I re-arranged my bedroom tonight. It was nice to refresh the room a bit. Think I needed it. But something dawned on me as I was shifting furniture around. I have a LOT of pictures of Ben. They are scattered in frames throughout my room, and then there’s a large frame with a collage of them on the wall. It used to be where I needed these pictures up. I felt like I wanted them to surround me; Like it somehow kept me connected with the son I loved and lost.
Now, though, I find that looking at these pictures doesn’t give me the same feeling anymore. Some of them still do. I will likely always want a picture of his cute baby feet around. There’s something so adorably sweet about baby feet. But… suddenly, I want to keep my focus on the happy and positive. The forward motion that I’m so desperately trying to continue. The pictures now give me both a smile and an ache. I wouldn’t take any of it back. Somehow, even his death, was likely for the best. Who knows what kind of life he’d have led. His conception, his birth, his life and his death all had dramatic impacts on me, my family, my children and my friends in different ways and for different reasons. We are all – in many ways – better people because of him. I could never thank him for that gift. If I take the pictures down tho, am I somehow dishonoring him? Or will it somehow seem to signal that he doesn’t hold such a large place in my mind and heart? I’m inclined to say no. I honor him in other ways too, but the idea of pulling those pictures down, or even simply adding others to the collage frame feels off too. I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll take a staged approach with this. One at a time until I find a balance that is right for me. But how do you find balance with something like this? How do you know what’s right when everyone handles these things differently?
Oh magic 8 ball of life… why must you keep giving such cryptic answers?
- ● Reply hazy try again
- ● Ask again later
- ● Better not tell you now
- ● Cannot predict now
- ● Concentrate and ask again