Update: It’s been a while

First off, I suppose I should apologize.  You see, I use writing as a release.  When I’m feeling down, or lost or anxious… writing helps me find a way to vocalize whatever it is that’s weighing me down.  And once I can do that, once I process it – I can let it go.  But in the past few months, I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, and haven’t really had the desire to do much writing about it.  So.. here it goes… a brief update on all the busy happenings that have been my life since I last wrote.


My side business is doing very well.  I imagine at some point towards the end of the year, that it will no longer be a side business… but something a bit more on the main business side of things.  It’s exciting and has been a lot of fun.  My best friend and my daughter are both heavily involved and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment to work on it with them.  Not to mention, I can pour my creativity into every new recipe or batch.  I won’t lie, a LOT of my time has been poured into my business… between making the products and making sure they have the proper cure times, researching recipes and new products to add to my lines, testing batches, labeling & packaging, shipping, marketing, attending pop ups or shows… it’s a LOT of work!

I had a bit of a health scare for a few months.  Ended with me having a procedure that, at least so far, has given me some answers.  I’m learning how to manage.  Some days, I have more energy than others, but I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit by and feel sorry for myself over it.  I’m unique. LOL.  That will have to do.


I’ve attended a few events, a fair, have visited a few farmer’s markets and even had the privilege of participating in an east indian wedding… such an incredible experience. And the photos.. let me tell you!  All the colors!!!  Such a treat.  It’s been a lovely summer so far, and it’s not quite over yet.

My daughter and I are planning a mural on the long fence that is on one side of our property.  We’ve got a few scenes we’ll work into it, and we’ve spent a decent amount of time planning it out and discussing each scene.  I’ll be buying the paint & supplies tomorrow and we’re both pretty excited to get it going… even if it will take a while to complete it.

Mid-way through August, I’ve rented a little cabin for a couple of days.  I’m hoping the new Kayaks that I’ve ordered will be here, but if not, I’ll use one of the old ones.  I’m really looking forward to it.  To get out, explore… whether it’s by car, foot or boat.  To have nothing pressing, no rush to do anything except what I want.  There’s even a hot tub… so if I want to relax and soak under the stars… I can.  🙂  Absolute bliss.  I’m craving a little quiet.  To slow down and just watch the world around me.  I’ll be sure to bring my camera.  I like to capture that which inspires me.


My day job has been going really well – we’ve been taking on a few projects that really have me excited.  I’m enthusiastic to see how they go… projects often morph and take on a new direction from how we first imagined them.  It’s a bit like watching your child grow up – and now you can’t really control what direction they take.

I’m still consistently losing 2-5 pounds each week.  I’m pleased by that.  I know I’ll plateau again… will just keep going.  The way I see it, it took me a while to put on the weight – going to take just as long to take it off.

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks actually – my roommate/nanny is going to be moving out at the end of August.  There’s been a little drama here and there in regards to that… so I’ll be happy to have the house back down to me and the kids.  Shoot – I can’t wait to feel comfortable getting juice from kitchen in my undies again! LOL.  But between her drama, and some drama with our neighbor behind us who wasn’t happy when my daugher washed the car and streams of water went into his yard, and the fact that I had to once again stand up to the ex to remind him that I don’t deserve to be treated with verbal abuse when he’s not getting his way… I’m so over it.  And truthfully, my confidence has taken a hit this week.

Normally, I don’t let things like this get to me.  Not really.  I may be upset for a few minutes, but truthfully, I calm down pretty quick and get over it.  But people this week, have left me feeling a bit confused, and more than a little lost.  I don’t think I was expecting it, so of course, it tripped me up a bit.  But I’m working through it.  I think it’s just a moment when I have to consciously decide that I will continue to just be me.  To unashamedly… Be. Me.  To do what I always do… to keep on keeping on.  Take me as I am, or leave me be.  I don’t think that can be a poor choice.  I suppose it would depend on how emotionally healthy “Me” is in this scenario… but in this circumstance… I feel pretty good about that.




Free to roam

In the past month or so, I’ve been attempting something a bit unusual for me.  At night, instead of wearing my pajamas or nightgowns, I’ve been doing the sports bra and undies thing.  For one, it’s hot.  But more than that, it’s my attempt at learning to become more comfortable and confident in my own body.

Now some of you may be thinking … “what’s the big deal?”

Let me try and explain.  I have never lived alone before.  There was always someone else in the home.. be it a family member, a significant other, a roommate and if not one of those, most definitely a child or two. Privacy is just something I don’t get a lot of, so the idea of wandering my house naked isn’t really a fantasy that I have.  And lastly – I’ve just never been that comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve never been the girl to feel confident living in my own body.  I hate my post-babies tummy… and the idea of baring it, even to myself just isn’t something that I’ve EVER been comfortable with.

Prego Amy.tif

I’ve been tossing and turning.  I can’t sleep.  I hurt too much.  Apparently I have a cracked rib and the discomfort is keeping me from getting much sleep.  I got up and wandered to the kitchen for something to drink and for the first time in my life, I didn’t put on a robe.  I just wandered out there, grabbed the tea and swigged a big gulp straight from the jug.  And as I walked back into my room, I caught a glimpse of myself… and smiled.  I’m looking good!

I may not be at a point where I’d feel comfortable with the world seeing me like that, I’m content enough knowing that I like what I see in the  mirror these days.  That girl staring back at me … she’s a pretty cool chick.  🙂

Damn…. life is good – even if I AM awake at 3:30 in the morning.

Good night Neverland.  Sleep well.

Goodbye Self Doubt

I had an interesting night.  I went to a party with “T”.  A house party.  Really cool bunch of people.  Mostly nerds.  🙂  I had moments where I was chatty and a total social butterfly and moments where I was a bit more quiet and off to the side… the wallflower.  Overall, I’d say I had a pretty decent mix.  I’m proud of myself for it.  Meeting and interacting with new people outside of work is hard for me.  I’m not sure why…but typically I’m too full of self doubt.  And just maybe not enough practice.  But tonight, I held my own.  Had people laughing, talked about languages and humanity, literary artists, comic artists, zombies, relationships, all were topics at hand.  In the last couple days, I’ve had a bit of a transformation that’s done me some good and it showed tonight.

I’ve been pretty sick and this last week was rough at work.  Lots of stress, lots of deadlines and a lot of visibility from leadership so the pressure is on.  I’m holding my own there too, but being sick and dealing with all of that took a toll on me.  I did something for me on yesterday.  I went shopping… bought a killer dress.  They always say a girl needs to have that one magic dress.  Where she slips it on and it hugs her in just the right places and feels silky smooth to where she feels almost sinful wearing it.  That with some strappy sandals and a new hairstyle (dark red hair with dark purple highlights… sounds odd i’m sure, but it REALLY looks awesome).  I love the new hair, although it’s also a little scary too.  I love it because it’s me.  It’s fiery.  It’s bold and vibrant.  It’s scary cuz that’s out for the world to see.  But I need this.  I feel more like me than I have in years.  The weightloss, the hair… I’m dressing better.  I feel like I have something to flaunt .. and I haven’t in years.  I FEEL sexy, and oddly, it must show because I’ve had 3 strangers hit on me or offer a phone number in the last couple of days.  It’s odd.  Maybe there’s something in the water.  I’ve politely declined them all, but happy for the ego boost I didn’t even know I really needed.

What is sexy?  I got to witness some interesting examples of how people interpret it tonight.  Really short summer dresses, jeans and a tshirt that reveals the shoulder, fishnet stockings and tutus and boots, catholic school girl uniforms that show all ass lol… I respect them all for the courage it takes to go to the extreme, especially from the plus sized girls.  BUT… I also realized something else tonight.  Looking at some of the girls tonight who were revealing so much… I could do that.  I could dress that way and actually probably look pretty good… but I kinda don’t want to.  Yea I liked wearing my dress to dinner the other night and feeling like a hot bombshell walking down the street…. but even my dress is classy.  I guess that’s my taste?  In the bedroom – sure, i’ll wear whatever you want… but out and about?  Meh.  I guess it depends on my mood…but I like to be able to control when I’m ogled.  😀  I’ll admit it though… there was a moment when those girls tonight, intimidated me a little bit.  I’m not like them.  Not sure I want to be.  I’m calm and chill.  I don’t party.  I don’t drink till i’m lying in the grass half passed out with my panties revealed to the world.  I’m more likely to explore the park or make a badass meal and play old school video games than I am to be getting shitfaced drunk.  Of course I get that it’s a holiday – and I get that these girls are young.  I guess it’s my age showing.  But I’m not THAT much older than they are.  I’ve been through more.. seen more of life.  I felt a little sorry for a couple of them at one point.  I don’t think it’s funny that you’re so drunk that you’re humping another girl on the grass with 10 men taking pictures and ogling.  Girl… you’re DRUNK.  When you get sober..and you see those photos all over the internet… then what?

This my body… it’s all I have.  And yea, it might be broken at times.  It might be pudgy in places still.  But damn… this body is a temple.  I’m starting to see just how beautiful and amazing this “temple” really is.  Only those whom I deem worthy get access to it. I don’t have a desire to flaunt.  I know what I have and who I am.

I had some great chats tho.  Heard some fascinating stories.  Of course, there are always the folks in the party you learn to steer clear of.  The overly persistent ones.  I ran into one of those tonight.  At first it was just good conversation.  But then it was whispers in the ear and an arm around me.  And then handing me his glass and demanding a fresh drink (I was in line at the bar).  I handled my own there too.  I said…”Honey, I’m not your bitch, you’re a grown man.  Get it yourself.”  Thankfully he then got distracted by a new friend asking him to do the bend and snap.  She winked at me and I was grateful for the escape. 🙂  There were a few times when I was grateful for “T” as he’d sidle up and be able to steal me away or steal the attention.  I like good conversation, I suppose I walked into it in the first place.  BUT… whispering in my ear in French because you know I speak it… yes I know what you said.  No I don’t think that line would work in English any better than it does in French.  And no… I wouldn’t go home with you….ever.  Sorry buddy.  Thankfully more women showed up and I made myself scarce and found a lovely spot to sit and watch the fireworks in the grass.

Overall, it was a lovely party.  A lovely night.  Hell – it was an awesome day all up, a great forth of July.  Goodnight neverland.   Sleep well when you get there.