And so this is christmas…


What have I done, another year over… a new one just begun.

What have I accomplished this year?  A lot in many ways, and yet, so little in others.  I started a new job.  Moved from a large house to a smaller house.  Had an amazing adventure down to the Caribbean.  I’ve made some incredible friendships.  I’ve also lost some friendships that meant a lot to me.  I knocked down a few of my own internal walls and let some people in.  Learned, not just to love again, but to actually WANT to love and be loved again.  I found a way to honor my son this year.  Got closer to my daughter than ever before and successfully navigated the age of 3 with my youngest.  I purchased myself a new car (my first), accomplished quite a few things on my bucket list, worked on some amazing projects, attended a couple of amazing comic conventions (Yes, I am a nerd), and generally had more of a life than I’ve ever had before.  What a year!

I’ve spent some time tonight thinking about the changes in me over the last year.  Physically and emotionally.  I’m proud of where I am and of where I’ve come.  I still see the growth I have to make ahead of me.  It doesn’t scare me, it excites me.  The older people get, the better they seem to get.  Or at least the more in tune with themselves they become.

Something I’d like to see more improvement on this next year is my self esteem.  I hate how low mine is.  On some levels, I see my worth.  I see what I can bring to the table.. strengths and weaknesses.  But on other levels, I can’t ever see myself the way others do.  My friends, family and loved ones tell me what they see in me often.  And most of the time, I either don’t believe them, or just struggle because I can’t see it.  Believe me, I wish I could.  As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to like myself more.  My hope is that it will continue to grow over time.

Today, I made fudge.  It used to be a tradition in our house.  We’d make fudge, cookies, and other holiday treats.  Some would be passed out as gifts to coworkers and acquaintances, others would make it to parties we’d attend or be included in the treats left out for Santa.  It felt good to make it.  Presents I’d ordered for xmas gifts started arriving today.  It was thrilling to open the door and find a big giant box on the doorstep.  One large item for the little one, and one of the items I’d ordered for T arrived today.  Should be plenty more of those to go around in the next few days as more packages arrive.  My office will become “Santa’s workshop” where no one is allowed entry other than myself and the cat.  🙂  It’s the most… wonderful time… of the year!! 🙂

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you.  Dream sweet.

lipstick kiss

The absolution of aging


When we’re young and looking for love, we hide our flaws and imperfections.  Hoping that they will be overlooked, or better yet, somehow found to be an asset rather than a hindrance to the overall package we have to offer to a significant other.  Then when you find that person, you can embrace the idea of aging together.  Lovingly pointing out the new grey hairs that come in, the wrinkles that deepen, the hair loss, the weird moles that suddenly start to sprout hair… all of that fun jazz (please note the sarcasm there).  Aging together WITH someone, is almost charming, because at least you’re both falling apart together.  The new love handles your significant other suddenly has becomes a new endearing quality that just makes you love them that much more.

But what happens when you’re aging and in the dating world?  Do you try and hide these imperfections?  Even knowing that we are ALL going through them?  Do you use bottles of just for men, or shimmy your body into a tightly fitting girdle in order to appear younger or fresher?  Why?  If we’re all going through it, age is something we can’t turn away from, our bodies slowly give away and reveal their weaknesses to others around us as we grow old.  This is something we, none of us, can escape from; and yet, you’d likely be hard pressed to find anyone in the dating scene over 30 who doesn’t still try.

I have a few greys.  Not many, I’m only 31 after all, but I’ve noticed 3 of them coming in.  I could pull them.  Yank them by their roots and try and pretend I never saw them. They’d grow back.  Instead, I’m embracing their presence.  Perhaps the silvery strands are there as little badges of honor, to remind me that life is rich and full and I’ve truly LIVED it.  And there’s a hell of a lot more to go!

I’m going to make an attempt in the next few months to embrace my flaws.  A little thinning hair – meh – who cares, it’s finally filling in.  I blame pregnancy.  Crows feet… yup – and I blame SMILING all the time.  The occasional blemish – hello Stress!! I am human.  I have faults, I have flaws.  And rather than hide these and pretend they don’t exist.  I’m going to simply embrace that they are me.  A part of me, whether I like them or not.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to grow old with the people I love and laugh about them all.  My friends and loved ones .. be warned.  I may just lovingly point out your flaws and adorable imperfections and encourage you to start embracing them too.  Hehe.  Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.