Update: It’s been a while

First off, I suppose I should apologize.  You see, I use writing as a release.  When I’m feeling down, or lost or anxious… writing helps me find a way to vocalize whatever it is that’s weighing me down.  And once I can do that, once I process it – I can let it go.  But in the past few months, I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, and haven’t really had the desire to do much writing about it.  So.. here it goes… a brief update on all the busy happenings that have been my life since I last wrote.

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My side business is doing very well.  I imagine at some point towards the end of the year, that it will no longer be a side business… but something a bit more on the main business side of things.  It’s exciting and has been a lot of fun.  My best friend and my daughter are both heavily involved and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment to work on it with them.  Not to mention, I can pour my creativity into every new recipe or batch.  I won’t lie, a LOT of my time has been poured into my business… between making the products and making sure they have the proper cure times, researching recipes and new products to add to my lines, testing batches, labeling & packaging, shipping, marketing, attending pop ups or shows… it’s a LOT of work!

I had a bit of a health scare for a few months.  Ended with me having a procedure that, at least so far, has given me some answers.  I’m learning how to manage.  Some days, I have more energy than others, but I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit by and feel sorry for myself over it.  I’m unique. LOL.  That will have to do.

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I’ve attended a few events, a fair, have visited a few farmer’s markets and even had the privilege of participating in an east indian wedding… such an incredible experience. And the photos.. let me tell you!  All the colors!!!  Such a treat.  It’s been a lovely summer so far, and it’s not quite over yet.

My daughter and I are planning a mural on the long fence that is on one side of our property.  We’ve got a few scenes we’ll work into it, and we’ve spent a decent amount of time planning it out and discussing each scene.  I’ll be buying the paint & supplies tomorrow and we’re both pretty excited to get it going… even if it will take a while to complete it.

Mid-way through August, I’ve rented a little cabin for a couple of days.  I’m hoping the new Kayaks that I’ve ordered will be here, but if not, I’ll use one of the old ones.  I’m really looking forward to it.  To get out, explore… whether it’s by car, foot or boat.  To have nothing pressing, no rush to do anything except what I want.  There’s even a hot tub… so if I want to relax and soak under the stars… I can.  🙂  Absolute bliss.  I’m craving a little quiet.  To slow down and just watch the world around me.  I’ll be sure to bring my camera.  I like to capture that which inspires me.

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My day job has been going really well – we’ve been taking on a few projects that really have me excited.  I’m enthusiastic to see how they go… projects often morph and take on a new direction from how we first imagined them.  It’s a bit like watching your child grow up – and now you can’t really control what direction they take.

I’m still consistently losing 2-5 pounds each week.  I’m pleased by that.  I know I’ll plateau again… will just keep going.  The way I see it, it took me a while to put on the weight – going to take just as long to take it off.

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks actually – my roommate/nanny is going to be moving out at the end of August.  There’s been a little drama here and there in regards to that… so I’ll be happy to have the house back down to me and the kids.  Shoot – I can’t wait to feel comfortable getting juice from kitchen in my undies again! LOL.  But between her drama, and some drama with our neighbor behind us who wasn’t happy when my daugher washed the car and streams of water went into his yard, and the fact that I had to once again stand up to the ex to remind him that I don’t deserve to be treated with verbal abuse when he’s not getting his way… I’m so over it.  And truthfully, my confidence has taken a hit this week.

Normally, I don’t let things like this get to me.  Not really.  I may be upset for a few minutes, but truthfully, I calm down pretty quick and get over it.  But people this week, have left me feeling a bit confused, and more than a little lost.  I don’t think I was expecting it, so of course, it tripped me up a bit.  But I’m working through it.  I think it’s just a moment when I have to consciously decide that I will continue to just be me.  To unashamedly… Be. Me.  To do what I always do… to keep on keeping on.  Take me as I am, or leave me be.  I don’t think that can be a poor choice.  I suppose it would depend on how emotionally healthy “Me” is in this scenario… but in this circumstance… I feel pretty good about that.

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What is Hot?

I had a great day.  Despite being sick and spending most of it in bed.  When I did get out of bed, I did my best to dance and cheer around the house.  It’s what happens when I get sick of being in bed.  I get kinda silly.  The folks I care about all seemed to be in good moods today too, which always helps.  When they are happy – my happiness is greater.  I found a few fun songs to bust a move to randomly during dinner, made everyone laugh.  Of course, then another wave of fever takes over and I’m back in bed hiding beneath blankets and answering anyone with a muffled “Go Away, you’ll get SICK!” to anyone who calls for me.  It’s a fun time.  I should warn you all, I’m a little drugged with a variety of meds tonight, so my writing may or may not be affected… you have been warned.

The bro made a statement yesterday that I’ve been really thinking about.  Just because you’re not skinny doesn’t mean you’re not hot.  Wow!ImageI think for 31 years I’ve truly thought that the definition of hot was NOT plus sized.  I know it’s wrong – but look around us?  The world embraces the skinny beautiful women.  I think maybe in my twisted brain I came to believe that big could be beautiful or pretty but not “Hot” or “Sexy”.  See, and even writing that statement, I know it’s inherently wrong, but the few women who do prove that in the fashion, entertainment or even sex industries, to me are edge cases.  (Just to be clear, in my book, that means they deserve extra credit and respect because they made it to where they are with a battle of being plus sized as a hurdle they had to conquer).  Making it over that battle is not a norm; therefore, they are an edge case.   AND … most images these days are photo-shopped anyway.  You certainly don’t see cellulite or muffin tops … unless they are being deliberately called out by tabloids or articles poking fun.  But it’s still an interesting statement.  Does hotness equate to skinnyness?  No.  I’ve met some skinny people who were in no way hot – inside or out.  I’ve met plus sized folks who were amazing gems inside, and others who were ugly and cold or just plain crazy inside.  Maybe hotness isn’t about size at all.  (Sorry – flashback to a scene from the movie the grinch – … his heart grows 3 sizes because he realizes maybe that’s not what christmas is really about… that’s me right now realizing what hotness is about!)

Ok so fill me all in your thoughts.  What is hot?  What makes someone (male or female) hot?  What qualities must someone have to rank them as being hot?  Is it confidence?  Physique?  Pheromones?

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I had a strange thing happen to me today.  I was straightening my hair – I figured, maybe if I showered and made an effort to look decent I’d feel better.  It didn’t work lol, but as I was going through the motions I looked at myself in the mirror.  On one hand, I look like hell.  Dark circles, pale complexion, I look sick.  But on the other I also look… I dunno.  Dare I say it… Pretty.  Hmm.  Just writing that makes me smile a little.  I don’t take compliments very well; I get awkward with them, just not used to hearing them I suppose.  There’s been a small shift for me.  I don’t look at myself in the mirror and only see flaws anymore.  I look and see a woman, sometimes a girl, but a woman who’s been through some amazing things.  She’s strong and smart,loving,  funny and kind to others, and despite still dealing with some weight issues (although those are disappearing too), she’s actually- kinda beautiful.  lol I know, I know… in my case.. I am literally the definition of hot… because I have a raging fever.  😀  Just kidding…ok, ok, going to go bury myself in my covers again…gah! I hate being sick!  I’m so BORED and sick of feeling useless!