Dreams

nightmare

There are times when I wish I could just turn off the brain.  Especially when I’m sleeping.  Dreams.  Why do we even have them?  Why must I continually be plagued by nightmares and hidden terrors?  Why?  I wake up, typically will sit straight up in bed, in fear.  No, fear isn’t quite right.  Terror is probably a bit closer.  It takes me a minute to realize that my dreams were in fact, just dreams.  That I’m awake and life has returned, somewhat, to normal.  I try and shut out what I’ve just seen or visualized.  Sometimes I wake up and cry.  Sometimes I wake up and am just angry that once again I’ve been robbed of precious sleep.  The very LAST thing that I’ll want to do after I’ve had a nightmare is go back to sleep.  Sometimes I’ll be so tired, that I’ll fall back to sleep.  Sometimes I’ll get lucky and not dream again.  Other times, I’ll find myself in a perpetual loop of falling in and out of the same dream.

Last night was one of those nights.  I think it was probably 6am that I decided I’d had enough.  Got up.  Wandered to find coffee and do a little people watching.  I want to go back to bed.  I want to get a few more hours of sleep, since I’m not on kid duty right now.  I checked into a hotel yesterday.  Decided I needed a day away from everything and everyone.  Its been lovely.  Ordered room service, watched bad TV, snuck downstairs last night at around midnight and watched all the silly drunk people hooting and hollering as they hopped between bars near the hotel.  It was definitely a much needed break.  But here I sit, early in the morning, unable to take advantage of the amazingly comfortable bed they have in this suite, typing to you all.

When will it stop? How do you make your brain realize that it’s not doing anything but torturing you with memories?  What I find interesting, I wake up with one of two words on the brain.  “Stop!” or “Ben!”.  Not hard to figure out what I’ve been dreaming about.  The same thing echoes in my head all morning after a dream, until I’m actually capable of either distracting myself thoroughly or just drowing it out with something else. It’s either the words my father told me after he died, or worse, the words the ex said to me after he passed.

“Why didn’t you save him?”

“Why didn’t you catch the doctor’s mistakes? I thought you were smart!?”

“You murdered our son by NOT catching their mistakes”

“It’s all your fault”

“It’s YOUR genes that caused this”

“How could you do this to our family?”

“You’re a disgrace”

It’s not of course.  I know this.  The rational side of me recognizes that those words were designed to cut me.  Designed to cause tremendous pain because the people who flung them at me were in so much pain and couldn’t take it.  They did what they know to do – lash out and spread that pain to others.  Perhaps in the hopes that the pain would dissipate or lesson for themselves.  I’m betting it didn’t work.  I’m betting that the pain they felt didn’t lesson at all.  Mine certainly didn’t, it magnified.

bad_dreams_away

I find myself lost in thought today.  Memories.  I try very hard to focus on the good ones.  Live in the moment.  Not in the past.  But it’s early mornings like these, that I get a little lost in remembering.  And it’s not all about Ben either.  My dreams last night, while many of them centered around my little angel of a little man, also gave me flashbacks of the last year or so.  My trips to San Francisco, Australia, Hawaii.  The things I’ve accomplished in the last 12 months.  The things I have yet to accomplish that I’ve put off.  The things that have yet to come.  I hope that over the course of time, the pain of some of my memories lessons even more.  Hell – I hope that overtime, I can stop having nightmares, and start having more happy dreams.  Or just no dreams!  Do they have a treatment for that?  Is there some kind of magic pill a doctor can give you that will ensure that you will have no dreams?  Although I think maybe that’d be cheating.  I think you dream these things because internally you’re working through something.  And it surfaces in your dreams where you can’t hide, but you also really can’t be hurt by it.  So maybe, in the long run, it’s better for me to have them.  To remember.  To feel.  It’s better than numbing yourself, or sticking your head in the sand.

Perhaps in another life, I’ll be an ostrich.

A sleepy ramble…

dreams

Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

  1. My inner strength and how strong I am
  2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
  3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
  4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.

    I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
  5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
  6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
  7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!