The most epic of epic updates

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Hello my dearest of dear readers. I realize it’s been quite literally more than half the year since I’ve written in this blog. But – I think perhaps you’ll forgive me when you learn a bit more about what I’ve been up to. I think i’ll just start where I left off…

I was struggling – with work, with myself, with trying to figure out what to do next in my world. So I did the unimaginable. I quit my job as Director and decided to do some serious traveling. I made two trips down to the caribbean – US Virgin Islands. In February and again in April.

There is something so healing about those blue waters, I get lost in them. I have always been a water baby… but there is something magical about an ocean that I can swim in without fear of hypothermia. I would literally spend 8 hours at a time just swimming and exploring. At some point – I’ll detail out all the fun travel stories – and believe me, there were MANY.

When I returned home, I worked for a short couple of months in a temporary position…. cuz dollar bills y’all…. and then realized I wasn’t done traveling. I booked a camper van for an entire month and decided to whisk me, my two children and my two dogs away on an adventure of a lifetime. We plotted our course – the goal was to make it all the way to the coast of texas and back. We would look at properties along the way – as I had it in my head that I wanted a vacation property – something I could enjoy once the kids were grown and off living their own lives (which for one of my kids is happening right now – the other still has a good 9 years to go).

It truly was the trip of a lifetime -for all of us in different ways. I think in some ways – that trip pushed me to learn new things about myself, and what I’m capable of as a single woman, as a mom, and as a friend.

There’s more to say there – but I promise they will become blog posts all on their own.

So far, this year, I’ve worn bikinis, I’ve climbed mountains, I’ve rescued a group of tourists and taught another group how to kayak. I saved a woman from drowning and held her in my arms as she had a seizure. I danced in the rain, and sang to the sea. I made friends at every turn and opened my heart to new experiences, new perspectives and new adventures at EVERY SINGLE TURN.

While in St Croix, I made a new friend had to go visit her in Dallas when I returned from my crazy road trip adventure.

Dallas was another level – and just added to the learnings I had while traveling. This time, I went as just me, no pets or kids. We went shopping and I danced around the store when I learned I was down 5 sizes from what I thought I was.

Everywhere I go – I’m learning that my energy is magnetic. It pulls people to it. 🙂 And it’s incredible.

When I returned home, I realized that purchasing property far away just didn’t make sense. So I decided to invest in myself instead. I’ve leased a commercial building and spent a couple of months turning it into a studio space. And now- here I sit in a space that feels INCREDIBLE. We will be doing a photoshoot so that I can properly show it off to the world – but i’m working on my books (yes – plural! 2 comic books!!)

Life is fricken fantastic. It’s been a LONG time since i’ve been able to say that. I’m living my BEST life and feel DAMN proud of every single second. I’m doing well still with my weight loss – but more than that – I know my worth. I see myself as a beautiful woman with a lot to offer the world. I no longer need to question whether or not I’m worthy. I KNOW it.

And it’s fucking amazing. 🙂

So, to those of you who still read this blog – please know that i’m going to be updating a hell of a lot more often. I’m going to show you the studio and share some travel stories and even share my comics because I’m fiercely proud of them and they’re BADASS! 😀 hehe.

Much love, dear readers. I hope you’re still holding on and that the pandemic and quarantine haven’t completely broken your spirit. If you’re close – and barely holding on – just know – I’m here for you. You aren’t alone. And if I can do it – we can do it with you together too. 🙂

2021 is off to an interesting start

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I don’t want to jinx it. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush… but so far – 2021 is off to an interesting start. I find myself in a unique position to take a little break from the stresses of my career and give myself a reset. A reset from all that happened in 2020. I don’t want to get into any of the real nitty gritty details right now – but a few highlights include

  • Losing the woman who helped raise me to Covid
  • Divorce
  • My kid “came out” – lots of whirlwind rollercoaster emotions with that one, but the end result has been quite positive.
  • Work stresses from 4 manager changes – and then over the New Years break deciding it was time to move on from that company.

And so much more…. I’ve decided to really look at what I’ve been prioritizing in my life. To really focus on my health and wellbeing – both physical and emotional and mentally. It’s a little bit scary – but it feels right. And I’m doing it holistically – across many avenues and many paths.

I’ve started drawing again…even drawing about the moments from this blog. It’s a comic book or web comic – of this blog…of my life. A modern day ”Cathy” or A modern day ”Calvin and Hobbes” – but about a mom instead of a boy. A grown up female mom with an imagination that rivals the boy. I don’t know if it will amount to anything -but I’m absolutely beyond driven to make it a real thing. It feels so good to draw the moments that helped shape who I am. Poignant Vulnerable Moments. Some of them are even quite funny! It’s been a very positive and very empowering project to get started on – and the more I work on it – the more I see it taking real shape. I can also see where I’ve been influenced as far as other artists in my life. 🙂

I’ve been slowly sharing pages and work in progress on a new instagram account. If any of you are interested – I’d love a like or two on the ones that make you smile or make you think. In truth – I’m still learning – my grandfather was the artist – not me. But it brings me such joy.

http://www.instagram.com/snowfallstudiosart

I think right now, I have 6 followers – and a few came from my kid. 🙂 I don’t mind. In theory – people will slowly find my work and if they like it – they’ll follow me as I go. Even if no one ever finds them… it feels good to put visuals to the story I’m telling about my life.

I just did this piece … it doesn’t fit with the blog – but it’s a bit more relevant for the world we’re in right now. It’s showing what it would be like to go on a vacation in a world where we not only wear masks – but we also have our own personal plastic bubble (PPB). It was fun to draw out to be honest. And I’m not sure my line art does it justice – at some point – I’ll put color to it – but I kind of like what it is right now – as it is.

I’ve also highly enjoyed drawing the kids and my pups – showing those little moments that bring such joy in my life. Even my son has enjoyed helping me plan out different panels and tell a story. How could I NOT want to spend my time doing THAT? 🙂

Well – I better get back to my day – but I wanted to check in. All the love to you in neverland. We’ll catch up again real soon. If you feel up to it – leave me a note in the comment section – how’s your 2021 going so far?

Sometimes, you put your foot in your mouth

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I have too many words. All jumbled around in my head. I hear the advice from my mother ringing in my head… “Jenny! Keep your big mouth shut!” I can’t even tell you how often I heard that phrase growing up. I had a big mouth. I’d sit and talk about anything with anyone. I’d share my opinions, I’d ask all the questions. I was a talker. I’ve learned to keep things to myself over the years… I’ve also begun to struggle with suddenly being too quiet. And what a strange pendulum swing to find myself on. In the past couple of years, I’ve really been working on finding the right balance between the two. And although I, for the most part, do a fine enough job of it – there are also times when it feels like I fall flat on my face.

I had a moment like that yesterday. I knew I needed to say something… but I also knew it would be wise to be very careful with my words. As it was highly likely that I wouldn’t be able to clearly paint what I was trying to say with them. And if I somehow screwed up and my intentions were misunderstood, I’d be hurt and worried and unsure of the end consequences. I even tried to talk myself out of speaking up. “Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I’m being unreasonable? Maybe my thoughts aren’t quite complete enough to share yet! Maybe if I speak up – I’ll lose? Maybe if I share – I’ll have to face judgement or fear?” Again – my mom’s advice rang in my head.

And then the moment came… My words came vomiting out of my mouth before I could even stop them… despite all my practicing and planning and lecturing of myself prior. Even in the moment – I was yelling at myself in my head. “OMG Jen… What are you DOING?! You’re totally not making sense!! You’re confusing the situation and making it muddy! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP JEN!”

…. But I persisted. Man, i’m an idiot sometimes. I got so worked up that my tears began to flow. And the words became more jumbled in my head. The logical side in me suddenly could see that I was no longer clear. My comments and arguments were no longer quite aligning to what I’d set out to say. But I did have good intentions. I was trying to strike that balance. Trying to find the place where I could share what was hurting me. Where I could somehow share that perhaps a new boundary or at least the concept of one was starting to grow. I apologized. I’d completely flubbed up this beautiful day, this beautiful moment. But in no way could the genuineness behind my apology be articulated. “Bah! Why are you LIKE this JEN?! Why do you have to be so broken sometimes? Why can’t you hold your emotions in check long enough to speak when you’re feeling scared?!”

And all I can say is that afterwards… at the end of the day when I curled up in my bed, when I looked back at that moment to think about how it all went…the tears flowed freely and my whole body shook. I felt both pride that I did speak – and shame that I didn’t speak well. And the whole situation rocked me to my core – because I woke up with a wet pillow, swollen eyes and a raging headache. My tears had obviously continued into the night.

This morning – i’m trying to figure out why this shook me so much. I’ve certainly put my foot in my mouth many times in my life. Why did this one moment leave me feeling so tangled up … and I think it comes back to vulnerability.

If I look back at my past – I have always hated sitting for long in uncomfortable moments. Sitting in that level of discomfort is so bothersome to me that I will try and “fix” it. I will try and do whatever I can to bring about some sense of relief… some clarity… a rule.. an expectation. I think in those moments, when I’m the MOST scared – I’m looking for a box to put myself in. And sometimes, I might look to someone else to define the box for me. Maybe because I’m struggling to do it myself.

I believe in embracing vulnerability and know that there is strength in embracing those moments in our lives. Often it’s in those vulnerable moments that we learn and grow the most. But I also know that it’s been in my vulnerable moments that I have been hurt the most. And that often it’s been the people that I truly love and seek love from that, intentionally or not, have hurt me the most when I’ve been the most vulnerable. You’d think I’d give up sharing and being brave at all. I suppose that’s why I push myself to speak up and to keep being brave. I don’t want to stop in my path of growth and learning and self discovery.

And that is why – I will keep going. Even tho I’m now scared of the consequences of my speaking up. Even tho I still don’t have a box to put myself in. I’m determined to learn to sit in the moment. It’s a lesson that is long overdue for me. And I’ll have to learn to be ok with occasionally putting my foot in my mouth.

A strange energy

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There is a strange energy in the air today. Actually – for me, it started last night, but it is still hanging there. At first, I thought it was just me. I thought maybe I was being overly sensitive or touchy. But after today, I’m thinking it’s not just me.

Part of my job is to study human behavior. To understand reactions & behaviors at a deeper level and be able to clue in to what someone is really feeling or saying and what is driving them to do it. There’s a science to it – and there’s an art to it and it’s something I am constantly honing and working to improve and adjust. Because of this – I can be very sensitive to the emotions and behaviors in the people around me. I can’t tell you how often I’ve read an emotion on someone and wanted to just run up and give them a hug. I have done it actually – to complete strangers. What I saw on their face made it THAT dire.

Today – there is an antsy energy that I keep coming across. It’s impatient and edgy, bordering on annoyed. I’ve stumbled upon a few folks today who are struggling with it and no amount of me trying to comfort or soothe seems to be doing any good – so I’m just going to hang back and let everyone just do what they’re going to do. My hope is my own tribe of friends and family know that if they need comfort or soothing from me – they can always count on me, and that’s enough. 🙂

I was struggling with a moment last night. I had a silly dialog in my head that ultimately I had to just shut off and delete the script. I felt misunderstood and suddenly wondered if I’d ever truly be understood by another. But ultimately – thinking that way is silly and destructive. How can anyone ever truly understand another? All we have is our own life perspectives that color our lenses. We will never be able to pick ourselves up and place our feet in someone else’s shoes. At least not entirely. I suppose it once again filters back to the expectations we have in ourselves and those we love around us. We think that because someone is in our tribe or inner circle – that they’ll just somehow know or understand all that we’re thinking or feeling. Like magic. It reminds me of the work I have ahead of me – to keep deleting those old destructive scripts that do not serve me. To keep learning to strengthen my abilities to communicate and to stop leaning on old expectations that just don’t hold up.

So much work to do …. but truly, I’m enjoying this path towards … it’s cheesy to say enlightenment or well-being – but that’s sort of what i’m doing. It’s my path towards the best version of me. All of me.

Gratitude

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It’s almost 2:30 am. I’m still wide awake – and, if I’m honest, still a little tipsy from a night of fun with my brother and my best friend. It was a … unique.. kind of night. It started with an amazing dinner and advice of quite serious nature, with a stop over at a bar with laughter and ended on my front porch in a very different kind of discussion, one that I hadn’t anticipated entirely, but wondered if it would come. All in all – I’d sum it up as truly an amazing night. One where I learned and grew exponentially from where I started this morning.

I haven’t been honest with my brother, at least not entirely, in 3 years. For many reasons – that were all perfectly justified. It wasn’t that I was lying – I just stopped allowing him into my inner circle of trust, and we hadn’t really talked about it, even though we both knew it had happened and when. Tonight – the gates came open. And it wasn’t bad. I was honest and let him into my inner circle again. It was scary and left me feeling incredibly vulnerable – and the timing of it all was definitely not the best. But the judgement and dismissal I thought I’d face didn’t come. Instead I was met with complete support and love and care – mixed with some sage brotherly advice to move cautiously and take my time and heal. It was not what I expected – but definitely what I needed to hear. After that, we talked about all sorts of stuff we hadn’t talked about in years and some new topics we’d never discussed previously. I suddenly feel grateful to have such amazing support in my life. We may not always agree on everything -actually – we don’t agree on many things quite often, but he supports me completely and trusts in my judgements and decisions and has my back in it… and I cannot fully describe how much I appreciate him for it.

With age comes wisdom. This phrase has been in my head tonight. I don’t think I’m wise. I don’t think my brother is wise – well – ok maybe sometimes. But I DO think that I’m getting smarter as I get older. I’m starting to really understand what I want and need to prioritize in my life. I want to really focus on finding my own happiness and my own well being. I want to become a better person (not that I’m a bad one – just that I want to keep improving that and adding to that). I want to keep learning and growing and improving who I am and what I bring to the lives of others around me.

I’m so grateful tonight. For my brother and for my best friend. Such amazing men who’ve come to teach me so much. They push me to better myself – but not for them – for ME. They love me whether I grow or not. And that truly means so much. I didn’t get the greatest examples of love growing up – and I’m coming to realize I haven’t seen it much as an adult either – but there ARE a few in my life who show it to me when I really need it. I think BECAUSE I haven’t always had the greatest examples – it means they mean just that much more to me. They help me look at the world from different perspectives and remind me to push myself to be the best version of myself. They remind me of what I’m capable of and never let me forget my own worth. I love them both more than they’ll ever really know.

I’m seriously dedicated to giving myself a year to find better balance in my life and to get a clear head and focus on my goals. I’m excited about it. It’s going to be a lot of work – but it’s also going to be a lot of fun – and for the first time .. in I don’t even know how long – I feel good. I feel hope. I feel .. patient. Anyone who knows me – would laugh their ass off at that statement. I am NOT known for my patience. But that’s how I feel right now. I’m not in any rush – for anything. I’m just enjoying each and every single moment – in the moment. Life is happening – and it’s going to do what it’s going to do and I’m not going to stress about it. Instead – I’m going to work on me – bettering myself, learning, practicing, and keeping on keeping on.