Tag: advice

Depression and Co-Dependency

Jen4 Comments

Depression

Ok.  I will admit it.  Depression has hit me this week.  Fairly hard.  I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet.  I found a new counselor.  My first appointment will happen tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency.  I want to talk about that.  I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships.  I want to understand how to break the cycle.  First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.

I refuse to sit and do nothing on this.  I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life.  History repeats itself – well NOT anymore!  When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.

Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup!  I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.

I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix.  I cannot change someone.  I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.

I’m nervous.  I’m finally getting really honest with myself.  I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy.  I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope.  If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life.  I will not be that person again.  I just can’t.

You see, I died that day.

Jen2 Comments

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On my drive to pick up my son after work, I was thinking about my post from earlier.  I was thinking about grief.  How sometimes, I just forget all about it.  I get wrapped up in life, T, work, the kids, the house… and then some days, it’s all I can think about.

Acute Grief.

Only a few weeks after Ben had passed away, a doctor diagnosed me as having Acute Grief.  I remember wanting to punch him in the face.  What do you expect?!  He’d asked me what I’d been going through from a stress level and I broke down right there in the office.  You see… I died that day.  The woman I was… she’s gone.  Left in her place was a shell; a look alike.  Acute grief.  I’ve looked it up.  It’s a real thing, and I won’t lie, I’ve related to most of the symptoms (physically and emotionally).  He wasn’t wrong.

Someone asked me why I chose the tagline for this blog that I did.

“Ramblings of a girl masquerading as a woman…”

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Because that’s what I am.  A girl in a shell of a woman, who is learning how to live again.  This year will mark six years since that day.  The new me… is essentially a little girl…I’ve had to re-learn how to breathe, how to trust, how to love.  Every day I grow just a little bit more.  Every day, I add to my goals and dreams for this new life.  Some days, I’ll work toward those dreams with gusto and some days, I’m timid and maybe even a little afraid.

Interesting how I’m just as vulnerable now as I was as a child.  Vulnerability.  We think when we’re children that we’ll get away from it.  But in reality, it is only in adulthood that we learn to accept our vulnerabilities for what they are.  And in doing that, they become strengths.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk again soon.

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A few rambles about new jobs, self esteem and sex.

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I’ve started my new job.  Today was day three.  So far, I’m pretty excited and happy to be where I am at.  It’s different than I am used to, that’s for sure.  I think I got used to working for the borg.  🙂  This company is a bit smaller, and my position is much higher than where I was.  I have a new big office, a second space that has a couch and some cushy chairs and a bunch of whiteboards, and I have a large design studio space.  It’s been pretty awesome getting acquainted with folks and digging into projects.  It’s helped me see just how much I needed this change.

I haven’t seen my counselor in just over 3 weeks.  At first, there were a couple of days when I would start to panic and want to make an appointment, but over the last few weeks, I’ve learned that maybe it’s ok to feel lost and uncomfortable with myself.  It doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, and it doesn’t mean I’m a failure.  It simply means I’m still a work in progress.  And I think I’m ok with that.

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Something interesting has started to really dawn on me lately.  The last time I had a sit down chat with my father, he talked to me about how I have a problem with commitment.  At the time, I was pretty pissed off and couldn’t really register what he was saying.  But with some time to cool off, and distance from the conversation, I’m starting to realize that he’s not wrong.  It’s weird.  I’ve always viewed myself as someone who’s 100 percent loyal to a fault.  Someone who’s 100 percent committed to the people I love and care for.  And I have been.  However… every single relationship I’ve had that has ended, has ended because I walked away.  Which means, Dad isn’t wrong.  From that perspective, my level of commitment towards those relationships wasn’t strong enough to hold me in my place.  His point wasn’t to make me feel bad, it was simply to point out that moving forward, I have to be willing to give all of myself.  To trust fully and completely and to commit 100 percent.

I thought I was doing that.. but even lately, i’ve caught myself struggling with the occasional stream of self doubt that helps me realize just how far I still have to go.

I have what I’d like to consider to be a silly problem.  There’s something I’m wanting, sexually, and I’m too timid to speak up about it.  Not only am I too timid to speak up about it, but I’m also too nervous of getting turned down or said no.  And to be honest, I find it incredibly frustrating.  Not only that, but how do you even go about describing something that you haven’t experienced in order to ask for it?  This is mineI want to feel like I am someone’s.  Completely.  Sometimes, I want to feel possessed or owned.  I want to know that someone revels in every inch of me.  Not in a bad or abusive fashion… but in a I’m going to cherish you in a way that no one ever has.  That they know my body and know what to do to make me melt.  Is that weird?  Maybe it’s the inner submissive in me?  I suppose because in my head… that’s how I feel about the person I’m with.  Their body, is almost an extension of mine.  I better know how to give them chills, how to cause pleasure and ecstasy with a few single strokes or kisses or touches.  In theory, as a significant other, isn’t that my job?  Curious to some of your thoughts…

Goodnight neverland.  Much love from quirky ol’ me.  Hehe.

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Sometimes.. the truth hurts.

Jen1 Comment

I got served up with a little bit of truth tonight.  From someone who knows me and has my respect and love as a sister.

“I’ve never seen you so unsure of yourself.  You’ve been so hurt, confused, and unhappy and mostly pretending to be okay.”

**insert long pause**

**compose self… wipe tears”

Fine.  Yes.  You’re right.  And yet, you’re not.

Because isn’t that life?  When are we ever 100 percent happy?  When?!  You can be happy for moments, you can be happy for periods of time… but there are ups and downs.  I’ll admit, I’ve had some stress piled on me for a couple months now.  Between kids health, my health, job stresses and then relationship stresses on top of that… yea, just a little added stress.  That’s what happens though.  That doesn’t mean I’m not happy.  I run around and play with my kids, we snuggle, my daughter and I have a few shows we like to watch and a few games we like to play.  Sure, I even get run down and frustrated with them from time to time, but we still play and snuggle.  I’m quite satisfied with my social life.  I have a circle of friends that are more family than anything else.  Financially, I’m comfortable.  I’m not unhappy.  Am I unsure of myself?  Yes.  Do I pretend to be ok when I am not?  Yes.  Why?  Because my stress and worries are mine… I don’t expect anyone to worry or stress over them with me.  In fact, if they did, I’d be upset… they have their own world to worry about.

Yes, I’ve been hurt.  On a scale of 1-10… I’d say I’ve had more than a few 10’s thrown my way.  Am I confused.. sure… aren’t we all?  I don’t have a magic 8 ball.

“Reply hazy… try again later.”

Sometimes it feels like I’ve got all these expectations on me… and what I’d really like to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream “What the FUCK do you want me to DO?!”  I’m giving everything I’ve got.  Now with my back problem, I’m in a bit of pain… I’m tired… I’m still sick… And I’ve got a lot of shit on my mind right now.

UGH.  Ok… for real this time… Goodnight Neverland.

It’s been a while…

Jen1 Comment

I get this weird mood when I know I need to sit and write.  Or worse, when it’s been too long since I’ve sat down and just released the thoughts.  In fact, I even give myself away.  I’ll start looking for people to chit chat with.  To sit and talk about good things.. life, love, music, food.. whatever.  And sometimes, when you feel like you need to talk to someone… everyone’s busy.  Life happens.  That’s typically when I’ll sit and write.  Hence my post tonight.

I’m moving.  The house is slowly transforming from a home to a pile of boxes in empty rooms.  I can’t believe the time has come. I’m both nervous and excited.  It’s a strange battle of the opposites in my head.  Elation and yet worry.  🙂  So I’m just doing my best to have faith.  In myself.  In the choices that I make daily regarding myself and my children’s well being.  Will I screw up from time to time?  Hell yes, I am only human after all.  I’m learning to give myself more credit.  I have made it on this planet for 33 years and haven’t died, killed anyone, I’ve never caused any riots or committed violent or dishonest crimes.  I’ve done something with my life.  A lot of things I’m very proud of.  Which means ultimately, I deserve to give myself a bit more credit.

Do you all self doubt?  Always striving for the best.  But where is the point of measure?  What’s the goal?  In theory – because it is life, the goal line, like the horizon, is not an ever fixed mark.  It stretches on and on infinitely.  Which perhaps, is why they say its the journey, not the destination.

Since starting this blog post, I had a topic come up that I want to take a moment and just stand on my soap box…

If someone who really knows you, asks you what’s wrong, in a sincere tone.  And you know that they genuinely love and care for you… saying “I don’t know.” simply ends up meaning one thing.  It means that in my head, I’ll be thinking “Bullshit!”  Deep down, we know what is wrong. Saying “I don’t know” to that person simply means that you’re too scared to speak up about whatever it is.  They can see and hear something is off, so speak up!  They love you – they won’t bite!

Thank you!  Goodnight!