Packing and moving.  I’ve spent the last week slowly making my way through 10 years worth of memories and stuff.  It’s been a great week.  The amount of stuff being donated or tossed is crazy, but in a good way.  It feels good to lighten the load and downsize.  I’m only bringing things into the new house that I actually use and want.  And today, my parents came and saw the new place.  I haven’t felt so nervous about a home in a while.  Would they like it?  Would they approve?  Or would this be a reason to question all that I’ve been doing with my life over the last year and a half?  They loved it.  They hung out for a while.  My mom ran around with my son, taking pictures so she could share with the grandparents.  My step dad made a joke about the front door that will now become a prank to be sure.  We talked about all my stuff.  You see, in my current house, I have 2 dining rooms.  I have 2 living rooms… a large kitchen… a library, a guest room and 2 kids bedrooms… plus mine and the bros rooms.  PLUS the garage.  It’s a LOT.  The ex took a lot when he moved, still has a lot here tho.  I’ve given away a ton.  I’m excited for the new place.  It’s a fresh start for me.  The house is .. well.. perfect for me.  It’s not too big.  It’s quiet and peaceful..the bro has his own space..away from everyone else’s while he figures out getting on his feet again.  I can even picture what I’d do with that space when he does move forward again. 

I had a moment yesterday.  I had some running around to do prior to going to my best friend’s birthday bash.  I decided to take some things to the new house and shower over there.  Be the first to shower in the new house…hehe, I know – I’m a dork.  I was there by myself, as everyone else was still at the old house packing up a van to bring it over.  I had an aria in my head, no clue how it got there, and found myself singing in my bathroom as I unpacked my bag.  I noticed the acoustics were WAY better than my old bathroom and it got me curious.  Imagine if you will, me, singing at the top of my lungs – which let me tell you – I can seriously belt it – walking through each room of my new house.  Embracing happiness, dancing to my own music… trying out different things with different room acoustics and singing like I haven’t in a long while.  I was having a BALL.  Then it dawned on me that any minute the van would pull up and I decided to cut the solo concert short.  😀  But all in all, it was good. 

You see, I have 2 ways of singing.  The singing I do “for fun” where I sound every day and normal and I’m just messing around…and the singing that comes from some place a little deeper.  I trained professionally for about 6 years or so.  Performed in a few musicals, many recitals and concerts, did a few football games things like that.  That’s when my vibrato comes out… that’s when I journey to some place else.  It’s fun.  But I’m shy to share it with others.  Well – I am and i’m not.  I’ll do it in karaoke occasionally.  They’re strangers.  But letting people I know hear me?  Meh… that’s nerve wracking.  It means so much to me.  I’ve lost so much just in the years I’ve stopped training.  My kids have heard it, Kristen has heard it, My bro, my ex’s.  My parents and grandparents.  Well – some of them, not all.  It takes a lot to earn that trust.  lol. 

Funnily enough, my real father has heard me sing.  I invited him once to a recital.  A bit more intimate.  I painstakingly chose the songs I wanted to sing.  My teacher’s had requirements I had to fit within.  I was allowed 3 songs.  No contemporary music was allowed. This would be the moment…the moment I’d show that man that his daughter was someone to be proud of.  I could sing and I wanted to wow the hell out of him.  I wanted to choose songs to explain how I felt.  As bad as it may seem, I wanted to make him cry.  I chose “Cry me a River” (Jazz), Wishing you were somehow here again (Phantom of the Opera), and a french aria that was about a woman who grew up and realized that she was a powerful amazing strong woman – despite her father.  hehe.   There were about 5-6 of us performing that night.  In a cozy little church.  In between songs, we’d sit with our families.  My dad showed up late and sat a few rows behind my parents and I.  I remember my mom passed me a note on one of the pieces of paper from the pews saying to not worry and to just BELT it.  she knew that was where my music ability shined the brightest.  I think she knew how important this moment was to me.  I got up there and sang..and sang..and SANG.  Each song was better than the first, because each time I got up there I had more conviction…and less butterflies.  My dad was in tears when it was done.  I felt like I was flying.  🙂

Running through my new house singing…made me realize just how much I want to make sure to make it a home.  I left thinking of decor ideas and all sorts of things.  And tonight, I spent a ton of time researching and getting inspiration on pinterest.  And I’ve come to kind of an interesting conclusion.  A happy one of course.  I went about building my home backwards.  And I’m so pleased I did.  I focused on me, my kids, my family and friends first.  Building those relationships to be strong and true at their core.  Spending time with them, quality time, not just superficial garbage.  We have tons of photos, paintings, quotes and sayings…things that mean something to us…those are going to go up.  This is going to be the coolest place ever – because it’s not the decor, or the material stuff that makes a house a home… it’s the people and the love in it. 

Goodnight never-land.  XXO