Depression and Co-Dependency

Depression

Ok.  I will admit it.  Depression has hit me this week.  Fairly hard.  I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet.  I found a new counselor.  My first appointment will happen tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency.  I want to talk about that.  I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships.  I want to understand how to break the cycle.  First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.

I refuse to sit and do nothing on this.  I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life.  History repeats itself – well NOT anymore!  When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.

Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup!  I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.

I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix.  I cannot change someone.  I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.

I’m nervous.  I’m finally getting really honest with myself.  I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy.  I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope.  If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life.  I will not be that person again.  I just can’t.