turns back into the jolly elf.  😀

elf