Tag: daughter

Beginning to bloom

JenLeave a comment

It was a lovely weekend, much of it spent in my yard.  My best friend, J came over and she and my daughter and I tackled the task of filling my front beds, as well as rescuing and potting some tomato plants from another friend’s yard.  My daughter decided she wanted to choose a garden bed and make it her own and it was lovely to see her thoroughly enjoying herself as she worked in the dirt with us.  This evening we walked the beds and just admired all our hard work, the tomatoes that were almost dead are now standing proud and now even have little yellow blossoms blooming.  We planted lavender, and gardenia, and daisies (one of my favorites).  We went a little crazy – but the front beds were completely bare – so it felt good to jazz them up.

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J was such a joy to hang out with this weekend.  She and I have a ball hanging out together, as we’re quite alike in many ways.  I find that anytime spent with her is usually spent laughing and just generally having a fun, good time.

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I am taking a trip up to Canada in a couple weeks and told her I wanted to pick up a few things before I go, so after spending some time in the garden, we went shopping.  While we were out, she found a dress that was within the restrictions I had placed on me.  I’m the “Best Man” for my brother’s wedding in September, and the bride has very specific tastes and requirements, it’s made finding a dress that I am also comfortable with VERY challenging.  When she held up this dress from the clearance rack – I was shocked and couldn’t contain my laughter, but then I looked at the size and thought “No way will it fit me.” She pushed me to try it on anyway.   And I hated it.  But guess what?!  It was TOO BIG!  J could grab 2 fistfuls of fabric in the back.  HOLY CRAP!

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It had me thinking… my brain has wired itself to believe it’s a certain size.  And now that I’m slowly dropping below that size, it’s strange and jarring to discover when I’m wrong.  It was a lovely feeling to be wrong.  That surprise however, did push me to go peek at other dresses and, shock of a lifetime, I purchased two on sale. (Side note:  I’m NOT a female who enjoys shopping.  Never have.  Unless we’re shopping at a nursery, a farmers market, a hardware or home shop or an art supply shop – then it’s game on!  But even then, I’m one of those people who is quickly in and then out.  I don’t have to go down every aisle and I like to just get it done.)

I didn’t get the rest I was hoping to get this weekend, but I’m happy that it turned out the way it did.  I got my new desk sorta put together.  The top needs to be secured on – but even as it sits right now – it’s not going anywhere.  We got a lot of the office set up, and I have a handy man coming on Wednesday to finish putting up some of the shelves I so desperately want for storage.  I’m tired of my stuff being in boxes.  Once the office is set up, I’ve made the decision to turn the spare room into a photography “studio” for J to use on a regular basis for Boudoir or anything else that seems appropriate.  I’ll set it up somewhat like a hotel room (which will be great for guests who stay over), and maybe one other scene/set up.  It will be a lot cheaper for J than renting hotel rooms for these events, and eventually, we could even find ways to swap out with additional furniture or backdrops and maybe even build some light boxes into the room.  It will be a fun side project.

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Oy!  I have a lot of side projects going on right now.  Between work, the garden, various projects around the house (plus we’re still unpacking), the various events and things my kids get into, and other activities planned out for the summer, it’s been quite a whirlwind.  And to top it off – I bought a kayak tonight.  🙂  I love going out, it’s just a simple one for lakes and rivers (for now), but I’ll take it.  🙂  It’s great exercise and I love getting out on the water.  Now I just need to go buy a new life jacket.

I am VERY excited for my little getaway in two weeks.  I really need a chance to take a breath.  To relax and just take a day or two where I don’t have to think about work, or my daughter.  I’ve arranged for everyone to be looked after, and I will hop on a plane on Friday and perhaps get a chance to explore a new city, meet someone new, eat some good food, check out a farmer’s market and just slow it down for a weekend.  I’ve booked what looks to be a nice room in a larger hotel, they even have a hot tub and a masseuse (YES PLEASE?!).  I’ll fly back home Sunday evening.  I’m a little nervous, as I’ve never been a huge fan of airports or flying, but I think it’ll be more than worth it in more ways than one.

I am incredibly hopeful for what lies ahead in my life.  There has been so much goodness popping up and blooming from so many sides.  Yes, there’s been stress… my daughter was sent home from school on friday again, she cannot return until Wednesday.  I can’t wait for summer to get here.  And I’m dreading it all at the same time.  We’re making progress with her – every single day there is progress.  It’s unfortunate that it’s not enough to help her be at 100% yet, especially when handling stress at school.  She has good days, and bad ones.  But me being home, working from home, getting involved in these hobbies together, other people are noticing small changes in her, positive ones.

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Tomorrow, I start on a new treatment for one of my health problems.  I’m excited to get started, and see if there’s a change or a difference made.  If it works, it could alleviate a few very frustrating problems that I have faced on and off consistently for many years.  Fingers are crossed in the hopes for success! 🙂

I’ve had a song stuck in my head for weeks.  It just won’t go away.  I adore the lyrics and keep repeating them over and over in my head.  I often have this problem with songs, but this one in particular just doesn’t want to leave my brain.  Thought I’d share it with you all in case you wanted to look it up and hear it.  🙂

It’s called “Certain things” by James Arthur

Something about you
It’s like an addiction
Hit me with your best shot, honey
I’ve got no reason to doubt you
‘Cause certain things hurt
And you’re my only virtue
And I’m virtually yours

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

[Verse:]
There’s something about you
It’s when you get angry
You have me as your mercy
And you’re like the shoulder to turn to
‘Cause certain things mend us when we’re hanging on for dear life
We held on so tight

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus x2:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

I adore you… I adore you…
Certain that I’m yours

Well – it’s been a long day, I wanted to at least write an update to cover my weekend, but now I should probably get ready for bed and try and get some sleep.  And, to those of you still up – goodnight Neverland.  🙂  Talk again soon.

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Parenting is tough business

Jen1 Comment

It’s friday and I am beyond grateful. Truthfully tho, even the coming weekend has me stressed.  Yesterday, I got into a huge argument with my daughter.  It started out ok, we were working through everything and I was holding my patience fairly well.  But after dealing with a stubborn tween for a few hours… I lost it.  I yelled.  I cried.  I’m not proud of myself.  Yes, everything I said needed to be said, but I hate that my own child could push me to a point where I was THAT upset.

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I think what I hate about fighting with my own child is that in the end… both of us are hurting.  I know she’s shaken off yesterday, she’s been bouncing around this morning, her usual chipper self.  She even made me coffee while I started my workday. And I know that I need to do the same thing… but I’m struggling with it.  After we got home yesterday, after the huge blow out, I sat outside thinking about how maybe I’m not qualified to do this.  That maybe my own mental health is too shaky to try and handle guiding a pre-teen who’s having some very serious mental health issues herself?  I don’t know… I know I do a good job.  I know that my kids know that they are loved and that their mom is their biggest advocate for their happiness and overall success… BUT… I also know that I’m the queen at putting on a mask and sticking my head in the sand.  I’ve never had a healthy relationship.  The coping skills that I have and use on a regular basis aren’t working for my teenage girl… maybe that means they aren’t the best.

I’ve also been thinking about the fact that I will no longer get breaks.  Before all of this happened, I’d get 3 weekends a month to myself, where I could plan outtings with friends, dates, and take care of projects that work more smoothly when little one aren’t around.  Now, those plans and schedules are all changed.  I’m now 100% mom – all the time.  And I don’t mind… but there is a part of me that is sad to lose those breaks and the “me” time.  And while I realize that having time for me is important, and that ultimately, I should probably find a way to still get at least a couple hours a week to myself… for my own health and well-being… I’m just not sure how to go about it.  It feels selfish.

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I think something that really hit home yesterday for me, was that this wasn’t the dream.

Don’t misunderstand… I’m over the ex.  Completely.  But I think I’m still mourning the dream of what was to be.   If that makes any sense.  When we got married, I had visions of our family.  I dreamed of the children we’d have, the life we’d create.  Of course, NONE of those dreams could be a reality while he was lost in his own world of alcohol addiction… but I can say, I never dreamed of raising my children essentially by myself.

On Tuesday, we all went to an award ceremony for an art competition my daughter had entered at school.  It was across many schools in the district.  She won 2nd place.  I’d called the grandparents and the ex a week ago to let them know when the ceremony would be and how much it would mean to my daughter if they came out and showed their support.  I was surprised when grandma and grandpa showed up .. as it’s a long drive for them, in some of the worst rush hour traffic.  But the ex… he didn’t show.  He called me the next morning apologizing and saying how he felt like garbage that he completely forgot about it.  I told him not to fret.. it is what it is… but after I hung up, I couldn’t help but feel very sad about it all.  My daughter needs her village right now… she needs the strong loving support of family and friends to show her that she’s not alone.  That we are all here for her, and rooting for her, and that she has absolutely no reason to harm herself or feel lost.  But I think what’s hit me pretty hard in the last couple of days… maybe it’s not just my daughter who needs that.  Maybe I do too.

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Between bills, work, my daughter’s safety and happiness, the house… I’ve got a lot of pressure to measure up on my shoulders.  And damn it but I’m going to figure out the right way to take care of my responsibilities and do what I need to do to make it in this big bad world… but sometimes, I close my eyes and feel disappointed and heart broken that it all ended up this way.  And I’m not entirely sure how to go about it all without falling down myself.  I guess… if I trip… I just have to get back up.  Keep plugging along.  I’ll get there.

Off to get on with my day – much love to you Neverland.  Smile today.

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Sometimes, you have to circle the wagons

Jen5 Comments

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My apologies on not posting anything in a bit, but I’ve been busy circling my wagons.  My main focus has been my daughter and son, work, and the house.  I haven’t been a very good friend to a few folks in the last couple of weeks, and although I feel guilty over it, I know that I’m doing the right thing.  I’m not planning any outings, no dates or events with friends.

My daughter came home from the hospital on Friday.  It was a lovely weekend with just her and me.  A lot of talking and sharing, crying and laughing.  We spent most of the weekend working on the house and doing artwork together.  We’re going to focus on our hobbies a bit.  The garden, and artwork will keep us occupied when we have some spare time.  Because I’ve had to take some major time off to take care of her, Work has gotten a bit behind.  I’ve got to really keep my head down and focus on getting caught up.

So to my friends and family… I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit distant.  I’m simply trying to keep my head above water – please have patience with me.

Much love to you Neverland.  Happy Monday.

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Just keep swimming…

JenLeave a comment

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It’s been a good day.  My work day is almost over.  The work week is almost over.  I have some new plans for the weekend that have me looking forward to it getting here.  My step son isn’t going to be coming over this weekend.  Instead, it will be me, my daughter and my son, heading to my dads.  I think all 3 of us need a break from where we’re at.  My daughter especially, as she’s had a hard week.  I don’t know what to do to help her, other than what I’m doing.  I just hope it’s enough.

She’s been spiraling into what I’d call – a form of depression.  From the outside tho, she puts on a good show.  Her school counselor called me on monday to fill me in on a few things.  It led to her spending all day tuesday at home with me, and sleeping with me the last few nights, which I truly don’t mind.  That little girl means the world to me, and I’d give anything to help make her happy.  I know that moving, and finally settling in and putting down some roots will help her tremendously.

I’m hoping to hear from my lender tomorrow, to give me the new date the house will close.  We’ll get the keys on that day, and depending on what day it ends up being, I will do everything I possibly can to get us out and into our new place on or pretty damn close to that day.

At home, I’m beyond fed up.  I’m beyond worrying or caring that I’ll say something wrong.  I’m tired of walking on eggshells.  Even when I do everything right, It still gets assumed that I’m a horrible person.  And truthfully, I know damn well that I’m not.  I’m a good person.  I care a lot about people.   I give a lot to other people. And somehow, a couple of people, who used to be very close to me, have recently forgotten that.

I think I’ve hit a new place that I’m not entirely sure I’ve been before.  In my past, I’d be trying to salvage these friendships.  Trying to fix things to make things more cordial.  Lately, like Rhett Butler… I just don’t give a damn.

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At one point, one of the roomies pointed out what I could do to “fix” our friendship.  Stating that if I did X, Y and Z, that maybe we could still be friends.  If they were simple little things, it would be no big deal, but basically, she asked me to change who I am at my core.  Sorry.  I refuse to do that.  Love me for who I am.. or don’t love me at all.  What I didn’t point out was that at this point, maybe I don’t even WANT to be friends.  Maybe I’m not the one who “lost out”… perhaps it’s actually her loss and not mine.  Perhaps I’ve seen enough of her true colors in the last few months, that I’ve had my fill.  Perhaps the second she asked me to change who I am… was the second that I realized I was done.

I’ve only got a couple of weeks left… I keep telling myself that over and over again.  I can do this.  I can keep coming home to this horrible awkward place full of frustration and silence, if it’s only for a couple of weeks.  I can endure this.  My children can endure this.  As much as I wish they didn’t have to.  And there is so much light at the end of this dank, dark tunnel that it’s overwhelming and inspiring and beautiful.  That’s enough.  Right? 🙂

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A whirlwind of a weekend

Jen2 Comments

This weekend has been an interesting one.  I could use a weekend after the way this one has gone.  So many ups and downs.  Honestly, lately I’ve felt caught up in a bit of a swirl.  I’m not quite sure which way is up and which way is down.  It’s uncomfortable.  I started writing a blog post on Friday, but due to some computer issues, that post was lost.  Interesting how that post was very much about me heading into a hurricane, where as this post will end up feeling as if I’m slowly coming out of it.  Still disoriented, and unsure of which way to go, but feeling a bit more steady on my feet all the same.

I went out for coffee on Friday morning with a friend.  He called me Mrs. Positive.  “Jen you’d climb up a mountain, get hit by a few boulders on the way up and say “yea but look at this bad ass bruise – it looks like Abe Lincoln!”.”

Yea – ok.  Fine.  I try and go through life wearing rose tinted glasses.  I realize that may seem a bit off.  But I don’t see the point in dwelling in the negative.  I suppose you wouldn’t know that if you read this blog – as I often write about the negatives.  But that is actually because I need somewhere to let some of that out.  I don’t like how negativity feels.  It spews out of your mind.. and sticks around.  It’s hard to break the habit of complaining or always pointing out the negative side of life.  I know a few of my friends and loved ones who struggle with this.  To outsiders, they’d be called “complainers”.  They aren’t.  They just don’t automatically try and find the positives.  I do.  Life has far too many negative stressors – why on earth would I want to dwell on them?!  I’d rather celebrate my small wins – wherever they are.

Tonight, as I logged into Facebook, I was greeted by this:

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6 years ago, I posted these.  He hasn’t been on my mind all weekend.  Other things have been taking up space lately.  Fights with my mother, stressful deadlines at work, drama within the love life, it’s just been a lot to take.  But thanks to Facebook – I am reminded of one more reason why I’m having a tough weekend.  And yet – somehow, seeing his face, seeing mine in this photo and the tentative hope that was on my very tired looking face.  Thanks Facebook.  Oddly, I’m comforted by this today.

I said some horrible things to my mom today.  In the moment, they were earned – even deserved.  But now, I feel bad.  The thing is, I love my mom.  I always have and I always will.  But… Sometimes, she says and does things that are really hurtful.  Sometimes, when she acts that way, I feel worthless or stupid.  As a kid, I can remember the occasions when we’d fight… I hate fighting with her.  We both have very sharp tongues.  I learned it from her.  I have never liked that side of myself.  Makes me wonder if she thinks about that side of herself in a similar light?  I think somehow, that would make me feel better.  She just doesn’t hear me.  She gets so focused on pushing her way that she steam rolls anyone in front of her.  Tunes them out and doesn’t even hear what they’re saying.  Then she’ll have herself so worked up that she won’t hear you until she’s calmed all the way back down again – and that can take some time and patience.  And usually – the person who’s on the other end of that angry woman to cave and compromise or give in.

Sometimes, I don’t want to give in.  Sometimes, I want to be heard.  She doesn’t have to agree with me – hell she can tell me to go fuck off for all I care, so long as she actually HEARS me.  That’s all I wanted today.  For her to hear what I was saying – because if she’d just shut up and listened to the words I’d said – I’d said that I would help her.  That I didn’t care about anything but doing what I could to help her reduce the load and remove the stress.  But she was on such a rant that she couldn’t hear that.  Sigh.  I lost my temper.  I yelled.  I’d asked my grandfather a question, and she yelled at me for daring to go over her head.  I told her that she was not the matriarch of this family, that we were equals and that I was perfectly in my rights to ask him any question I like.  I held my tongue here.  I told her that just because she is my mother does not give her the right to be disrespectful or to treat me that way.  That I may have taken it as a child, but that I didn’t have to take it as an adult.  I told her that if she continued to act like this, she’d end up a lonely old woman who no one would want to be around.  I told her to get counseling.

While I wouldn’t take back any of what I said – I stand my ground on all of it – I still feel guilt over it all.  I hate that.  I can remember as a kid, after these types of situations, I’d feel such tremendous guilt over the situation.  I’d go make her a sandwich or scrambled eggs.  I’d take out the garbage or do some other small chore to try and make up for it.  I wish I could learn a better way to come to a good place with someone after a conflict like that.

Life is short.  I know this better than most.  I know that I’ll keep trying with my mother.  I love her.  She loves me.  She and I have come along way over the years.  I’ve cooled down a lot over the years.  My Irish doesn’t show nearly as often as it used to.  Life has thrown me curves, and I’ve learned to duck and swerve.  I refuse to get caught in the trap of my own negativity.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work.  It’ll be another long, stressful, yet glorious week.  I look forward to all the crazy dramatic challenges that will be thrown my way.  And my personal life… I’ll figure it out.  I always do.  Put on a good song, light a few candles, write in my blog, and suddenly, I know that I’ll find my way.