There’s a lot on my mind tonight

So I will apologize right now if I am a little all over the place.  It’s been a lovely weekend overall.  One full of friends and lively conversation, good food and even dancing! 🙂

One of my best female friends, J, planned a party.  A formal black and red party at a local beerhall.  The rules – must wear formal attire – in black or red, and no drama or attitudes from anyone in attendance.  🙂  So I dragged my other girl (R) out.  It was nice to get all gussied up and go out.  It’s something I don’t do very often, although I have a feeling that will change now that J has successfully managed to get me to attend.  🙂 Here’s pics of R and J and myself that night.  🙂  R and I had a blast, 2 single ladies without a care in the world.  We ate oysters and mussels and just enjoyed being out.

It was good for me to attend.  I’m still coming back out of my shell.  And truthfully, this time of year, I don’t usually come out of my shell much at all.  But Saturday was fun and gave me a much needed boost of energy, I danced and sang and made some new friends and caught up with some old friends.  Tonight, I spent the evening with my daughter cooking good food and watching a movie she picked out before my son came home from his dads house.

Ben has been on my brain this week.  Actually – there’s a lot that’s been on my brain this week.  Things that have been rattling around in there range from Ben and his birthday anniversary that is coming up, to love and relationships, friendships, and just life in general.  Had someone told me 10 years ago, that this is where I’d be… I would have never believed it.  Any change or turn along my path, and things would be different.  I wouldn’t trade it, I know that things happen for a reason.  I’m ok with it… well – ok that’s not quite the right way to word it either – I accept it.  That’s enough.  Every year – around this time, I make a pact to myself – that I will not make any major decisions (if I can help it), in the months of Oct – Dec.  Grief is a funny thing – and I’ve learned my lesson in this respect.  In most cases – I can hold off until the new year on most things.  Patience is something I’ve learned to channel at this time of year.  I  miss my son.  Weird to miss some one that you only had for a short while.  And even tho it’s certainly been long enough – I still think on him and wonder.

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I gave R some advice this weekend.  She was wrestling with her feelings about a man.  She knew she was falling in love, but didn’t want to be the first person to say it.  She’s loved him for a very long time.  I told her something my Nana told me when I was young.  If you feel love – you should speak it.  It cannot be held for very long on the tongue.  And if you express it… you have a better chance of working past that strange anxious feeling that you get before you’ve said it to someone for the first time- because if it is returned, then something new can grow and blossom.  And if the love is not returned, then now you know and can move forward and move on.    It’s funny – as a teenager or even in my twenties… I didn’t put much stock in Nana’s advice… but looking back now – I couldn’t agree with her more.   I’ve always said I don’t say I love you to hear it back… I say it to make sure they know.  That’s enough.

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I’m going to start planning my next vacation.  I will probably go in April 2017 time frame.  I’d like to disappear for a week.  I haven’t decided yet where I want to go.  I have an idea of who all I’d like to invite to join me, but we’ll see if they have the desire to vacation with me.  🙂  I want to explore and get away.  Travel has most certainly had an enormous impact in my life, and I look forward to being able to continue to experience it.  I think my next trip will likely be a cruise, as it’s something I have not done yet.  My instinct says I won’t like it as much as I enjoy traveling as a local – but I want to experience it regardless.  It’s something Nana and Granddad would do when I was younger.  I remember them telling me stories and showing me pictures from all their many excursions.  Or try on the jewelry that was often purchased on these trips.  I’d picture the ports and destinations, the food and the events that were often a part of their stories.  My grandparents truly led amazing lives.  🙂

Can’t travel without a job.  I’m trying to not count my chickens – but I am hoping to hear good news on the job front this week.  Fingers crossed that I’ll have news either way by Wednesday!  🙂

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At the end of the day – I got some news from my mom, that my grandparents aren’t doing very well health-wise.  It has me a bit worried and anxious.  I know as they continue to get older and older that at some point, I will have to say my good byes to them.  But they are mine damn it!  Haha.  But in all seriousness, I’m not ready to even think about losing them.  It makes me sad to think about. Hopefully, things will be just fine and I’ll be allowed to put my head back in the sand on this particular subject.  At least for now.

Well – it’s time to get some sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you!!

Goodbye friendship

It’s sad when a friendship ends.  In some respects, we’ve all lost many friends over the course of our lives, some had bigger impact than others though.  I have a few friendships that have stuck for what seems like forever and cherish them even more because of it.  One friendship I have had for 15 years.  It’s my longest friendship.  It was, I should say.  Once a month I’ve been sending a text and shooting an email… a smile or a hope you and yours are well kind of thing.  Very light.  It’s been 8 months since we last spoke.  And it turns out, the end of the friendship isn’t over what I thought it was.  It was because I said something that was taken in a mean light.  I had said I deserved better… and trailed off.  He took this in the worst way possible – in a way I certainly would NEVER mean.  What I meant was I deserve better – in that I don’t deserve to have a ton of additional drama thrown in my lap.  No.. dang … Even that’s not right.  What I should have said… was how scared I was.  How I had every single person piling every single stress and problem on me all at once.  How I couldn’t take anything more.  That the straw the camel was already carrying was threatening to break it’s back, and taking on anything additional would be suicide.  And that I had already handled soo much… I felt I deserved better than to constantly deal with all the stress of everyone’s problems.  I didn’t say it that way then.  I fumbled over my words.  I assumed he understood – he usually did.  I said it the right way tonight.  I said a lot tonight.  I apologized and explained what I meant.  I said how my feelings and goals and direction hasn’t changed, that I’m finding happiness, that I’ve learned a lot about communication since then, that I’ve grown and matured from the lessons I learned from him, but that I miss his friendship.  I miss having that person to talk to who’d never judge or think poorly of you.  Who learned how you think and act, and understood.  Now, had he returned any of my communication, I could have said all of this a lot sooner… but it doesn’t matter now.  He is walking away from a 15 year friendship.  He is Broken.  I could almost feel the cold in his voice.  And I feel, truly, awful about it.  I tried to remind him that it’s when your world is in the darkest depths that you have to try and make your own light.  Believe you’ll find your way through.  Life can be cruel with it’s timing.  His life has been a whirl wind of tests thrown at him, so I can’t blame him for it entirely.

But….

I’m not upset.  I’ve known for 6 months that our friendship was over – I’ve mourned it for a while. In fact, I’m shocked to find out it was my big mouth fumbling that was the nail in the coffin.  I mean – this is me!  Sometimes, I fumble… those closest to me, know it’s never with ill intent.  And here’s the strange thing… i’m also kind of annoyed.  He pointed out that he knew me better than anyone… well if that’s true – then wouldn’t you have thought – gee, Jen’s never cruel, she’s not going to say I’m worthless..she must mean something else… hence she’s calling me and trying to explain.  We’ve never had this kind of thing happen before…. but nooooo.  His solution is to walk away and pretend that the friendship just wasn’t there.  That hurts.  UGH.  Communication will be the death of me I swear.  LOL.