Tag: friendship

I need to get some of this out

Jen3 Comments

I’ve been hiding from my phone for the past couple of days.  Ok, maybe not hiding, but I plug it in and walk away from it.  I don’t want to be near it.  Families… weddings… I swear, weddings, funerals and babies bring out the crazy in people.  And typically – when the crazy comes out – someone gets hurt.

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I guess this time… that person is me.  I’m hurt.  Reeling actually.  I feel as if I’ve been singed and cut by someone I never thought I’d have to fear.

My “bro”.  He’s not related to me by blood, but we call each other “brother” and “sister”.  We met 13 years ago, he was my neighbor who lived with his then-girlfriend across the hall.  I swear, the first time I met him, I knew he was my brother from another mother. LOL.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but we were always there for each other.  He’s always been there for me.

I knew, as his wedding day approached that our friendship was about to change in a big way.  Ideally, I’d gain a cool sister out of the deal.  But she has never seemed to have much interest in that, we don’t share a lot of the same ideals, so I get it. Actually – I wish she understood exactly just how much I get it.  The Bro’s life is about to change in a pretty serious way.  His life now must be with her.  Up until recently, I’ve been excited to think about what is in store for their future… moving in together, babies, eventually buying a house, doing all the things that I know he wants to accomplish.  And I knew that our friendship would move to the very back… like nosebleed seats.  And I’m cool with that – hell – I’ve been pushing him in this direction.  I guess I figured we’d get through his wedding day first.  I was wrong.  And truly, I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.  And if I’m honest, After all that was said, I’m not entirely sure I want it to.

I won’t spill all the details here… but I will say that I wish I could help some people see how much their words can damage.  How their tone and the way they approach other people will directly impact how their words are received.  I will also say that it takes a very brave and yet rather stupid man to judge another.  My bro laid out many of the decisions I’d made over the course of my life … pointing out my mistakes, effectively rubbing my nose in the areas he felt I didn’t measure up.  Not just in my past, but even now.  But he did all of this, only knowing bits and pieces of the story.  He judged me… and it came across with anger, disdain, disappointment and shame. His soon to be wife even joined in the “fun”.  She’d verbally attacked me prior to my bro letting me have it.  Screamed at me and said I was a horrible “best man”.  Ironic she did that when I was putting finishing touches on some bachelor party related stuff earlier that evening.  It was a hard hitting 1-2 verbal sucker punch from them as a couple.

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I won’t lie, that first 24 hours after they both let me have it… I was a wreck.  I broke down.  I bawled and went quiet.  I crawled inside my world and licked my wounds.  I wasn’t even angry, I was self-reflective.  I had to check myself… make sure that what he’d said wasn’t true.  I guess because I’ve been actively working on self-improvement, I had to really take a good look and make sure that there weren’t areas of his feedback that I needed to consider.  The next day, we spoke again and he apologized and tried to sweep it under the rug.  Even tried to deny some of what he’d said the night before.  I thanked him for the apology but stated that for me to feel comfortable attending the wedding and the festivities, that I would like an apology from his fiance/soon to be wife.    He agreed that I deserved it, but warned that I might not get it from her right away.  He laid out various reasons and excuses for why I should just let it go.  About 15 minutes after he said he’d talk to her and get back to me, my phone rang.  It was her, and I answered it pleasantly, as I didn’t want to start things off on the wrong foot.  She immediately started yelling – even yelled an apology.  Yea – cuz THAT feels totally sincere.  I hung up on her, and texted her that perhaps it would be better to move to text.  Honestly, I just didn’t want to be yelled at anymore.  We texted a little – but I pretty quickly gave up on that too.  So here I sit, no sincere apology and still feeling incredibly upset and uneasy a few days later.

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Yes, I could back down… I could suck it up and be there for him on his wedding day.  And likely – I will do this.  More for me than him.  I don’t want to feel guilty 10 years from now for not showing up.  And I’ll go into it knowing there’s the potential for drama, or daggers being thrown at me, there will be the potential for awkward uncomfortable silences, and even worse, a high chance that I will end up feeling used or insulted by the end of all of this.  I will suck it up, BUT… I’m done.  Or at least I think I am.  I’m going to just keep going down my own life’s path… because I’m dying to see what happens in the next chapters of my life.  To get thru this, i’m going to keep telling myself that it’s not my circus, and not my monkeys.

I’m a grown woman who’s made a successful, full and happy life for herself.  I’m a woman who has good, sweet, smart children who may stumble or struggle in their life in places, but who know without a shadow of a doubt that their momma loves them and would do anything to see that they are safe and well cared for.  I don’t deserve to be talked to or treated in that manner.  Especially when what is being said isn’t true.  At least I had that going for me, I knew, deep down in my heart that nothing they said was true about me… that it was being said out of spite and anger and jealousy.  But here’s the thing, even knowing that… it still hurt.  It was a different hurt tho.  This hurt came from knowing that the someone I trusted over the years is now throwing daggers… they are no longer worthy of my trust.  That perhaps I’d misjudged him all along.

So … because of all of this… I’ve been avoiding my phone. I’ve been staying off social media and just kind of hiding in my world.  I’ve had some shifts in a few friendships in the last few months… each of them shook me to my core for various reasons.  This one is no different.  What is interesting to me is that when I promised myself that I’d get healthy, even if that meant cutting toxic situations out of my life… I guess I didn’t realize how many of my relationships had toxic layers woven into them.  Maybe living on my own and staying single for a while truly WAS the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m so glad I’ve done it up to this point.  I’ll have to watch myself moving forward… I’m putting up my walls with everyone – unintentionally.  And I don’t mean to.  I am just unsure on who to trust, vs. who will judge me or hurt me.  Easier to just put up the walls a bit.

I had an interview today – it went quite well.  I felt confident, for the first time in months actually.  A genuine confidence, not the kind where you fake it till you hopefully make it.  Maybe being shaken to my core this weekend was good for me.  Helped remind me who I am.  Where I’ve been, and more importantly, where I am headed.

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Sunday night thoughts

Jen1 Comment

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Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

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In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

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Betrayal

Jen1 Comment

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Today I met with a friend for brunch and manicures and pedicures.  It was overall, a lovely morning.  However, the conversation turned to some things she’d been told recently about me.  To say that I was appalled and hurt is a massive understatement.  I put my side out there and later, she agreed that what she’d been told was a lot of untruths and had absolutely no merit…. but it made me VERY upset. Thankfully, the get together ended on happy notes.  She wants to get together again very soon, as she’s moved nearby and we will be close.  She confessed that I have been an inspiration to her in her life… and that she doesn’t believe the things that were said.

The things that were said were so far from the truth, part of me wanted to laugh at their absurdity.  But the other part of me was simply horrified that anyone would say or think anything like that about me.  It cut me deeper than anything has cut me in a very, very, long time. The words that were said cut down the core of my character, of my morals, and made me sound like a villain.  It proved to me that anyone who would think these things… was never my friend to begin with.

I stewed on it all afternoon and around 8pm I decided to practice my new abilities in being a better communicator.  I called and confronted the person who’d said these horrible things.  The goal wasn’t to cut him back with my words… it was to understand why they were said.

I don’t know if everything he said was truth or not… as lord knows he wasn’t expecting me to call and confront him.  I reminded him that the next time he says something to a friend, to make sure that friend is loyal to him first.  That it’s a small town, and word gets around quickly in certain circles.  According to him, it was a mix of a few things… misunderstandings, assumptions, and hearing things from another “friend”. I asked him who his source was, so that I could confront them too…

R.  The one person who’s hurt me more than she could realize.  A woman who was like a sister to me.  Honestly – I still don’t fully understand how things went so wrong with her… but I know very well the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be her friend.  It shook me to my core and yet it was a very calm, resigned knowledge that we were done.  I would never, and have never, said anything bad or negative about her.  I have not and would not share the secrets that I hold that she shared with me.  Just because we are no longer friends, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her at one point in my life.  What we are now, doesn’t erase the promises or the sincerity that I felt towards her back then.

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Apparently, she does not feel the same way.  I don’t know if I will confront her or not.  I know that I likely should.  But, I don’t honestly think she’d care.  I think that the reaction I would get would be cold and indifferent.  Or worse.  I don’t need that kind of drama or bullshit in my life.  I’ve been through enough.

I value my reputation.  I’ve worked hard to ensure that I show myself to other people and that I honor myself, my family, my friends and the others around me.  So I take a lot of pride in my good reputation, and finding out that someone who I once trusted, someone who I helped time after time and supported and loved… is now spreading horrible things about me…. hurts like nothing I’ve experienced before.

Now I realize – that what others think or say about me shouldn’t affect me.  That ultimately, they’ve just validated for me, why I walked away… they’ve proven without a shadow of a doubt that they do not deserve a right to be in my inner circle.  And I’m ok with that.

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What I’m not okay with – is that this also proves to me that my radar is off.  I’ve always thought of myself as a good judge of character.  That I’m good at reading people… and yet I obviously made a very large mistake in judging these two people.  If my radar is THAT off…perhaps it’s better for me to pull away a bit.  Put up my guard a bit more.  Maybe I have no business trying to read people or trying to decipher character simply because my normal meter is broken.  I’m going to keep watch on my inner circle … I don’t want to be put in a position to be hurt anymore.  But I also realize that might be counter-intuitive considering some of my other goals and dreams.  That to succeed OR fail… you must first be willing to risk.  I think it’s best that I continue to focus on me… getting healthy, finding happiness, working towards the things I want and dream for in life.

I had a few moments this weekend when it dawned on me how much I’m enjoying life these days.  I need to stay in that head space… keep positive.  Keep focused.   Stay away from drama. I know that I’m a good person… and maybe that’s enough.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love to you all.

 

Just keep swimming…

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It’s been a good day.  My work day is almost over.  The work week is almost over.  I have some new plans for the weekend that have me looking forward to it getting here.  My step son isn’t going to be coming over this weekend.  Instead, it will be me, my daughter and my son, heading to my dads.  I think all 3 of us need a break from where we’re at.  My daughter especially, as she’s had a hard week.  I don’t know what to do to help her, other than what I’m doing.  I just hope it’s enough.

She’s been spiraling into what I’d call – a form of depression.  From the outside tho, she puts on a good show.  Her school counselor called me on monday to fill me in on a few things.  It led to her spending all day tuesday at home with me, and sleeping with me the last few nights, which I truly don’t mind.  That little girl means the world to me, and I’d give anything to help make her happy.  I know that moving, and finally settling in and putting down some roots will help her tremendously.

I’m hoping to hear from my lender tomorrow, to give me the new date the house will close.  We’ll get the keys on that day, and depending on what day it ends up being, I will do everything I possibly can to get us out and into our new place on or pretty damn close to that day.

At home, I’m beyond fed up.  I’m beyond worrying or caring that I’ll say something wrong.  I’m tired of walking on eggshells.  Even when I do everything right, It still gets assumed that I’m a horrible person.  And truthfully, I know damn well that I’m not.  I’m a good person.  I care a lot about people.   I give a lot to other people. And somehow, a couple of people, who used to be very close to me, have recently forgotten that.

I think I’ve hit a new place that I’m not entirely sure I’ve been before.  In my past, I’d be trying to salvage these friendships.  Trying to fix things to make things more cordial.  Lately, like Rhett Butler… I just don’t give a damn.

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At one point, one of the roomies pointed out what I could do to “fix” our friendship.  Stating that if I did X, Y and Z, that maybe we could still be friends.  If they were simple little things, it would be no big deal, but basically, she asked me to change who I am at my core.  Sorry.  I refuse to do that.  Love me for who I am.. or don’t love me at all.  What I didn’t point out was that at this point, maybe I don’t even WANT to be friends.  Maybe I’m not the one who “lost out”… perhaps it’s actually her loss and not mine.  Perhaps I’ve seen enough of her true colors in the last few months, that I’ve had my fill.  Perhaps the second she asked me to change who I am… was the second that I realized I was done.

I’ve only got a couple of weeks left… I keep telling myself that over and over again.  I can do this.  I can keep coming home to this horrible awkward place full of frustration and silence, if it’s only for a couple of weeks.  I can endure this.  My children can endure this.  As much as I wish they didn’t have to.  And there is so much light at the end of this dank, dark tunnel that it’s overwhelming and inspiring and beautiful.  That’s enough.  Right? 🙂

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The unseen forces that shape who we become

Jen1 Comment

I had a lovely weekend, it was relaxing and productive in many ways.  I went out for sushi on friday night, found a great coffee shop on saturday morning and then went furniture and appliance shopping for the new house with one of my best girlfriends.  I wasn’t feeling very good after that and spent the rest of the evening relaxing with a movie and a cozy fire.

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Today I got the pleasure of seeing Nana and Granddad.  It was a wonderful visit.  We had lunch and spent time catching up.  As I was leaving, my Mom called.  She was at the hospital across the street with my other grandma and a few family members.  My grandma had had a stroke, and she wanted me to come and say my good-byes.

Is it wrong of me that truthfully, I was only going for my step dad?  There are very few people in the world that I could honestly say I view as my “hero”, but he is most definitely one of them.

I have always admired his quiet strength.  How, even when he was angry with me, or someone else, he would take the time he needed to work through it in his head, and then come back and address things calmly.  As a teenager, when I’d fight with my mom, it was him who would come and hear my side.  He’d always listen.  He might not always agree with me or my approach, but he’d let me say my piece.  And then he’d share my mom’s side, and then he’d share his own perspective, and somehow, we’d always find a resolution.  He was always the one person who could quiet the stormy seas and make everyone feel calm again.

I adore that he’s silly and playful.  He’d wake me up in the mornings singing “We all live in yellow submarine” as loud as he could.  He’d make up silly songs about whatever we were doing or tell fart jokes, or quote monty python.

Today, I saw his strength crack.  I’ve only seen that maybe twice in my life.  And I remember the last time, I felt the same as I do now.  There’s something not quite right in the world when this man, whom I adore and look to for calm and quiet strength, cracks.  He was doing just fine until I got there and gave him a hug.  And he quickly gathered himself back up and drew it all back in.  He was staying strong for everyone in the room.

Seeing my grandmother today was more difficult than I’d anticipated it would be.  I haven’t attended gatherings at her house for a year or two.  She looked so different.  So thin and frail.  It broke my heart and made me feel scared to ever be put in her shoes.

Because this is my blog, I’m going to share some things… to the few family members who read my blog – please – know that I love my grandmother very much.  I’m not trying to tarnish anything about her… but this is my one place to be honest.

I have always had mixed feelings about my grandmother.  She’s my step grandmother, and when I was young, she made a more than a few comments that made me feel like I would never truly be a part of the family.  When I got older, I went through a phase where I wanted her to like me and connect with me, I even got a job in the banking world, an industry that she spent her career in.  She was a lovely cook and I’d often try and learn her recipes or talk kitchen tricks with her.

When my daughter was a baby, my grandmother watched her for a few days each week.  She loved and adored Alayna.  She would sit and rock her all day.  She wouldn’t even put her down and use the restroom while she was under her care.  I worked two jobs at the time to try and make ends meet, and I was so lucky to have grandma there to watch my daughter.  We didn’t always agree on things and occasionally she would make comments that hurt my feelings.  She’s of a different generation.

I loved family gatherings at her house, and hated them all at the same time.  🙂  I love that family, but grandma, as she got older, would extend visits as long as she could with the entire family.  She’d make the younger children wait until past their bedtime to open presents and the evenings just became harder and harder.  Grandma didn’t see the problem with playing favorites among the children and grandchildren, and I hated having to explain to my children why they were often left out.  So we slowly stopped going to the family gatherings.

Families are complex systems with a multitude of millions of parts.  I never really thought of how much those little moments and pieces and parts affected who I am today.

Grandma was always trying to serve and host others.  Even at the expense of herself.  She was giving and loving and loyal to her family.  Her children are truly some of the most kind and genuine people.  All of which have giant hearts and infectious laughs.  They wouldn’t be who they are without her.  She was a divorced single mom.  I don’t ever remember a man being in her life and instead, did it on her own.

I think I had a moment today when it really sank in that as much as I love her, grandma was wrong about one thing.  Blood doesn’t make you family.  I’m not related to her by blood, but I love her.  I love her family.  My family.  I’m honored and blessed to have them in my life.  I’m sad that change has hit our family today.  A big change. But I know that we’ll weather this change.  I know, because I’m just like them.  I too, channel moments when I embody strength, loyalty, kindness, and a selflessness for others.

I think overall, I handled the day well enough.  I came home and asked one of the roommates for a hug.  I just wanted a friend at that moment.  It had been a long drive home and I already wasn’t looking forward to coming home.  It didn’t really go over very well.  I got a very half-hearted hug and then what felt like being completely shut out.  It hurt.  It made me feel like there was no friendship there.  It helped me learn, yet another lesson.  Be careful who you go to for comfort or support because if you’re not, sometimes, you’ll just get burned.

Goodnight Neverland, much love to you.

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