Sunday night thoughts

tea-light-candles-in-the-dark-preview-image

Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

rain_0

In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

lipstick kiss

Just a quick post before bed

001

It turned out to be a good week at work, and it ended on a high note with a great weekend.  I spent time with the kiddos, got caught up on a few chores, and generally just enjoyed some time at home.

Tomorrow, a new week will start.  I’m excited for it, as I made some interesting progress last week that should carry forward into these next few and the progress has me anticipating what will come around the bend.

I have my counselor appointment tomorrow.  I’m starting to see “progress”.  I put that in quotes because I don’t know that it’s progress as in moving forward just yet.  It’s more of about coming to an understanding of why I am the way I am, how I work, and what the patterns are for my behavior.  Honestly, it’s been kind of fascinating so far.  It’s also been incredibly difficult.  I didn’t expect to have to open up old wounds.  Not sure why I didn’t.  I think I thought – “Hey, I’m in a crisis mode right now, let’s Band-Aid it and move on…”  But no, it doesn’t work like that.

I read through some old journals this past week.  It was incredibly eye opening, and made me feel good about how far I’ve come.  How much I’ve changed and grown.  I’m definitely not that girl anymore, at least not in big ways.  There are still themes that come up tho.  I’m still incredibly hard on myself.  I’m still a total romantic sap who secretly pines for love notes and music and candle light. I’m still a dreamer and a lover. I crave blanket fort filled rainy days and random dances in the middle of the street.  And I need reassurance and praise when I do well or make someone happy.  In my past, I was never good at communicating those needs.  I’m not even sure I knew they were “needs”.  But I’ve worked hard on making sure I communicate better.  It’s a learning process. 🙂

I don’t fight anymore – A. Because I don’t have anyone that I need to fight with and B. What purpose does fighting serve?  Yelling … I’m sorry but I’ve certainly had my fill of it in the last 12 years.  I don’t need any more of it.  I’d rather talk it out, calmly find a solution and move on…compromising when needed.  It all balances out in the end anyway.

Here’s to a new week… to a stronger, wiser me… to sweet dreams and even brighter futures.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss