It feels good to be home

hearthome

The house is really starting to come together.  The living room is mostly unpacked, same with the kitchen and the dining room.  My bedroom is coming along nicely, as is my daughter’s.  And this weekend, I will make my son’s room awesome while he’s at his dad’s.

A few friends who’ve been over have commented on how it feels like a home.  A place where they just want to come and hang and stay.  That is precisely what I was going for.  Something modern and clean and yet comfortable and inviting.  Where the fridge always has a favorite beverage and there’s always a tasty snack in the kitchen.  Where music is playing through the house or a good movie playing where you can curl up and watch it.

I’ve always wanted my home to be filled with love and laughter and experiences.

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And for the first time, in a very, very long time, I can see that shaping right in front of me.  It’s lovely.  I look forward to coming home everyday.  Maybe it’s the drastic contrast to the last few months with the roomies, but this is pure bliss.  I’ve got a lot of ideas of things I want to do, areas I want to set up… all in good time of course, as those kinds of projects take money to pull off.  But still – the vision is there.

I have a private balcony off my bedroom.  It’s completely private – the only access coming from my room.  I can’t wait to fill it with flowers this summer and sit and watch the sunset on it.  I can’t wait to sip coffee on it in the wee hours of the morning on the days I work from home.

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I bought concert tickets for a concert in September.  My daughter and I are both quite excited for it.  It’s been about a year, maybe even 2 since I’ve been to a concert.  My last one was The Fray.  It was a good concert, although I hadn’t listened to their new CD enough to really enjoy it, as they mostly played songs from it.

My birthday is coming up.  2 years ago, I tried planning a bash.  It sorta backfired on me and was a total flop.  🙂  Last year, I had to think about it.. I think if I remember correctly, I got tickets to go see a comic perform.  But I think the show happened later… which would explain why I don’t remember really doing much of anything last year.  I don’t know – my birthdays just aren’t really a big deal to me.  I love to make a fuss over other people’s birthday… but I feel odd doing that over my own.

I know my family will ask me what I want for my birthday this year, and at least I’ll have a good answer for once.  Stuff for the house.  🙂  Sure, it’s a bit of a cop out answer, but it works!

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Tomorrow night, I’m getting to visit with one of my favorite girlfriends.   We call it “book club” but it’s really just us going out for a glass of wine and getting to have some good quality girl chat. 🙂  I adore them, as much as I adore her.  Now that I’ve moved, I’m further from her than I was before, and before was already quite a long drive even to make the half way point.  But it’s worth it.  🙂  Sometimes, you just need a good laugh with a good girlfriend.

Today I had my final interview for a position with a new company.  Total, I’ve done close to 15 hours of interviews just for this position, but I’m excited, because I think I nailed it.  And this particular opportunity is one that I really want and would be very good at… not to mention, it would be an absolute BLAST.  The only downside to it, would be the commute, as it’s in downtown Seattle.  But I’d figure something out to make that tolerable as well.

I’m quite content right now, with the trajectory things are heading in my life.  I may not have it all figured out, heck, it’s all ever-changing.  But I feel good about it all.  I feel strong, confident, and happy.  Such a good thing.

Much love to you all, Goodnight Neverland!

lipstick kiss

When the sun comes up…

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I have discovered a new love.  Thanks to my son, I often wake up quite early.  So much so, that I’m finding that even when he’s not with me, my body still wakes up in the 5 o’clock hour.  Part of me thinks longingly of the days when I’d sleep in until 9 or 10, but the other part of me loves it.

I’ve always loved a sunrise.  The world is still mostly sleeping, and the sun comes up, the birds wake and start to sing, and all seems lovely.  I love that quiet.  It’s even better if I’m lucky enough to have a cup of coffee with me, but even when I don’t, it’s in those quiet moments that I gather my strength for the day.

It is in those moments that everything falls away and I can just revel in that minute.  Stresses or challenges that I’m tackling don’t matter.  All that matters is that sun coming up and starting the day.

Good morning Neverland.

lipstick kiss

A good day

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It’s been a good day.

I’ve been productive at work, managed to get a couple of bills paid, and took care of a few things that I needed to research and handle.  I sat and enjoyed a cup of coffee, caught up on emails and opened the project I’m working on.  Inspiration coursed through me and my fingers flew over the keys as music filled the room and I just grooved.  I love days like these.

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Things have been good.  I’m working through my own fears and insecurities, I’m communicating, I’m living each day with the idea that I should do my best to embrace every moment for what it is.  It’s kind of thrilling.  I’m sure I’ll have moments when I falter or find myself afraid, but it’s lovely to see a path forward.  It’s lovely to feel happy.

Cheers to you my friends, I hope your Thursday is going as well as mine.

Bring on a new week!

It was an interesting week.  Ben’s birthday came and went.  A few in my inner circle wouldn’t let me spend it alone.  Celebrated in various ways… cake with a sparkler in it,

Ben's cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.
Ben’s cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.

handing out blankets from a big bag I’d ordered to those who really needed it downtown – which was both fulfilling and heart breaking all at the same time.  A simple piece of fabric is not nearly enough to keep those people warm.

Bag of blankets
Bag of blankets

more than a few cry sessions while looking over old photos thinking about the course life takes in a more general sense of the term.  It’s interesting how a person will come to terms with grief.  This year was a little harder emotionally than I expected it to be, but at the same time, I combatted it with doing kindness acts for others.  I avoided drama at all costs.  Tried to spread smiles.  And that made it somehow ok.

Attended a formal event on Friday night.  Went and got my hair done before hand, wore a new killer dress, and some badass high heels… I felt like a million bucks.  Then Saturday night, I hung out with some old coworker friends, who are more like family, listened to a great band play in their living room complete with fog machine and lighting, ate some great Italian food, it was fantastic and kind of chill. To be honest, it was totally awesome.  The band was great, the conversation was around music, Halloween, kids, nerdy things… all things I feel completely at ease jumping in and talking about.  And a few of the party attendees were like family to me, so it was jut a great atmosphere to be in all around.

The band playing in my buddies living room. :)
The band playing in my buddies living room. 🙂

Overall – the week had it’s ups and it’s downs.  In the past, I’d have been a wreck this week.  But this year, between friends, and the way I planned it out… there was simply no reason to be.  I think I did it.  I found a way to really honor Ben, and that has left me content instead. 🙂 But all of that said, all of those plans… had me a bit worn down.  It’s why I planned to have a day, Today, when I’d be by myself.

No kids.  No plans.  A day to myself.  It’s been a while.

I was both, looking forward to it, and for some reason dreading it all at the same time leading up to it this weekend.  And then it came, and I slept in a little.  Then got up, put on my game day jersey and went and had breakfast, tuned into the game and read a book drinking coffee and not talking to anyone.  I had to really push myself to go.  Eating alone is … weird.  Sometimes I don’t mind it, especially if I have something to read… but sometimes, my social side comes out and I get a bit lonely sitting in a busy place by myself.  I worked through it.  Got my book out and I sat and ate and enjoyed a weird moment of quiet bliss where the only person I had to think about was just myself.

I drove to the park.  Watched the geese feed on early morning worms, watched a few brave souls out in rain gear doing the same thing I was.  Enjoying the foggy quiet rainy day.  There are a couple of small sailboats anchored just off the shore, I imagine the people in them are either still sleeping, or doing something indoor-ish, playing checkers while their boat rocks a gentle lulling rock. I love the stormy weather that comes with the fall.

Heavy Downpour --- Image by © Anthony Redpath/Corbis

I love the rain.  Some people look at it as a dreary thing.  Another grey dreary day.  But me?  I like to dance in it.  I like to walk in it.  I don’t care if I get soaking wet.  I’ll sit on a bench and just take it all in.  Falling rain is the opposite from a loudness scale to falling snow. I love the booming thunder, the occasional explosion of light that streaks its way across the sky.  I also love to huddle up inside, light a candle, pretend the power has gone out and drink apple cider or hot chocolate.  Use the storms as an excuse to stay in.

I ran a few errands, and then came home, I worked on my office a bit.  Unpacking and organizing, trying to get it set up to where I can actually use and enjoy it.  I’m sitting in here now.  A candle lit, music playing.  There’s nothing on my walls yet.  It’s driving me a little crazy.  I like to have art on my walls, photographs, paintings, mirrors, sconces… I have them throughout the house.

It got to be dinner time, and I decided to drive over to my favorite Mexican restaurant and treat myself – with the addition of a margarita.  Hey – I’ve always been a fan of tequila, no judging please. 🙂 And now, I’m home, deliciously relaxed, a little quiet, and quite content.  And although I’m not sure I’m looking forward to another week … I know I’ll be ready for it.  Bring it on.  I can take it.  My vacation will be here soon, and I’ll get a real break away from everything. I’m really looking forward to it.  A break away from everything…even technology and phones.  I can’t wait to see that blue water, the white powdery sands.  Bliss!

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

It must be a full moon

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I was reading, just dozing off to sleep and my phone rang.  It was just after midnight and it was an unknown caller.  My first instinct with unknown callers is to let it go to voicemail – but for some reason – I picked up.  I’ll blame my own tiredness.  Keep in mind, in that state, I typically have very little (if any) filter.  I said “Hello?” and heard a pause… as if the person on the other end was in debate about what to do next.   And then I heard a voice I haven’t heard in a long while.  Australia.  There was a little brief bit of chit chat, and then it came.  “Jen, there’s something I need to tell you, and I don’t know how you’re going to react.” To be honest, I thought he was going to say he’d met someone and he was happy … or something along that lines.  And my honest reaction would have been happiness for him.  But no.  He was letting me know that he “couldn’t hold it in any more… that he’s planned a trip to LA in January with his mum and wanted to tell me that he’d be in my backyard.  And would I come fly down?”

I have a couple of reactions to that.

A.  He’s been my best friend for 15 years.  Of COURSE!  And I love his mom.

B.  Oh wait, but we’re not friends anymore, and that would be awkward as HELL!  But I could finally return the ring I’ve been leery of sending via mail.  Ouch – that’ll make for quite a “visit”.  Not to mention, his mom would like nothing more than to string me up for almost destroying her son.

Of course, I could have the ring fed ex’d to their hotel.  But that seems cruel.  And rude, considering our history and friendship.  The simple fact of the matter is, I feel bad.  This man has been my friend, my best friend, since I was silly stupid teenager.  We’ve seen and cheered for each other thru marriages, births, divorces, promotions, layoffs, you name it.  We would still be rooting for each other, if I hadn’t screwed things up the way I did.  I could have found a better way to let him down.

We all went to Hawaii, me and my 3 best friends.  It was to be this epic and amazing trip, without kids.  Do whatever we wanted.  We each picked a day to plan out for the group.  He wanted one day with just me.  I should have seen it coming.  I didn’t.  We island hopped, so we could go see the volcano.  The science nerd in me wanted to see it, and he knew that.  He booked us a tour.  His mom came too.  3/4 of the way through the tour, she handed me his ipad.  told me to hit play.  I did.  It was a proposal.  a 10 minute proposal on his iPad followed by him on one knee with a ring.  (Just a side note to anyone out there who’s considering proposing – avoid doing any kind of proposal that isn’t face to face.  The last thing I would have ever wanted was a proposal where technology was used to do the proposing.)  I remember the feeling that came over me when it happened.  I remember gulping for air.  I remember wanting to run away in the opposite direction, away from the eyes of his family.  It was fear and guilt and a whole mess of a lot of emotions that I didn’t want.  None of them very good.  His whole family was there to watch this “glorious moment in his life”.  And here I was, feeling the way I felt.  He left the next day and me and my other friends stayed another couple days then returned home.  2 months later, he showed up in Seattle; despite me asking him not to.  He pushed his way, despite me practically begging him to just give me space and time.  It ended in a disastrous fight.  I remember dropping him off outside the airport, driving away feeling like a huge weight had been lifted.  He was gone.  I was sad to lose my friend, but I couldn’t take the extra weight at that point in my life.  My divorce wasn’t even final yet.  I tried to chalk it up to bad timing, but looking back, it wasn’t even that.  It just wasn’t meant to be.

The thing is… I do miss his friendship.  Sometimes.  We would pick each other’s brains about anything and everything.  It’s not often you come across someone who truly thinks like you do.  We always had that.

It would be one thing if this was a friendly visit.  And in most ways, it is.  He was very cautious on the phone with me.  Kept emphasizing that he wants a friendship.  Put a lot of weight on that word.  But I’m not blind.  I read him well.  He wants more than a friendship, but is scared shitless that I’m going to destroy him further.  I have no intention of giving him either of those things.  I’m happy with my life and have no intention of changing it.  But I also don’t want to destroy someone that I do/did care about.  Ugh.

So far, I’ve agreed to go.  What the hell?!  I blame my lack of filter.  Or maybe it was an odd moment where I was embracing my filter – who knows.  I don’t really want to go.  It is likely to be awkward and weird.  I know he hasn’t dated, hasn’t even attempted to date.  Ugh.  Maybe I can get T or the bestie to come down with me.  Make it so that I’m not facing this one all alone?  Does that make me a total chicken shit?  I can’t ask any of them to do that with me tho – ERG!  I guess I’ll just fly down there, say hi, give the ring back, avoid any punches from the Mum, get on a plane and return home?  My god I AM a chicken shit.

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And here’s the weird coincidence.  Last week, I deleted all our correspondence.  ALL of it.  I wouldn’t do that for the ex.  It wasn’t something I was willing to delete or give up on.  I wanted to last week.  I think I needed to prove to myself that I was serious about my choice, about the path I’m on and who I believe it leads to.  I needed/wanted closure.  15 years of emailing someone multiple times every day really adds up.  It took a while for my email to even process the deletion request.  It felt really good to do.  I truly have moved forward and am happy with where I am and who I’ve surrounded myself with.  I ended the call, and hopped on facebook.  I was wide awake, and it was then 1am.  I was surprised to get a message from my old admin asking to meet for coffee.  I joked that it was a bit early to be thinking coffee seeing as it was only 1am.  He laughed and said fair enough and asked to meet me early tomorrow (today).  Odd… but yea ok, sure.

Then just as I’m about to log off, another acquaintance friend messages me asking what my plans were for tomorrow (today) evening – and if I could meet her for coffee as she’s having a hard time right now and could really use a friend.  That her and her fiancé aren’t doing well and that she could use some girl talk time.  Sure why not?  Guess tomorrow I’m going to get enough caffeine to last me the next month.  😀

Is it a full moon?  My little one has been up three times tonight with nightmares.  I NEVER have this much activity late at night.  Ugh – it’s now 2am.  I better lay down and try and get some sleep.

Goodnight Neverland.