I say this phrase. A lot. To friends, to family, to my kids, to that special someone. I say it because I feel it. If I genuinely care affectionately for someone, I’m going to say it. And it’s never bothered me or even crossed my mind as an unusual thing. But it crossed my mind tonight for the first time ever, that maybe I say it too much? Whenever I end a conversation, or physically leave someone that I care about, I’ll say it. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before, but it’s something I feel like I have to be sure and say. An odd quirk? Maybe. Or perhaps it’s something else. It’s that time of year again. October, November and December are hard for me. I have known and faced a loss that cut deep. This cut broke so many around me. What drove me to keep moving? Honestly? It was fear. Fear that if doctors who are experts at what they do can make those kinds of mistakes, then so can I. And if their screw-ups can rip away someone from me that didn’t deserve it, someone I loved and would have laid my life down for, then what could my screw-ups do? I think I thought that If I fell, if I let any weaknesses show, then maybe I’d lose the others in my life who I so desperately love. I just can’t bare that.
I saw a graphic recently that described a person’s circle of people. That wasn’t what they called it, I don’t remember the term they used. But essentially, it was a bull’s-eye with the people in life and how they relate to you. The bull’s-eye is supposed to be you. The closer to the bull’s-eye the closer a person within the circle would be to you, and in theory, your level of love would increase as you move closer in.
intimate friends/best friends*
The above are labels I’d use with my family being the first ring around the center and extending out as you move down the list. Stars in the list mean I love you and will happily share it at any random moment that it strikes me to do so. The closer you get – the more I feel and the more often I share. I say it to my kids when I drop them at school or daycare, I say it before they go to bed, I say it in the morning when I wake them up, I say it if I’m on the phone, I say it just randomly, or when I thank them for doing a good job at a chore or task. With family, I say it every time I see them, typically when I arrive and before I leave. Little love bookends. 🙂 Best friends, same thing. Or if I’m hanging up. If something were to happen, I want to make sure they all know how special and amazing I think they are. How much I love them and appreciate them being in my life. It’s so important to me to make sure that I do that. I did that for Ben. That was all I wanted. I wanted so desperately for him to know and understand that he was loved. Sometimes I wonder if I failed in that goal. How on earth can a baby newborn know what love is? It’s all instinct and hormones at that point. Maybe that’s why it’s so important to me to make sure that I don’t fail again?
You know what? I don’t care if I say “I love you” more than most. Perhaps it makes up for the lack of it I see in society. We get so wrapped up in the day to day stress and grind that we forget to smile at one another. We forget to be kind or gracious or honorable. I see and hear it all the time – “society has lost it’s manners.” And I don’t necessarily disagree, I think I’d change it to Society has forgotten to love one another. I’m just going to keep on spreading it around. Those who feel it back, will reciprocate in kind. Any others will get a little extra love thrown their way on occasion. And who hates that? 🙂
Goodnight Neverland. Thanks for reading my random ramble tonight. Going to go pass out now.