Trying not to lose it

I will not cry.  I will not cry.  Oh… who am I kidding.

*Commence Bawling Session*

It has been a really tough week.  My first day back to work was Monday, and it seems the universe decided it was more than time to end my vacation.

Today I had to tell my team that I couldn’t extend their contracts past December.  These are friends, practically family.  The mood in the office was definitely somber afterwards.  I then spent the day battling war upon war trying to do all I could to save them.  Found out tonight that there is a chance, I may have done it.  I’ll find out tomorrow for sure.

But now, after a day of constant arguments, negotiations, defending, pitching… i’m absolutely wiped, and feeling VERY defeated by it all.  If this is what being in upper management is like, you can keep it.  I’m constantly having to fight for my team’s right to be there.  I hired some of the world’s leading experts to do this work, and they won’t let us get it done.

Maybe it’s a touch of the Christmas blues… but it dawned on me today how alone I feel. My little one has been sick, my daughter’s grades aren’t as great as I’d like, and then add in the work battles.  The last few days have included me covered in throw up, the couch destroyed by throw up, screaming, crying meltdowns over the smallest of things.  I’m frustrated.  This isn’t the dream I had when I pictured having a family.  Maybe it sounds bad, but I never signed up to do this by myself.  And now that I am by myself in this, I don’t feel like I could ever ask anyone to help take on the load.  It is my burden, so to speak.  And it’s lonely feeling that way.  I’m the only one who can pull myself out of rough or negative situations.  I’m the one who pulls herself up by her bootstraps and powers through, even when I don’t know how, or when I don’t feel good.  Being strong is something I’m good at.  But sometimes, I just want to be weak.

Today – I just want to go back to the beach.  My trip, my vacation, was truly the most amazing trip I’ve ever been on.  The people I met, the things I saw, the activities I did.. all of it was so relaxing, so inspiring, so epic.  I cried when it came time to go home.  I couldn’t believe I had to go and return to the monotony.  Return to the world where so much weight rests on my shoulders.  Return to a world where I feel so alone.  I couldn’t get over the idea of returning home to plan for xmas fun, knowing that a lot of it would be me doing those Christmas things alone with my kids.

Ugh.  Can I just go hide in bed, maybe build a blanket fort and watch a movie and just pretend like today didn’t happen??

Hugs and kisses Neverland.

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