Tag: daddy issues

When dealing with others who are toxic

JenLeave a comment

Do not expect to receive something from someone who doesn’t have what you want.

This quote has been running through my mind all day today. The things you have to tell yourself after dealing with a particularly toxic member of my family. I’m hoping that by writing about this, I can get to feeling better about things. But even I recognize that journaling can only do so much.

I’m faced with kicking my baby brother out of my house. I’m not looking forward to it, and honestly – it makes me feel like one big giant asshole. But I cannot do it anymore. At first, I thought that maybe staying here would be good for him, but the longer this goes on, the less respect I have for him. It’s time for him to go. He’s barely contributed towards anything, and comes home drunk or highly drugged at all hours of the night, often waking the household. He leaves food out, and has set off fire alarms, and last night – well – this morning actually… he came home with a completely totalled car. He’s already had a DUI and I’ve witnessed him coming home from driving completely plastered now a couple of times. What kind of example are my children getting from all of this? I told him he couldn’t stay. That I’ve had enough and that I was calling Dad. Dad needed to know that his youngest son was doing this, that the car he was still paying for was totalled. Yea – i know – I totally ratted out of my brother which in most cases, would not be cool. This feels a bit more life and death tho.

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I was scared to call my Dad. I knew the messenger would be shot at. I didn’t expect it to go the way it did. I didn’t expect to feel whooshed back to the days when I faced that same kind of verbal treatment daily. I didn’t expect to feel a moment of fight or flight… on the PHONE. I hung up. I walked for a few minutes. And then suddenly I had things I wanted to SAY! That’s not like me. My flight instinct is strong with my family – I clam up, go quiet and get the heck out of there. Today – I stood up for myself. Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t treat me like this. I have done nothing to earn this behavior being slung at me in it’s vileness. It felt good. It also backfired on me. Managed to get me in bigger trouble – but whatever. I don’t really care. You want to tell me now that i’m not your daughter? Cuz you’ve said it to me plenty of times in the past. I don’t care.

This is when the quote runs through my head the most. My father is simply not capable of giving me the kind of father/daughter relationship that I need.. why? Because he does not possess the skills to do so. Never has. Most likely – never will. So why do I continue to hope beyond hope that someday something will blossom and we’ll have a closer bond or kin-ship? That’s insanity on my part!

Dad asked me to take in my baby brother, and I did. And I can honestly say, I’ve given him just over a month here, I’ve really TRIED. But I can’t work with someone who doesn’t see that what they’re doing is self-destructive. I can’t help someone who has no desire to help themselves. And now – all it’s doing is dragging down my family’s ability to live successfully.

I’ve always done the right thing. I’ve always been the good daughter. I’ve always strived to do what was asked of me, what was expected of me. But now – I want to show my children that they don’t have to have toxic people in their lives. I want the people I surround myself with to be people who actually care about me. People who will put their all into building something healthy and amazing with me – because I’ll happily put in the effort to do the same with them.

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After all the drama – I took a moment to plant some flowers outside. It made me feel instantly better. I then spent the day with my kids. We played some Wii sports, and walked to the park. Enjoyed each other and did what we could to make each other laugh. I’m grateful for them. My children. I’m so lucky to have them in my life. I swear on the very last breath I take – that I will NEVER give to them, the kind of heartache and pain that my father has given me. I refuse. They deserve so much better than that.

Well, I better get some sleep. Goodnight Neverland. Happy Sunday to you!

lipstick kiss

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

JenLeave a comment

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My brother is staying with me for a month.  It’s fun to see him every day.  We didn’t grow up together, and only met when he was 10.  So we’re still getting to know one another.  He’s a punk, but I love him.  My kid brother.  But one of the challenging things I’m learning about having him here, is that it exposes me to some of my family that I’d rather not be exposed to.  Thru him, I get to see and experience what he goes through with my father.  Usually – it doesn’t get to me, but last night, he shared an experience he had this weekend and I just about lost my shit.  I’m still upset.  But I think what upsets me the most, is that, at least for the next month, it will be a “norm” in the house.  It bothers me.

My father is … well… abusive.  Physically sometimes, emotionally others.  And not all the time…. but still.  A spade is a spade.  It takes a lot to write that.  It took me a while to get my brother to even admit it out loud.  Now look – there’s something to be said for getting physical – sometimes a well timed shove can wake someone up – That is not the type of physical altercation that I am talking about here.  There is no excuse that I can logically come up with to make it ok.  I know that man loves his kids… in his own truly messed up way, but he is toxic.  It’s why I’ve put up walls and boundaries – to keep me and the kids safe and worry-free.

So here I sit.  Knowing that over the next month or so, I’ll likely be (at the very least) hearing more stories, learning more things, and overall, likely cementing why I made the choices I’ve made to step away from toxic people in my life.  I try and remember that there are two sides to every story… and somewhere in between lies the truth.  But so far, the stories I hear align with everything I know from my past… and I’m not convinced that leopards change their spots.  When someone shows you who you are, believe them.

It’s sadly, nice to know that I’m not the only one of us kids who struggled with Dad.  But at the same time, I wish with all my heart that I could take that away from him – let him be spared.  I’m protective.  I don’t want to see my family hurt.  I’d do just about anything to keep them all safe and loved.  Ugh.  It’s rough being a sister sometimes.  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Much love neverland.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Yes, I have daddy issues.

Jen3 Comments

dadissues

I had another counseling session today.  Today was interesting.  She chose what we’d be talking about.  Today’s topic:  My father.  I think my eyes got a bit wide when she said that was what we were going to focus on.  My history with my father is full of ups and downs.  It’s not something I like to talk about or get into.  It is what it is.

My counselor’s approach is an interesting one.  She works to help you map out patterns for behaviors.  To understand why we do and react the way we do.  After talking about my father and answering her questions and probes for 40 minutes – a few things bubbled up to the surface.  She helped point out patterns, behaviors I learned from a very, very early age that I still do now.  Ways to cope, ways to comfort, things that I’d do or say or feel, that I still do and say and feel today in different environments and circumstances. On one hand, it was fascinating and comforting to suddenly understand why I do those things… but on the other hand, it was frustrating because I don’t want to be that way, I want to break the pattern and change… but when you’re faced with the knowledge that those patterns were created when I was very young – it makes it very clear that it’s going to take a lot of time before I’ll be in that place.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all, but there were a few key topics, or nuggets of info that came out today that really shook me:

1.  My father has a personality disorder… maybe even a couple.

2.  I’ve been striving to “feel loved and accepted” by my father, my mother and my grandparents since I was just a young child.  And I can clearly identify WHY I didn’t feel loved or accepted by all of them in my past.  It is why I consistently don’t feel good enough, why I am always striving to be the peace keeper and fix things, and why I struggle daily to understand someone else’s ability to love to me.

3.  I was not looked at as a daughter or even a child by my father.  I was an object.  He’d say “I’m not your father, I’m your friend.”  He still says that stuff today.  This rejection that has continued since I was little, has led to me fearing abandonment and rejection in deep ways.

4.  Emotional/Sexual abuse.  We’ll likely spend more time on this in later sessions.

5.  Over the years, my feelings about my father have changed a lot.  I’ve come to accept him for who he is and what he is.  I don’t feel a sense of anger over his actions/behaviors anymore.  I used to.  I used to hope that he’d magically become the dad I always needed him to be… and what I’m learning is that he never will be.  He is not capable of that.

6.  My overwhelming need to ensure that people I love and care about know that I love and care about the, stems from my lack of feeling that myself as a child.  What I have to remember – I am not my father.  I am not my mother.  I am not anyone but me.  And who I am is shaped by what I’ve been through, yes, but I am in control.  I can let something affect me or choose not to.  What I cannot do tho, is to fix everything all the time.  Something I learned was to fix it when there was a fight or a problem.  Whether it was cleaning the house, making dinner for the person who I was fighting with, or showering them with gifts.  I STILL do these behaviors.  I don’t like feeling that angst and uncomfortable feeling you get when things aren’t ok with someone.  But it’s not my job to always be the one to cave, give in and fix it.  I learned this behavior from an early age, and repeated it with my mom and my father on so many occasions.

7.  I had a great childhood… I have a great family.  BUT… sloughing off what I went through.. pretending things weren’t messed up or pretending that all is ok is a response I learned from the “strong” people in my life.  It’s ok to admit that things that happened to me as a child, teen or adult shook me to my core and really impacted me.  It doesn’t mean I’m weak now.  It doesn’t mean I was weak then.  I’m not.  Now I get to work to understand it and move forward.

8.  Showing any kind of emotion other than love and happiness was not acceptable to my father.  It was mocked, it caused anger, and would often cause him to pack me up and take me back to  my mom’s, leaving me feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted and upset.  This is when the idea of not showing emotion and putting on a mask was ingrained in me.  Granddad didn’t like emotions either, so it was then reinforced.

When I left my counseling session today, I was shaking I was so upset.  And knowing I had to then go to work and put my game face on… made it difficult.  Hence I’m taking my lunch time to sit and write this out.  So glad it is Friday and that my day is kind of a light day today.  Note to self, perhaps we need to not have counselor appointments where I have to go back to work afterwards.  It is too hard.

Thanks for being there, Neverland.  Thanks for the extra strength today.

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