Well, I’m getting a few days off.  It was unplanned, and totally unexpected and frankly, I’d rather be at work.  My skin disorder decided to rear it’s ugly head in a mean way.  It started to get pretty bad yesterday.  So bad, in fact, that I was struggling to keep my discomfort hidden from others notice.  When I woke up this morning, I knew I was in trouble.  It hurt to move, it hurt to stand, it hurt to sit.  The bro drove me down to the doctors office.  They’d need to make an incision, relieve some pressure. The doc tried three times to get everything numbed up so he could do his work.  It wasn’t working.  They left me in the room for a few minutes alone and came back, shut all the doors, asked me if I’d like something to bite down on.  Told me it was ok to be as loud as I needed to, to swear all I wanted.  I remember saying something stupid like “Oh it’ll be ok, I have a high tolerance for pain.”  The doctor made a liar out of me today.  When it was finished, he gave me a referral to see a surgeon.  I have to go back in 2 days for them to remove gauze and stiches and such.  He wants me to consider a skin graft.  The doctor and the nurses all gave me hugs, told me how brave I’d been, told me how I was likely going to crash today and stressed that I need to watch myself.

Sigh.  The success rate of skin grafts on this skin condition is only 60% – and it if it is successful – it’s only successful in not returning to that particular area.  Doesn’t mean it won’t come back in other places.  9 years.  I’ve been working with this condition for 9 years now.  I know so much, and yet, still know so very little.  It’s embarrassing.  I get that life happens.  I get that human bodies are weird – and sometimes gross – and we all have things that impact us that we’d rather not have.  I also understand how lucky I am, that for me, this disorder is mostly hide-able and that not everyone is so lucky. But dang.  I went into a nice stage of remission for a couple of years, so I’m frustrated to be once again having to discuss skin grafts.  I don’t want it.  I don’t want to go through a painful surgery and painful recovery for something that isn’t guaranteed to work. It would feel like a waste.

I got home and had to scramble to re-adjust my next couple of days.  Took me a few hours to get everyone at work handled and settled into place, and then crashed for a few hours.  I feel like I could crash again pretty easily, but I know if I do that, I won’t sleep tonight.  I get to go take my little one to his dad’s for the night, then I’ll have the evening for some quiet time.  🙂 Although the bro is having his girlfriend come and stay the night tonight, so it’ll be even more quiet than usual.  They are such a funny couple.  Watching them helps me recognize what I don’t want in my own relationships.  Drama.  Anxiety.  Jealousy.  Immaturity.  Lack of trust.  Odd expectations.  No thanks.  I’ll let the bro have the grass on that side of the fence.  I’d rather eat my own shoe than deal with all of that.  They remind me sometimes of squabbling children. 🙂

The planning for my vacation is coming along nicely.  Picked a date.  Going to leave on Thanksgiving.  And can I just say… this is the first time in 5 years that I’m LOOKING FORWARD to thanksgiving.  Holy crap!  How cool is THAT!?!?  5 years of dreading a particular time of year and now, I’m actually anxiously anticipating it’s arrival like a kid does with Christmas.

Picked an island (St. Thomas), found a place to stay – just need to put the deposit down, been researching activities and rental cars and flights.  The more I plan, the more excited I get.  I love traveling.  Not a huge fan of airports and flying – the hustle and bustle, the anxiety of getting through gates and security, being crammed into a sardine can for hours at a time with little space to move about… BUT…. it’s worth it when you land.  When you get your bags and start to explore the area you get to call home for a short time.  There are a few things I am insisting on being able to do on this vacation that I didn’t get to do on my last tropical vacation.  In fact, if I somehow fail to accomplish these goals, I’ll kick my own ass.  😀

1.  Sit on a beach and enjoy, with no clocks, no watches, no time constraints.  Go swimming in the surf.  Drink a beverage.  Soak up a little sunshine.

2.  Go snorkeling.

Other traditions I will keep:

1.  Take pictures of everything I want to capture in the memory banks.

2.  Eat locally – no chains.  I love doing this.  This enables you to experience the culture you’re visiting in new ways.  Granted – this behavior isn’t so different from how I am at home too.  I don’t eat at a lot of chains.  Mom and pop kind of places are the way to go.

3.  Buy myself a souvenir.  Funny – often I’d focus on bringing home items for friends and family and would then forget to find something for me.  My trip last year to Hawaii, I bought myself a few souvenirs and am grateful I did.  I will do the same this time.

Well folks – I need to go take my little one.  Much love!  Talk to you later.